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5 Ways To Approach Women Without Coming Across Like A Perv
Grabbing arses doesn't work, buying us a drink doesn't mean you've purchased us and shouting 'I WOULD' is not the best chat up line... follow this guide to attracting women without being a tool...
So last year I Slutwalked. I was completely naked – under my pants, bra, tights, dress and flat shoes. I deliberately decided not to dress “slutty”, whatever that means, because the right to wear a thong in public was not one of the things I was marching for. The only thing that I considered faintly provocative about my outfit was my butter soft leather jacket, but unless I rushed up to a stranger and said “hey, cop a feel of my sexy jacket” I thought passers by would go unprovoked. And yet, in all my not-hot glory, as I made my way to the tube to fight for a woman’s right to walk along the street and not be harassed, I got harassed.
A gentleman with a good thirty years on me stopped in the street, looked at my feet, my legs, my chest, my face and back to my chest again, saying (verbatim) “Cor, you’re gorgeous, you are! I definitely would.” The looking took about twenty three seconds, which feels like a very long time when you’re being stared at.
I know that most of the men reading this understand that this is not the best way to start chatting up a woman. But this sort of thing happens to me at least four times a week – and that doesn’t include all the staring, leering and dodgy lines I’m subjected to in bars. There’s no way I’m being singled out because of my stunning beauty. I’m not SuBo, but I’m not Eva Longoria either. Also every single one of my girl mates reports a series of similar events at a similar frequency. That makes a lot of pervy creeps – unless thousands of men are genuinely clueless about pulling. It’s a definite possibility, so I thought it was worth putting together a guide for boys about how to approach girls, by a girl.
There’s nothing wrong with staring at arses – they’re lovely – but for fuck’s sake go and look at one in a magazine
1. Location, location, location
If a man were to smile at me across a crowded bar, start a conversation and/or offer me a drink, I’d think “how charming!” If that same man were to try and start the same conversation by tapping me on the shoulder as we walked along a quiet road I’d be rummaging for my rape alarm. Being chatted up is lovely when you’re expecting it, but when you feel like you’ve been ambushed it’s not flattering, it’s frightening. Especially when someone comes up behind you. They have decided to take a punt on your face because they have spent some time checking out and enjoying your arse. There’s nothing wrong with staring at arses – they’re lovely – but for fuck’s sake go and look at one in a magazine. A woman in a bar is surrounded by friends, waiters, bouncers and people who can help if she becomes the object of a madman’s affections. A woman walking along the street has to be her own bouncer – just assume she doesn’t like the look of you and don’t try to force your way in.
2. You’ve bought us a drink – you haven’t bought us…
So you thought about following the woman with the nice bottom, decided it was a bad idea and went somewhere for a quick pint instead. And amazingly, she’s popped up at your local with her mates. And they’ve all got nice bottoms! Whether it’s serendipity or a nice prezzie from the patron saint of Not Stalking (not that women can be given as gifts, that’s objectification, innit?!) you should definitely offer to buy her a drink. If she says “yes please”, things are looking good. But all she has accepted is a drink. Ken Clarke has been guilty of some utter cuntery but he has not yet introduced a Sex for Wine bill. You are not entitled to see a nipple for every unit of alcohol you purchase for a woman. There is no scale where a bitter shandy gets you a hand shandy and Bollinger buys you bum sex. If you buy someone a drink, it is polite for them to chat to you. You might get on very well, and then phone numbers and fluids can be exchanged. But if the lucky recipient of your generosity ignores you for the rest of the night that’s her prerogative. She’s a rude bitch, but if you feel that strongly about it you can ask her for your fiver back. That’s it. If you want to pay for sex there are all sorts of places you can go. But it’s going to cost more than a bottle of Chardonnay.
Don’t be light and strokey and sinister or she’ll think you’re a Tim Burton animation masquerading as a human being
3. Touching
Sometimes me and my sister play a game called Gay Incest Chicken. You get a same gender sibling, and take it in turns to gently place a hand on the other person’s arm, face, knee or thigh. When the person being touched screams “arghhhhhhhh” and runs away to bathe in bleach, the toucher has won. I know that some people just don’t like being touched, but even the huggiest and kissiest of us do a fair bit of involuntary sphincter scrunching when someone else’s hands take us outside our comfort zone. And I’m always amazed by the number of guys who wouldn’t dream of grabbing a woman’s arse at a garden centre but think it’s OK in a club. I know that everyone from 50 Cent to JLS has sung about the interesting stuff that goes down at “the club” but as far as I know, Fiddy didn’t say “she hit the floor, she’s looking fly / so normal assault laws don’t apply.” If you want to touch someone’s bum, stop and think. Has she spoken to you? Is she smiling? Is she sticking it out whilst wiggling it and winking at you? If you can answer yes to all these questions, you can get stuck into buttock.
So where can you touch a woman when you want to get to know her better? A hand on the arm is fine. An arm around the shoulder is usually OK. It’s like a handshake – firm but brief. Don’t be light and strokey and sinister or she’ll think you’re a Tim Burton animation masquerading as a human being. Don’t be so hard and squeezy that she’ll worry you’re about to snatch her away and throw her in the back of a van. This is not a foolproof way of pulling – but a woman who responds positively to your hand on her arm is much more likely to invite you to put it on her bottom.
4. Compliments are complicated
This bit makes me feel like a right bitch. I know most compliments come from a kindly place. And even the compliments that are intended as a manipulative seduction tool are also intended to make the recipient feel good about themselves. I’m sure the man at the corner shop who told me he’d love to come on my tits believed his semen was the most precious gift he could give me. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’d rather have a Mars Bar.
It’s up to the individual, but I’d advise that you avoid complimenting someone’s primary, secondary or tertiary sexual organs until you’ve known them for at least a week. Accessories are fair game, but try to be genuine and specific. “That’s a really nice bag” sounds a bit weird when addressing someone clutching a Dixon’s carrier. Also, beware of negging, or the Negative Compliment. To the uninitiated, some American dude told a load of other American dudes that they could march up to a woman, say “hey, your hair looks shit” and get laid. If you want to sleep with some poor girl with crippling self esteem problems, good luck to you. But a reasonably confident lady will respond by chucking a double Baileys in your face. And then your hair will look really shit.
5. Women want to get laid too – just not by everyone
Many men I’ve spoken to treat pulling like weight training. It’s all about tackling and overcoming resistance. And, er, protein shakes. May I refer you to Princess Jasmine from Aladdin, who told the eponymous hero that she was not “a prize to be won”? If a woman has told you she’s not interested, she’s not playing a weird game – for whatever reason, she’s not taken a shine to you and no amount of drinks, card tricks and showing off is going to change her mind. But the good news is that women think about sex exactly as men do. They like doing it with people they fancy. They don’t withhold it for sport. However, avagina isn’t like Tesco – it’s not an area that welcomes all business once the doors have been open. (Also, you probably won’t find any half price biscuits or cheap travel irons in there.) In Daily Mail Land, a woman who has had sex at any point in her life is totally indiscriminate about who she subsequently has sex with. In real life she gets to choose. Even if your mate Dave told you she was a dirty bitch and totally up for it.
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COMMENTS
nice one daisy. i may have to write a piece in response. a friend of mine (a girl) had a method of approaching men, she would trip them up, normally when they were pissed, then rub her boobs on them as she helped them up, and sometimes took them to the hospital!
Takes me back this, Daisy. I once saw a girl eyeing me up at a club, so I went over, gave her some crappy spiel and offered to buy her a drink. Deciding she was a bit tipsy, I said, "I'll get you a Coke," to which she replied: "No you won't. Get me a fucking beer." Three years later we got married.
Damnation. Why didn't somebody write this 25 years ago? But at least I know now, so intimate knowledge with a lady here I come.
I agree with you with almost all of the article but it all depends on the personality of the person.If she has an attitude problem then it's very very hard to get with her anyhow otherwise it's rather easy
Good article. Just the other day I was walking into town, there was an attractive blone with a short summer dress walking along about 50 yards in front. This work van drove past slowly, tooting its horn repeatedly while some arsehole stuck his head out of the window, shouting obscenities at her. It was pretty cringeworthy and I did feel sorry for her. But then again, I would never dream of behaving like this but I still can't find a girlfriend anywhere.
I got leered at on the way to slut-walk too! Account of it here: http://journo86.blogspot.com/2011/06/revisiting-old-injustices.html Agree on club harassment. I think men that do this know it's annoying and are just total nob-heads. Flesh-based excuses really don't hold: If a bloke had his shirt off, or his bum-crack showing, I wouldn't take that as a sign that he's 'a dirty bastard and totally up for it'. I'd expect to upset him if I pinched him, and all this should be common sense. Good, funny piece!
hang on, so we're meant to be blokes but we can't leer at women. this is tricky. maybe we should be allowed to just do what we want rather than being instructed by women? perhaps I'll organise a walk.
Distinctly sex offendery post John The Braptist....
Errrm it has to be said that there are a fair few females out there who are not above a cheeky grope in a club either...
Yeah! But I think they're aiming to be pests as well…
(equality! Some women are nob-heads too)
Great piece, very funny!... "Gay incest chicken" left me absolutely howling!... Wrong, but very, very funny!... More from this lady please!
Sorry, the level of attention you attract is nothing to that received by Samantha Brick (or whatever last weeks social media outrage subject was called) she really suffers due to her appearance doesn't she. Anyways here's 10p, go ring your mother and tell her you won't be home tonight.
'avagina'? That's one new supermarket I'd like to have seen the opening of.
As much as I’m prepared to acknowledge that there are plenty of men who behave like this, that doesn’t make this piece any less absurdly stereotypical and condescending. I lolled, but this kind of home truths stuff does sorta smack of Samantha Brick-ery
I was outside a hotel in Leeds the other day and there was three twenty something females stood there,they pointed at me nodded then one of them said yeah I would but it would be like shagging your dad...I nearly choked on my cig..
The irony of this piece is that any woman who feels compelled to prescribe a list of rules for acceptable pulling etiquette is clearly an intolerable control freak and thus highly unlikely to attract any male admirers to benefit from the chivalry she seeks to instil in them. Still, I'm sure that both the sluttier and cripplingly self-conscious amongst your female readership will thank you for your efforts in making them feel validated the coarse medium of shrill and inane feminizzzm. It's just a shame you didn't write it 15 years ago like everybody else. Michael.
I have to admit i've been guilty of slapping a womans arse in a club when i've been hammered. In one instance i got a nice smile from her as she walked by, i later went over chatted and apologised and we arranged to meet up. The other time i remember doing it i got a slap and her drink in my face, deservedly so!
Overall, very funny and cringe-worthy read. This is all pretty much common sense, which frankly leaves me feeling very bemused that this is so prevalent in male British society. Looking forward to any follow-up articles Daisy.
Also, @Ava Gina: Seriously?! Read, re-read and re-re-read your comment and still cannot figure out where you’re coming from! The article is clearly a tongue-in-cheek assessment of deficient males who don’t have the basic social skills required not come across as Neanderthals when they are confronted with an attractive female. What has that got to do with “feminizzzm”?!
Um...if you hang around in bars, you will run into men like that.....that many times a week. Figure it out.
Why do some women dress oozing sex appeal and scorn even a short glance of approval? I'm not 18 anymore--when I look it's admiration, not horniness.
It seems like quite a conundrum - you've to do all the approaching but be treated like a creep most of the time for doing it. hmm
haha LOVE this article. The crude compliments from the builders on my route to work are comedic gold. I think they think if I'm laughing there in. Sadly no! Cant help but feel sorry for men labelled 'creepy' on a night out for even trying it on. Best just hang around and bide your time, after a few vodkas the goggles always work in your favor. Finally however from a girl who has many single female friends I think a female version advising how not to act desperate/like a stalker is also warranted. We are just as bad!
Read this, then read '5 ways to convince your boyfriend you're a nightmare girlfriend' then come to the realisation it's just not worth the hassle. Then read about guy that gave up rubbing one off for a week. I love Sabotage.
You lost me after "looking at arses". Why on earth would I want to start a conversation with a woman? Sounds ghastly.
In practice - if you are handsome then you can do pretty much anything and girls will find it charming, if you are ugly then the same actions are creepy.
read the article, read the comments, then went back to the article... can't see the side-splitting, tear-inducing humour everyone is on about. Also lord creator 100% correct (maybe 99%).
I'm an ugly bastard. There's no getting round it, I'm really not attractive physically. For me, or any fella who is even average looking, there's fuck all you can say to just walk over to a woman and get her to give you the time of day. Doesn't matter how nice a person you are underneath, or how respectful you are, if you're not good looking women do not need to give you the time of day....and so they won't. That's the way the world works.
Davey, just lower the bar. Fat chicks are always grateful supposedly. You can always find a redeeming quality in even the most unfortunate looking munters - nice tits, legs or arse maybe. I can overlook a face that makes me want to gag if a bird has a corking arse... Just bend her over. Hot chicks are almost always self absorbed, stupid, money grabbing or untrustworthy anyway. Do yourself a favour and find yourself a sweet natured, intelligent and loyal bag of spanners.
God, I wish all of you fucking mysogynists could be a woman for a day. Maybe then you'd get what it feels like to constantly being harrassed - it's not funny, it's plain scary and it just wears you out. Harrassment and creepery has nothing to do with how good looking a woman is, because it is a tactic men use to hold power over women. It has nothing to do with flirting, because in the end, this is about making women feel uneasy and scared and feel like an object every time they step out of the house. So knock it off, for God's sake! What the hell is so difficult about approaching a woman face-to-face (do never EVER creep up from behind, that's just gross) and ask her if she'd like a drink or make small-talk. You know, women are people too, so why can't treat them like would treat any other human adult?
the title is "5 Ways To Approach Women Without Coming Across Like A Perv"...so what are they?Lord creator i salute you...that's pretty much how it works.if an incredibly attractive man grabbed a woman's' backside,i feel she is more likely to giggle and flirt than slap him....annoyed:if you went out and no man "harassed" you or was "creepy" towards would you feel unattractive?also is it only creepy when 'ugly,old men' approach you?define 'creepy and 'harass'...i find your piece really unfair.not all of us look like some hollywood heart throb,so we do actually have to try and use a bit of charm and personality...we're not "fucking misogynists" if we're attracted to someone and would like to approach said person to see if that person feels the same....maybe you need to lighten up and go with the flow,as you come across like a man-hating,female canine being.having said that i know that there are guys out there who are very neanderthal in there approach to women....just don't tar us all with the same brush!!
Never offer to buy a woman a drink if your trying to pull them. 1) sends the wrong message 2) most of the time they will mug you off 3) i aint made of money. If you can get them to buy you a drink at least then you know they are interested and then only then you offer.
The responses say it all!
Nice article, it's nice to get a different perspective on this that was thoughtful, helpful, and in many ways was considerate of the man's position too (something too often lacking in both genders' assessments of the others' behaviour).
I can't believe how serious and easily offended so many of you are. Lighten up. Of course not all men do these things. Of course she is not telling you blow by blow how to pull a woman. She is just mocking those that feel this sort of behaviour is necessary. And yes, it is mostly creepy when an old man does it because an old man should know better than to think a young woman wants her bum grabbed.
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