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5 Things I Swore I'd Never Do When I Became A Parent

by Dina Murphy
15 August 2013 48 Comments

I was adamant, adamant that I wouldn't be on of THOSE parents. How wrong I was...

When I was pregnant, I had a list of things I swore I’d never do. I was going to be the perfect mother, swinging my Cath Kidston changing bag around with the smug air of a woman whose beaver had fully recovered from having a screaming face emerge from it.

I’d always be organised, never leave the house without wet-wipes and have a strict rota for the gurning cuntery of children’s TV presenters. Yeah, turns out that’s all basically shit. I remember watching women dragging their screaming children across shop floors and thinking, ‘Oh God, I’d never do that’. Again, shit. I would always adopt an expression which I hoped might simultaneously convey pity mingled with a frown of disapproval; because children’s arms are delicate, you know.

Dragging them through puddles of their own miserable tears can only do severe physical and mental damage. Now, when I’m pulling my own toddler through the Sale! section of Matalan while she screams ‘wank!’ at me hysterically (she picked it up at nursery; actually it was ‘pile of wank’ to start with, but we’re beating her down), I can almost feel the similar expressions of bump-stroking pompous pregnant women burning into my head. Granted, the fact that Grandad also taught her to shout, ‘not the cupboard again, mummy!’ does make me sound a little like Fritzl, but you can never account for children being able to lock it from the inside. And using their precocious Tetris skills to build a small tower of tampon boxes to stand on.

Interestingly, I found my astoundingly naïve list of ‘things I’ll never do’ the other day; and when I stopped laughing, I actually read them. Here was my top five;

1) No dressing up: I never fully understood the joy in making your child look like a twat before giving birth. The only thing that comes near is watching fat people trip up before looking accusingly behind them at thin air, or seeing the look of despair on people’s faces while they hover over their shitting dog with a perfumed bag over their hand like a little gay glove. I quickly got quite bored with the whole ‘babygro with ears’ situation; if I’d wanted a bear cub, I’d have gone camping and smeared honey on my clunge. The turning point came when we took Ruby to a 1940’s themed weekend dressed as Charlie Chaplin: it was going quite well until she threw a tantrum in Nisa. Apparently flailing arms, a dishevelled quiff and the moustache are more reminiscent of the Nuremburg Rally than Modern Times; short sighted perhaps, but we just didn’t see that coming.


2) TV: Who was I trying to kid here? Did I really think that we’d sit around the dining table playing Monopoly and japing each other wearing beige polo necks? No, our morning starts with a disembodied baby’s head and four fat-bellied tarts gambolling around Astroturf like a chubby Technicolour gangbang.

It’s all very ‘right on’, which is partly why I despise it with every fibre of my black, cynical bones. I don’t care that the female presenter only has one arm, but I do care that she’s shit; I can only resign myself to sniggering into my tea while the producers get her to demonstrate yoga positions that require two arms, minimum. ‘And this is The Snake, she smiles sweetly, her stump twitching like it can smell a piss-take on the wind. No Cerrie, that’s you doing some kind of Nazi salute while formulating sweet, sweet revenge on the Producer.

3) No lying: again, pitiful in its sweet, honest naivety. Lying to kids is brilliant; perhaps not as good as seeing them come off the Ghost Train weeping silently with shit stains seeping through their Gap pants, but a pretty close second. My daughter thinks balloons are made of fairy skin which is why she can’t have them, and if she sticks her hand down the toilet it’ll emerge from a toilet in Albania where a monkey will eat it. When she’s finally old enough to realise that she doesn’t have arms like (a) Mr Tickle or (b) Inspector Gadget, I’ve got a whole load more to crush her with. My current favourite is that pigs are horses for gypsies; I don’t know why, I just like the thought of lots of be-ringed gypsies setting off for market on a family of miserable Saddlebacks, beating them with cucumbers.


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4) No swearing: Apparently calling the midwife a ‘cunt bucket’ and the father of your child a ‘knob jockey’ during labour means I could cross this off my list reasonably early on in the process. I do try to monitor my language around Ruby, but we were called to nursery the other day after she’d allegedly called her keyworker a ‘Pikey’. I thought this was unfair given that his name is Mikey and she does have an admittedly fat tongue – I think of it as Jamie Oliver syndrome – but they weren’t having it. I did laugh when I read her daily report sheet; ‘Ruby called Mikey a ‘Pikey’ whilst playing snap.

He snapped (fairly) on two pictures of caravans. Speak to Dad; this will not be tolerated’. Given that I’m meant to be the first point of contact, I can only assume they know I’d laugh like a retard spotting another retard in a cheap slogan t-shirt. ‘I’m the Daddy’? Really? Would it be inappropriate to suggest a wank into a little pot, because you look like you’d struggle to fertilise mushrooms in a gro-bag.

5) No embarrassing her: I fully intend to be singing ‘B B B Bennie and the Jets’ like the stutterer out of ‘One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest’ at her eighteenth birthday party, preferably dressed in something from the Ann Summers fancy dress section; the ‘Pirate Hooker’, perhaps.

When I was pregnant I signed up to something called ‘Babycentre’, which is basically a website that sends you chirpy emails every week to inform you of your baby’s development. Last week they sent me an article on ‘how to cope with your masturbating toddler’. Apparently toddlers can ‘masturbate to orgasm, often with a red face and panting’; and the advice on dealing with this? Distraction. ‘Come on Levi / Chastity / Divine, get your hands from down your pants and come and finish this jigsaw’. Yeah, because that’s going to work, isn’t it? Your best bet is looking the other way and mentally pledging to tell all their friends about it when they’re a teenager; at least then you always have something to look forward to when they’re screaming in your face with snotty tears and wiping their arse on your clothes out of spite.

I genuinely think the best course of action with children is to do whatever makes life easier. And failing that, that’s why God created that fat woman the colour of gravy who puts them on the naughty step on Channel 4.


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image descriptionCOMMENTS

unskinny 11:37 am, 20-Nov-2010

v. funny. The other day they made armless Cerrie do a song where she had to mime the action of chopping wood with her stump.*shudder*

ashamed 12:40 pm, 20-Nov-2010

Yes! I was so guilty of the "pompous when pregnant" thing as well!! PS me and hubby have really un-PC nicknames for Cerrie and Alex.

the grime minister 12:42 pm, 20-Nov-2010

that was never written by a woman

Matt 8:40 am, 21-Nov-2010

One of the funniest things I’ve read in a long while. And for some reason, I read that with the voice of Superhans from Peep Show in my head.

Dina 12:11 pm, 21-Nov-2010

Ah, Mr Grime Minister! I'm afraid it was, for I am that appalling parent (woman).

the grime minister 4:53 pm, 21-Nov-2010

Wow, I didn't know they made them that funny. You should go on TV and spread the word.

griff 5:54 pm, 21-Nov-2010

"a woman whose beaver had fully recovered from having a screaming face emerge from it" something about this phrase is just so wrong.

Dina 12:58 pm, 22-Nov-2010

I do love a good old-fashioned backhanded compliment. It makes me want to scrub the scullery floor and crack Frank Carson jokes to myself. And yeah, there are just some places you shouldn't see another face....:)

Fletch 7:03 pm, 22-Nov-2010

Excellent! Forget all that PC crap & video the little sods & when they're old enough to try & blackmail you, just threaten to put it all on youtube & spam their friends on facebook with the links! Get yer self-defence in first! LOL! :-)

5tubby 2:41 pm, 23-Nov-2010

I saw Cerrie the other day hoping on one leg and remarked to my son that she was mocking people with only one leg.

benno 10:27 am, 26-Nov-2010

love the phrase "gurning cuntery". I'm going to use that if you dont mind. Excellent stuff - more please

benno 10:29 am, 26-Nov-2010

gurning cuntery. Great turn of phrase. More please. Articles that is. Not gurning cuntery

Dan 3:30 pm, 28-Nov-2010

fucking funny shit. oh and @the grime minister, ha-ha.

David 11:41 pm, 28-Nov-2010

Ah, screaming faces emerging from beavers. So you've had a couple of joints before going to bed, because what the fuck, the baby's not due for another ten days at least. Twenty to seven the next morning, you've been up all night and the midwives coo at you "oh look, the baby's crowning, do you want to come down this end to have a look?" So yeah, you go, after all they're medical professionals and you've been following their instructions for the last six hours at least....and you see something that can only be compared to the scene in The Christmas Carol where Scrooge's doorknocker morphs into the face of Jacob Marley, by way of the film poster for Pink Floyd's The Wall and the chestburster scene in Alien. So cheers for that, midwife bastard sadists, it kind of made the "you may not be able to enjoy normal sexual relations with your wife for several weeks, possibly months" talk you gave me next morning somewhat bastard redundant, don't you think?

ianbrownshairdo 11:44 pm, 29-Nov-2010

after summing all my courage up i took baby josie to baby massage. being able to fuck work off while my highly paid wife went out to work seemed perfect. days spent trawling ebay for that self combusting stone island jacket made from liam gallaghers hair.bliss. the 6th rule of baby massage was 'make sure to ask baby's permission to commence massage. i fuck you not. from now on its just me,josie and the roses on monday morning.

Ian 9:59 pm, 4-Dec-2010

Stupid & dumb

Miss Terry Voice 9:15 pm, 7-Dec-2010

Oh you're sooo leftfield you middle class twat.

Dina 12:07 am, 8-Dec-2010

Twat, yes: middle class, no.

yerjokingme 12:32 pm, 7-Jan-2011

@Matt - I had to go back and re-read it all as superhands! Thanks Dina V 'musing - Ages since I've had to deal with babies - but I do remember dressing up 2 toddlers in robot suits (cardboard boxes) and having them battle it out on video brilliant until the wailing started and 1 fell down the stairs... I still get looks of disgust from other parents when I dare to suggest school plays & sportsday are shit.

bleurgh 1:54 pm, 7-Jan-2011

Bang on, I've spent so much of the last 20 years moaning about my kids school plays and that, to a sea of frowns, sighs and raised carefully preened middle class eyebrows. Well fuck 'em, watching your kid being joseph/the angel/whatever once is sweet, but it palls, as does all the other plays, out of tune concerts and teacher penned stuff. As a dad I've been sort of there at all 4 of mine's "tada" moment through the lady curtains, but after the first one, I stayed resolutely at the sweary end of my other half having my fingers broken being called a "cunt", it's just nicer generally.

AM 1:43 am, 8-Jan-2011

a 1940's theme party? in jest i'm sure but...yeahhhh... read no more. no point.

Dina 10:13 pm, 8-Jan-2011

AM...this is Yorkshire.

Mike 7:22 pm, 9-Jan-2011

Dina, You are seriously twisted but very funny. I don't have kids and you have completely failed in changing my mind. Glad you partnered up with somebody and had kids, makes the streets safer.

pink beth 7:13 pm, 10-Jan-2011

nice to know im not the only mum like this in the world! i recommend a phot of said wanking toddler so you can show it to their friends when they hit 16 - it was hysterical!

Giggly Suzz 9:36 pm, 10-Jan-2011

Brilliant, I have 4 kids, bratz, demons whatever mood im in there are different names I refer to them as, its not all peaches and cream and rainbows, it can be hell on earth, and there are far too many raised eyebrows when you get down to your toddlers level and snarl some threat to them about their tantrums, or worse people with no kids when they say "Their just kids!", Ha, no 90% of the time I think my kids could single handedly run Hell. Oh and as for swearing, my friend laughs and jokes that I have tourettes! A mollycoddeling individual at a toddler group said to try and say Poke in stead of Fuck when I felt the urge to swear, didnt work, my next sentance (under my breath) why dont you fucking poke off!

Rob 3:54 pm, 11-Jan-2011

Brilliant! And very true!

Alex 2:30 pm, 19-Jan-2011

This is brilliant Dina, can't wait to read more of your work.

Pirate Jenny 6:39 pm, 10-Feb-2011

Move over Brooker - your nemesis has arrived - finally! Nice one Dina. More please! x

Vince 8:41 pm, 10-Feb-2011

Briliiant, Dina. Probably the best thing I've read on here.

Woodsy 9:33 am, 11-Feb-2011

Made me chuckle like a loon. My own princesses, Offspring Major and Offspring Minor, vacilate between the kind of cuteness that makes Guess How Much I Love You look like Mein Kampf and cheerily calling other drivers a "silly bastard" for overtaking us. You're splendid. Miss Terry and the grime minister, however, sound like they had to make do with imaginary friends throughout childhood.

Stitch 9:30 pm, 29-Mar-2011

Laugh out loud. Very funny Dina!

Emma 12:22 pm, 30-Mar-2011

Hilarious. I can relate to every single point made. Absolutely loved this.

Daisy 12:00 pm, 14-May-2011

This is absolutely awesome. Especially the image of a mustachioed child doing a fascist salute by a corner shop chiller cabinet. And the lesson in how to attract bears.

gazongaz gazongaz 8:56 am, 17-May-2011

Love it. I snorted out loud at Albanian monkey and "not the cupboard again, mummy". Looking forward to teaching those to my nephew.

Ian Hough 6:01 pm, 15-Sep-2011

Hilarious, just sent this to my missus. Every time my 2 yr old chants "twat! twat! twat! twat!" I find myself in the dogg house.

kev hennessy 6:29 pm, 15-Sep-2011

Funny as fuck, you must be my long lost twin, if I had one that is, or something, superb.

Dom Clarke 5:51 am, 16-Sep-2011

Really not understanding the love for this. Made up nonsense. Not that funny, just enthusiastically crass."gurning cuntery" is a fantastic description though. I'd like to read an article slating the current crop of kids tv presenters. They are a bloody disgrace. If they carried on in real life like they do on the tv the police would be quickly notified.

Dina 10:06 am, 16-Sep-2011

Actually not made up Dom, though perhaps some artistic licence :) good idea for a new piece though. I've always hated every single CBeebies presenter, but that woman (Katie?) from 'I Can Cook' is a particular target for bile.

ianbrownshairdo 10:53 am, 16-Sep-2011

i dont trust Tumble.

Dom Clarke 4:05 pm, 16-Sep-2011

Yes, HER from I can cook! And the pair from "show me show me". Granny Murray from "me too" (and rest of the cast). I'd enjoy a piece on that!

Bob 4:48 pm, 16-Sep-2011

I have taught my kids to say "Glue factory sold separately" whenever I say 'My Little Pony'. It's the little things that make being a parent so worthwhile.

Calum Mac 6:43 pm, 16-Sep-2011

Great idea for the article on kid TV. I cant watch 'show me show me' without screaming at the tv. Had three weeks off looking after my son and was ready to kill myself.

Fr3sh 11:53 am, 28-Mar-2013


Corax 11:38 pm, 29-Mar-2013

Fkn lol. And Dina, I'll bet your kids are happier and know they're loved far more than those of the sanctimonious tosspots that are raising their kids according to what some book tells them they should be doing.

sammie 9:39 pm, 4-Sep-2013

This has truly made my day. At least i now know it isn't just me that, more often than not , looks like some ranting, mad woman while trying to drag a child on reins through a supermarket/park/primark/ANYWHERE they know they can make you look the worlds worst parent!

Matt 9:59 pm, 4-Sep-2013

Really enjoyed that, Dina. Great stuff. x

elder 2:34 pm, 11-Sep-2013

Wonderful imagery. Not sure about the parenting. Remember to take your engagement ring off before you back-hand her in the face.

elder 2:43 pm, 11-Sep-2013

But my! look at all the dodgy parents you've enticed into the open. They'll probably all go home trying to convince their partner that it's ok to send the kids to military school.

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