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Made In Britain: Exclusive Extract

20 Sex Tips For Women

by Gavin James Bower
19 September 2013 23 Comments

If you call me a pussy ANYWHERE – or question that I’m not in fact ‘a man’ – you’ll never even see my bedroom (or my immaculate Egyptian cotton bedding, which just feels so soft, babes...)

1. Everyone is not bisexual. Please don’t pretend you are because you’ve heard all men get off on it. We know they’re faking, and it’s OK – porn’s just a prop, after all. IRL, however, we don’t want you to pretend you’re a ‘trysexual’. We quite like that you fancy dudes. It works out well for us.

2. Dirty talk is completely necessary. Please tell us you like our bodies. You don’t need to exaggerate – we realise it’s not just like hopping on top of Dirk’s giant Diggler – but do flatter. We won’t get a big head. OK we might…AM I RIGHT, FELLAS?

3. If you like it rough, tell us up front – in fact, preferably in the pub earlier. We’re not going to try even an unsolicited tug of the hair, not in today’s ‘PC gone mad’ climate. No, sir.

4. If we shave our pubes, it’s because we think you like it. OK FINE, it’s because we want it to look bigger. Happy now? Give us a break. You started the ‘does size matter?’ debate, and never even had the common decency to answer your own question. (It’s a yes, BTW. We might look stupid, especially with our shorn ball sacks, but we’ve done a pretty good job of running the planet for the last few hundred thousand years. OK, bad example…)

5. Oral sex is not a trade off, or a perennial game of one-upmanship. Don’t do it to get it, or assume that’s what we’re doing. We’re not. We’re trying to turn you on. In fact, remember that last bit – because it’s essentially true of most blokes. Bear it in mind before you get all high and mighty about how shit we are. We’re trying – and not in the way you are … AM I RIGHT, FELLAS? (Sorry. That’s the last time…)

6. It’s not cool to be put off by one or more of our body parts. If you wanted us to suck your toes, we would. If we like our left ear smothered in British mustard and licked within an inch of its life just grab the ham, OK? What, just me? FML…

7. You are as in control of your orgasm as we are ours. This is one of the most over-looked aspects of contemporary consummation; the implication being, a pissed up chimpanzee could get us off with a quick yank or three, whereas you’re like that same chimp dismantling a Formula 1 car and putting it back together using only a moderately-sized banana. Guide us, encourage us, but take control of your orgasm – or, failing that, meet us halfway. We have to try sometimes too, you know.

8. Apropos of the above, please don’t fake it. Crap or not, we like nothing more than a challenge. As D:Ream said: ‘Things, can only get better…’

9. Be clear on what you like and dislike. We’ve got nothing to go on other than porn and lads’ mags, or pub talk with mates – almost all of which is hyperbole that starts along the lines of ‘I was fisting this bird with factor 15 suncream’, actually, I think that was a true story. As per the above, we just want to impress. Help us, help you.

10. I’m not going to mince my words on this one: do not put my old man in a death grip and pull it so furiously that it feels like being trapped in a threshing machine. Don’t hold on for dear life. I’m lying flat on your futon. I’m going nowhere – for at least three minutes … AM I RIGHT, LADIES

11. Look, we can’t tell if you like anal or not, so when we timorously move our fingers then tongue towards the, erm, grey area just a quick ‘mmm’ or ‘GET THE FUCK OFF’ will do. We won’t take it personally

12. No man wants to lose his head mid-job – and for the lucky ones it’ll never come up. (Or go down.) But sometimes we’re just not feeling it, or we’re over-thinking – or that thing you’re doing, well, it’s just not … well … IT FEELS LIKE WRONG. Don’t take it to heart. Just imagine we’ve been working hard as opposed to refreshing your Facebook wall all day, and give us the benefit of the doubt that we need five minutes. Put the kettle on or something. (That was a joke. Then again, seeing as you’re up…)

13. Make sure you actually own condoms. The ring in the wallet is not a good look, though we rock it anyway. Remember: assumption makes an ass out of u and me. And maybe a baby, too.

14. Drunk sex is not better than no sex.  There’s always the morning.

15. Speaking of which – don’t be surprised by the first thing farts or morning breath, or just the weird smell in the room. We. Are. Men. Unlike you, we stink.

16. Finger-banging: make up your goddamn minds.

17. When you’re giving head, and contrary to popular folklore, we’re not obliged to warn you that we’re about to blow. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. (Notwithstanding that second unfortunate domestic analogy, by ‘heat’ I mean ‘taste of semen’ and by ‘out of the kitchen’ I mean, you get it.. Obvs.)

18.As per the above, make sure you kiss us when we’ve been down on you – foamy moustache or not. It works both ways, you know.

19.The most important thing on a date is indeed a good sense of humour, but the most important thing in bed is that you’re neither selfish nor mean. Relax, and be nice. We’ll both have fun, which is all that matters.

20. And finally, any man who’s not a complete douchebag will only ever judge you on your number in terms of being intimidated – not because he thinks you’re morally corrupt. It’s 2011. He doesn’t want to be your worst, that’s all. Assume he will be, and he might just surprise you.

Other recent stories you might like:

20 Sext Tips For Men

5 Ways To Convince Your Boyfriend That You’re A Nightmare Girlfriend

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

john paul pearson 11:44 am, 26-Nov-2011

that was amazing! great way to start a saturday

johnhalloween 11:48 am, 26-Nov-2011

Judging by your picture I would assume you are in fact a virgin. Based on this I think you essay ,erm ,raised some good points and will therefore award it a C-. You really need to attend your practical sessions however or your final grade will suffer.

natasha 12:14 pm, 26-Nov-2011

This is cringeworthy, I had to stop at 9!

Ktron 3:48 pm, 26-Nov-2011

this raised some good points and some shit ones too. also you look like a t4 presenter. also, you seem to have a pretty negative idea on what women's opinions are on sex. its something to be shared, not given or taken. isn't saying that enough?

ad 5:29 pm, 26-Nov-2011

number 7 is very funny. good stuff.

Alison 9:49 pm, 26-Nov-2011

Hmmmm - pleased that I'd get a passing grade if this was a test but was hoping for more substantive tips in the BJ area...

Ian Hough 10:49 pm, 26-Nov-2011

May I add the following: 21. Ladies, real men prefer their minge "on the turn", if you will, i.e. unwashed for a minimum of 8 hours (weather permitting). There's nothing worse than going down for a fish supper only to discover the worktop has been so thoroughly sterilised as to emit no ladylike aroma whatsoever.

JK 7:01 pm, 27-Nov-2011

@Ian, you should have a go at re-writing the other 20, your 21st made me laugh, good stuff.

GB 1:44 pm, 28-Nov-2011

This is an excellent riposte to the (somewhat insulting) '20 sex tips for men' article. This was actually amusing and largely spot on. I'm thinking the other commentors have not read the original article

Bob 1:31 pm, 29-Nov-2011

Not a bad riposte, that one for blokes pissd me off.

Long John 11:03 am, 1-Dec-2011

People are usually rubbish at sex until they have been together a while. Any 2 human beings can f*ck, but sex is about connecting with someone on a mental, emotional and physical level - not about passing a f*cking exam.

female 10:28 pm, 1-Dec-2012

This makes the one for men look so dull. Fucking hilarious, and actually very useful

Charlie 12:04 am, 2-Dec-2012

This is really embarrassing. Ladies, most of us are better than this, honest!

Rebeca - Siren 12:11 pm, 20-Dec-2012

A simple compliment or two eases any Man's anxiety. A simple "You feel so good inside me" will do the trick. And if he really is below average, go for positions that make you feel tighter, so he feels bigger. Put your legs on his shoulders in missionary, or try spooning sex, where you're side-by-side and he enters from behind. Thanks Rebeca

Stacy 5:21 pm, 12-Mar-2013


davis 11:39 pm, 12-Mar-2013

Puts the male POV forward better than I could have done myself, well done !

rory curtis 2:26 am, 13-Mar-2013

What a big lad you are.

Pam 5:32 pm, 20-Mar-2013


Sgouda 7:58 pm, 24-Apr-2013


sarah 9:23 pm, 7-Jul-2013

written by such a mysognist.

WastedPotential 7:32 pm, 19-Sep-2013

5 star response to the original.

Kane 1:17 pm, 9-Oct-2013

Almost as unfunny as the tips for men - but even more poorly written to boot. Had this been written by someone who was actually funny, it would have been a good repost - but as is, well.. nevermind.

kyle rondoe 12:31 am, 24-May-2014

Could be be better but VERY VERY VERY PORN!!!!!!!!!! I really like porn stuff and sex things like penises, vaginas, and d*cks. All is AWESOME!!!!! Kyle Rondoe

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