Audrey Tautou & 9 Women, Women Love To Love

Some women are so beautiful it doesn't matter if you're straight, gay, bi or an alien from outer space you just would.
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Some women are so beautiful it doesn't matter if you're straight, gay, bi or an alien from outer space you just would.

I remember the first time I saw a picture of Rosie Huntington Whitely, I was on facebook chat aimlessly ranting to my best friend when mid-conversation she interrupted with, “Oh my god, have you seen this woman” now, at the time I had no idea who she was, but, as I clicked through her pictures on the Facebook group I almost instantaneously hunted down I sure as hell wanted to.

Huntington is like a bloody god(ess) even now this sentence has taken approximately 25 minutes to write as 23 of them have been taken up with ‘researching’ pictures (perving). She’s so sexy it almost makes me want to be sick. It’s not that I’m into girls, I don’t even swing both ways, it’s just that there are certain women who, for some reason, really make me consider it:

1. Angelina Jolie
Granted she’s a little kooky, that whole carrying a vial of blood around her neck thing was just bloody odd but that’s what’s so hot about her, I mean, come on, who doesn’t love a bit of crazy? Sure, we think she’s a bit of a home wrecking arsehole (Go team Aniston) but most of that is forgiven with just one look at her. She just looks like she’d be good at sex, and not in a filthy whorebag way, in a sexy, um, sexpot way. Plus, the fact that the person she’s doing it with most of the time is one of THE most attractive men in the world, only serves to make her hotter.

2. Portia De Rossi
The best thing about Portia De Rossi is she is an actual real life lesbian. That means we could actually date her well, you know, apart from her being married to Ellen Degeneres and all that. See, women’s fantasies about gay girls are overwhelmingly similar to men’s, we basically think they should be really hot, unrealistically hot in fact and she only serves to make us believe that this fantasy is entirely a possibility.

3. Odette Yustman
In March 2009 I walked into my local corner shop full of the joys of spring ready to pick up some essentials (2 packets of cigarettes and a diet coke) and that was when I saw her. Odette Yustman on the front cover of Arena magazine, I bought it there and then. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with it but I most definitely had to know who this girl was. I’m not going to lie I just looked at the pictures and, to this day, all I know about her is that she’s an actress but quite frankly with a body like that she could be a dust(wo)man and I’d still want to do her.

4. Penelope Cruz
Penelope Cruz is like the Mango of women, she’s exotic yet we kind of understand her, she’s not untouchable. Well, obviously you wouldn’t go around attempting to poke her but she has something normal about her. Normal but incredibly, incredibly stunning, breath taking and not to mention funny. Cruz is a grown up, she’s sexy but without having to flash her tits every time a flash bulb goes off and there is nothing us women love more than a bit of demure.

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5. Natalie Portman (Only in Closer)
See Natalie Portman quite often resembles a pixie, it’s not always a good look, but in the final scene of Closer, when she’s walking down the street she looks entirely fuckable. Maybe it’s because her character is an insatiable bitch whore with an air of mystery bigger than the Bermuda triangle or maybe it’s just because she is incredibly pretty and looks good in a nice pair of jeans, but whatever it is, I, and large numbers of my friends, most definitely would.

6. Cameron Diaz
Cameron Diaz recently told Vanity Fair that she keeps fit by having a lot of sex, and fit she is. She has a stomach you could iron your clothes on and potentially the most infectious smile in the world. See that’s the thing that women love about other women when they’re fun. Cameron is the kind of woman you could take home to you mother, as Usher would say (probably never advisable to quote Usher) “She’s a lady in the street but a freak in the bed” (or so we hope).

7. Audrey Tautou
Audrey Tautou isn’t overtly sexual in any way, she’s kind of small, looks a bit like a mouse, and never really seems 100% comfortable in her own skin. All this aside she is essentially adorable. If I were to have a civil partnership with a woman, she would definitely be the one. She’s classic, timeless, you can imagine drinking wine with her, going out for meals of the fabulous variety and generally being incredibly stylish. The only real issue being that she would always be better dressed than you, but fuck it you’re dating Audrey Tautou who cares?

8. Gisele
Oh come on, do I even need to explain this one? There could not be a more obviously attractive person in the entire world, nay, universe. This is the woman that can take what is essentially a few strips of white denim masquerading as shorts and make them look absolutely fantastic. She has the best arse in the world. Fact. She has that kind of natural glow that makes you want to look away incase you start blushing, she... she... she... is just amazing.

9. Cheryl Cole
That’s right Ashley it’s not just the blokes that think you’re an absolute tosser for letting this one go us girls think it too. Granted her voice is a little bit annoying and we don’t really believe she got those luscious long locks just by washing her hair in Loreal (it certainly didn’t do that for me, hello grease ball of horror) but she’s tiny and cute, you just want to pick her up and put her in your pocket not to the fact that she fabulous fucking wardrobe known to man.