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16 Things My Dad Told Me That Were Quite Simply Untrue

by Daniel Ruiz Tizon
29 August 2013 26 Comments

From the importance of big arms to the gender of Martina Navaritolova, the wisdom my old man passed on to me was by and large useless.

1. If we get a landline, people will just keep calling us and asking for favours.

When the landline eventually came in September 1990 and winter failed to herald the inevitable requests for favours over the phone, we began to receive a flurry of favour requesting anonymous calls from a man with a rather curious accent.

2. Martina Navaritolova was born a man.

3. The 14″ portable colour TV was the future.

4. If you tuck yourself in too tightly at night, women may suspect you’re a homosexual.

5. Never move next door to old people. If no one’s seen them for days, it’ll fall to you to break into the flat to see what’s happened. No woman will stay with you when the horrific flashbacks come to you at night.

6. If a woman leaves you, recall her worst habits, everything. Doing so will see you recover from the loss within a fortnight.

7. Once you allow a woman to decide which sliced bread you’re having, you cede the running of the house to her.

8. Lorenzo Lamas is an under rated actor and Renegade was a great show.

9. Having big arms will prevent a woman from leaving you sooner.

10. If something happened to him (Dad), I’d do little to find out what had gone wrong. Handing out missing posters when he disappeared disproves that (though admittedly I did go for the cheaper printing deal offered to me by Kall Kwik on Vauxhall Bridge Road so I could use the spare cash to visit a girl in Brighton) as did breaking in through his fourth floor window.*

12. By the whole family sleeping in the same room, we’d grow closer in a way that more distant English families wouldn’t comprehend.

13. Placing newspapers to plug the draughts on our windows would help keep our reading abilities at a high level.

14. A woman who walks barefoot around the house is likely to pick up infections and exhibit similar carefree tendencies with other areas of her body.

15. It is still possible to remain in your college class even after making a pass at your lecturer. (It isn’t. I had to take the final months of my English A Level at an evening school)

16. Eventually your lecturer will see the funny side of a kid 15 years younger than her asking her out and come to admire the sheer audacity of it. (She didn’t. I had to retake my A Level the following year at a different college)

*Regular readers and listeners will be aware that though I did make a daring break in through my dad’s window, the bed sit was located on the first floor.

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Matt 8:54 am, 20-Mar-2011

Well, actually, some of these are somehow true. Specifically number 9. I've had experience, needless to say, but I know that does not account for many of the other experiences out there either. It's just that women are shallow. Indeed they may think "in-depth" as they claim about "problems", and the like, but when they do not have "problems", they end up being some of the shallowest people on earth, of course with the setbacks of also having some shallow gentlemen, there still are generally more shallow females. A specific example would be the shallow-ness of a friend of mine. She stated that she changes her ideology of a whole music genre, simply because some bassist from a not-so-known local band in the Philippines looked quite attractive that night she saw him play. Ironically, the man's physical features have nothing to do with how well he plays, what type of songs he plays, his capabilities, and everything related to music. It's just his appearance. Then, with that, her entire point of view towards the genre of music he plays is changed. She used to hate metal, and now she listens to it, simply because of that. Of course, she did not state that something else might have influenced her, but even with that, it is shallow to say such a thing. Similar to number 9, physical features are in one way or another VERY important to females, (examples of this would be the multi-billion dollar companies that produce make-up and "fashion" clothing designes every year) and such goes for their taste in men, which is probably why they always dream about a "HANDSOME, MACHO, PRINCE CHARMING". Another irony is, Prince Charming is a freaking prince, so who do you think will scrub the damn floors while he's off gallivanting with other princesses, who have enough money to seduce the poor guy, thanks to the make-up and "fashion" industry. I know this is seemingly a gender-assault, but you know what, I don't give a fuck. Moving on, I agree with your dad's number 15 and 16. He simply states the possibility of it occurring. Heck, I've asked my teacher out, and I've still gotten good grades in the same class. Again, I cannot compensate for the many failures that this task has given countless other men worldwide. It's simply proof that there is a possibility for this to occur. Also, Number 12 stands to reason. I mean, if a family stays apart longer, the less they know about themselves. It may be a family, but it's a family that won't be so close. Sleeping in the same room helps develop a child mentally, since he/she is secure that the family is there, together, ready to protect him/her. I'm not sure about the comment on the English, but Western Civilization somehow are less close to their families than that of Eastern. No bias here, just stating. Anyway, all in all, many of these can be considered totally untrue, but the ones I've stated above seem to have a sort of loophole that may cause these to be true to life. Yeah. That's about it. -Anachrony

Dame Hedwig 12:16 pm, 20-Mar-2011

The 14″ portable colour TV was the future. Untrue? What's an iPad then?

mh 12:05 am, 21-Mar-2011

do you get out much Matt?

Magnus 2:49 pm, 22-Mar-2011

Worth it for No.1

Reay 4:09 pm, 1-Apr-2011

fucking hell matt, that was the most boring thing i think i have ever read. i was looking for a 2 minute article just before i went out, but having seen ur ridiculously overthought and banal comment, i thought it was probably worth being late purely to insult u about it.

Matt 4:45 pm, 1-Apr-2011

I do, (I'm thinking Miss) Mh. I do indeed get out, and to be specific,I do drink, smoke, party, enjoy a beer once and a while, I do get laid from time to time, and I wrote this comment a while back, so what's the deal with it? I mean, come on, it's a statement based on a given experience. And, (again I think Miss due to the text speak because the common thing is that people who write like that are either female, or some whiny kid. I chose the prior, since the word "banal" came up in the comment.) Reay, okay, find it boring/banal, although the two are quite different. I'm glad it took more than two minutes out of your time to insult me. At least I know there are people in this world who do not respect opinion, are gender biased, somehow to a very small extent, like me, and are total retards all at the same time. If it is ridiculously over-thought, then why does it strike your mind? I know, it's because it made you think; it made you realize, and become concerned enough to try to either deny what you thought or let it in. Apparently in this case, you denied it. Oh, and it took you over two minutes to write an insanely short, and under-spelled comment. I'm also guessing that you're either an ignorant girl, somewhere, facing a computer, feeling insecure since you've done something similar to my experience, which was entirely shallow. A little update, that girl I mentioned in my first comment, is now currently having issues with her BF due to her shallow-ness, in which case she wanted to go out on a date with another guy, even though they were still together. Isn't that nice? Anyway, you may think I'm some internet-addicted, porn-addicted, videogame-addicted, alcoholic nerd/freak, but hey, I still don't give a damn what you think. Wanna know why? It's because I'm not, I know I'm not, and I have enough self esteem to know so. Also, concerning why I replied, even though I don't give a damn about what you think, is because I give a damn about you, and how leaving insulting comments like this may lead to trouble in the future. Speak what you think, of course, but legally, insulting someone head-on may lead to a court case, no joke. I'm no lawyer, but I know that I need to cover up loopholes, or at least point them out to you. Please stop being a dunderhead-ed commenter, grab a decent philosophy book, read about it, and please, stop writing in shortcut-form/text-form, whatever way you wish to call it. That is all. Thank you.

Mats 6:16 pm, 9-Apr-2011

Matt, you have issues...please see someone.

Matt 7:27 pm, 9-Apr-2011

Nope. If I had issues, I would be bothering you, but instead you're bothering me. Which means, you have issues with me. See?

Mat Fox 7:53 pm, 9-Apr-2011

My old man told me guys have one less rib than women because one was sacrificed to create Eve. I believed this for twenty years until a boozed up argument with an ex one night when I said 'Yer well if it was'nt for us men you women wouldn't be here, yeah, that's why we have less ribs." she pissed herself and ripped it out of me until we split up.

Peter Lewis 11:54 pm, 21-Oct-2011

My old man told me find a decent book and read it, what a tit! I should have been buying decent books and then reading about them if I had realy wanted to forward my mental fortitude. Cheers Matt.

Knappa 8:12 pm, 22-Oct-2011

Aspergers anyone? Strewth. (not Daniel RT. Obviously)

Harry Paterson 3:59 pm, 4-Apr-2012

What have you got against the number 11?

LJG 5:20 pm, 4-Apr-2012

Matt, seriously, you are one strange, hyphen-happy fish. And your comments are so boring I didn't finish reading either of them and I'm certain I'm not the only one. So, seeing as we're offering advice, save yourself some fingerwork in the future, it's all going to waste.

Ben Dover 12:49 am, 5-Apr-2012

Matt, please, as a friend, think what you're actually doing when writing them stupid 'essays'. Please realize you're sad and pathetic and will probably end up lonely and outkasted. loser.

Podz 1:22 am, 5-Apr-2012

Matt , you are a genius of sorts. James Joyce himself would struggle to contend with your ability to transcribe completely ones glow of consciousness.

Mike 1:42 am, 5-Apr-2012

No Matt, you're crazy. Who writes a 10 paragraph response because someone insulted them? You're also clearly bothering people by their responses. Quit being a lame ass loser who probably is addicted to the Internet ya jackass

Erika 3:31 am, 5-Apr-2012

Matt it's the Internet. Calm down.

Matt 3:37 am, 5-Apr-2012

When he wrote 'flat' in #4 instead of apartment, I was out. Flawed British logic.

Joe 6:57 am, 5-Apr-2012

Matt, you orite?

sam 7:37 am, 5-Apr-2012

I think Matt has OCD.

emil 11:41 am, 5-Apr-2012

Matt whats the matter with you write some thing can be laugh.

Frontwheel 2 1:49 pm, 5-Apr-2012

Innit

Matt 4:51 pm, 7-Apr-2012

Well to reply to Mike, Ben Dover, & LJG. No, I'm not wasting my time. No I don't have OCD (for sam). No, I don't want to make you people here laugh (for emil). I'm not crazy, and I write a response because I'm a writer with ideals. What you see behind this name is a person, but I assure you it is not. Your banal, uneducated, and emotional comments disgust me. For having an opinion you call me a loser, Ben and Mike, well I can assuredly say that you have no particular common sense, and are dictated by your emotions as if you were all whiny teenage wimps who cannot seem to fathom the concepts I have placed before you. Also, if I am "clearly" bothering people, as you say, then I wouldn't give two sh*ts. It is not my problem, it is their absurdities that lead them to be bothered. I figured I made sense, and if they don't see it, that's fine by me. Insulting someone, on the other hand, is a different matter. That would be below the belt, in which case a dignified response would be the apropos way to evoke a sense of self pity from those who hindered proper logical thought and reason from spreading into their puny little emotional excuse for brains. If you had not finished reading, then why judge? You are all fools if you dare judge a book by it's cover, or in this case (so you simpletons can understand), don't judge a thought by the words used. Oh, hell, what am I saying, you probably didn't read half of this because you didn't understand a word I said. Oh well, your innate and undisputed loss. Joe, yes, I'm "orite". Erika, I am calm. It seems that my calmness and clear wording has hindered that thought from your mind. Let's tackle this again, shall we? I responded my opinion, I was insulted, and so I responded to the insult in a manner supposedly suitable for this audience. So, Erika, I would like to ask you to calm down.

ad 1:04 pm, 10-Apr-2012

hey matt. hows your year been?

Stitch 6:56 pm, 25-Jan-2013

Matt, you are Morrisey and I claim my £5

Vince 6:58 pm, 25-Jan-2013

Bloody hell, some mean-spirited comments here. Anyway, your Dad was actually right with 9.

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