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6 Reasons Why Beards Are Brilliant

by Cassandra Fox
25 March 2013 21 Comments

Every man who's worth his salt should have a beard. Preferably a sweaty, itchy, prickly, pirate looking monster beard that smells of blue cheese and ladies underwear...

As the wife of a Dr Fox, I’ve spent the last week shuddering every time I’ve read a newspaper headline. Fortunately for me, my husband has a resplendent beard – but I’m not it.

When I was a younger woman, I shied away from men with beards. L’homme barbu seemed to my naïve, wastrel self a fuzzy creature of darkness: lurking in the 10 o’clock shadows, hiding all manner of filthy secrets behind his facial furniture, face looking like a 1970s lady’s parts, and smelling faintly of breakfast egg. Dirty.

As a woman matures, however, she inevitably develops a taste for a rainbow of acquired tastes: black olives, red wine, blue cheese, and brown beards. Mmm, beards. Warm, nuzzly, soft, fluffy, tickly, prickly, marshy – beards.

Now I feel that the hirsute gentleman shines a little brighter than his clean-shaven brothers. Not all men are fortunate enough to be able to grow a beard; fewer have the strength of character and perseverance required to maintain and nurture a faceful of full-on fur. I think big bushy beard is the sign of a resilient, defiant, snugly, and damn sexy person.

I’m really quite jealous. I just turned 34, so it’s possible another 36 years before I can start growing a beard of my own. In the meantime, here’s why I think beards are the best.


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Beards Mean Love

I might, let’s say, go out on to the street and ask 100 people who are their top three beard-bearers. If I did, I could perhaps find that the majority might say: Father Christmas, Jesus, and him out of the Joy of Sex. And they’d be right, because these three hirsute gentlemen are model representations of the loving nature of the beard. Beardies are givers, not takers.

Beards mean power

My survey might also have returned the following bearded results, in no particular order: Henry VIII, Billy Gibbons, Shakespeare, God. All really quite powerful men, who would be rendered impotent (one might imagine) had they not beards.

Beards mean socialism

With a right wing government spoiling everyone’s fun at the moment, there’s never been a better time for the workers to rise up … and grow some full on Marxist beards. Keith Flett, founder of the Beard Liberation Front, has got the right idea. He tells us “Beards are politically progressive. All the great revolutionary socialists had a beard. Stalin had a moustache.”

Beards mean success

Sean Connery, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp. All clean-shaven gentlemen during their early acting careers. Now they’ve made it, what better way to show the world they’ve arrived as Kings of the silver screen than by growing fantastic face fur.

Beards mean strength

This year’s Rugby World Cup has seen more beards than ever before (probably), especially in the strongest of all positions: tight-bearded head prop. Martin Castriogiovanni, Adam Jones, Dan Cole, Juan Figallo: all heavyweight beard-bearers.  Special non-prop mention for Adam Kleeburger’s stupdendous face-mane.

Beards mean brains

Confucius, Einstein, Lincoln, Che Guevara, and Doc the Dwarf. Everybody knows that that the brightest boy in the bunch is marked out by good serving of facial hair.


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image descriptionCOMMENTS

Tom Greaney 4:51 pm, 11-Oct-2011

I like beards. When I shave I look like a large fleshy bollock.

Scotty 5:56 pm, 11-Oct-2011

Tom you made me laugh out loud (someone needs to suggest an acronym for that). I personally look like David Cameron without a beard, a bad look, saved by a beard. Ranulph Fiennes mid-expedition is Britain's most dashing beard wearer in my opinion.

Mara Tapu 12:09 am, 12-Oct-2011

I think you should check out a band called The Beards. Especially the song called "You should consider having sex with a bearded man".

ted 12:38 am, 12-Oct-2011

My moustache is shameful and pubic-looking, whereas my overall chin and cheek growth is quite lush. It is a tough place to be, and therefore for the time being I am sticking with sideburns. Come on moustache, sort it out.

Jake Hanrahan 12:51 am, 12-Oct-2011

It does my head in how I can't get my beard to join up properly. I have like a sideburn chin strap scenario and a moustache, but they just won't all join up and grow further across lol. Beard serum is the way forward...

Dan 8:22 am, 12-Oct-2011

let time be your medicine young Jake

mathew 12:07 pm, 12-Oct-2011

I'm a recent member of the beardy community and I must say, I'll shall be renewing my membership for the foreseeable future. There are four distinct advantages to having facial growth: 1. It allows you to be a bit scruffier 2. You don't have to shave 3. It hides your double chin 4. Chicks seem to love it Job done x

Dan 12:12 pm, 12-Oct-2011

I seem to be more approachable with a beard, although naturally I'm still a grumpy basterd when people do come and speak to me

Cassandra 3:14 pm, 12-Oct-2011

@Mara - thank you so much for the pointer towards The Beards! I think they may now be my 4th favourite band. Changing my ringtone as we speak ...

gavin Martin 2:13 am, 13-Oct-2011

If you get a the residue of a tallowy ale or strong stout while ferreting around facial follicles could you deduce that it is a beer'd beard? Are two beards better than one? I understand the other Doctor Fox has another young friend highly place in his department.

frank tigani 7:48 am, 13-Oct-2011

Beards rock.....quite literally. Jimmy Morrison, Neil young, Kurt cobain, john lennon amongst others all had great beards.

Steinbeck Jnr 9:04 pm, 13-Oct-2011

Never trust a man with a ponytail and/or beard.

Lisa Derrick 1:55 pm, 18-Oct-2011

I too love beards. Here are my written thoughts on the subject to date:

Cassandra Fox 11:51 pm, 18-Oct-2011

@Frank you are half right. I should OF COURSE have added the 7th, and most important, reason being that Beards Rock. However. Morrison, Cobain and Lennon are all bourgeois, self-conscious, beardy-come-latelys, if you ask me. (Growing a beard because you're too stoned to shave doesn't count.) And I've never seen Neil Young with a beard? Chas n Dave, Patterson Hood, Jimmy Cliff, Babyface. Now you're talking. Did Johnny Cash ever grow a beard? He should have.

Keith 6:40 pm, 26-Dec-2012

I sadly can grow a Hitler style tache, but the full beard eludes me, and I'm 42

Ives 3:30 am, 11-Feb-2013

I had a beautiful head of hair until my 40s, when most of the top fell out, and the rest went white. So I color my hair and grew a beard and mustache. Somehow my vanity resulted in a resemblance to Mr. French (Family Affair) or James Liption (The Actor's Studio).

Robin lee 11:45 am, 25-Mar-2013

I grew a beard by accident, cos I couldnt stand shaving, and it's stayed there for 15 years. In that time I've had a full shave twice, and it felt weird and made me look like Mr Potato Head. This is the strange thing..... I look older and more sensible when I shave my beard off.....?!?!?

jimmy jimmy 3:37 pm, 25-Mar-2013

I grew a beard whilst waiting for the wife to get out of the bathroom, she was in there shaving hers off.

gabriel tonka 9:26 pm, 25-Mar-2013

Aren't you just talking London beards?

Robert Cummings 2:50 am, 14-Jun-2013

When I'm developing games at Simian Squared, I do not shave. To shave would destroy the wisdom, the strength, the willpower... required to develop games. To shave, would also rob me of my closest companion, my beard. Therefore every game I develop WILL UNQUESTIONABLY have beards.

Virgil Starkwell 4:42 am, 9-Oct-2014

Beards are good if you have acne scars to hide and that's about it.

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