7 Things To Expect From The Sun On Sunday

Tomorrow, Murdoch launches the NOTW mk ll. It's a move that has surprised nobody, but what will be in it?
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Tomorrow, Murdoch launches the NOTW mk ll. It's a move that has surprised nobody, but what will be in it?

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You may or may not have seen the banners doing the countdown, but they’re about. Counting down to Sunday, when The Sun newspaper will be available – on a SUNDAY. It’s always been available Monday through to Saturday, but for religious reasons it’s never come out as a Sunday paper. Too busy with morning worship through to evensong, they say. But now Murdoch and his guys have raised a defiant finger to Heaven and disobeyed the Lord’s fourteenth commandment about not spreading scurrilous rumours on a Sunday Morning, and here it is. The Sun on Sunday. And with that in mind, here are a few things to expect… in no particular order. Feel free to add your own.

It’ll be about 10p or something

These guys aren’t stupid, they know the British public, and they know how the British public are terrified of trying new things. Unless those new things happen to be cheap things. So don’t be surprised if you walk into your newsagents on Sunday morning to pick up some Sunday Tampax and a copy of The People, only to leave it with some Tampax, and a knockdown price copy of the Sun on Sunday. And possibly a copy as The People as well. Just in case etc… a safety net.

A FAMOUS FACE doing a column

Newspaper columns attract famous people like a good spray of Right Guard attracts pussy, which is a wholly inappropriate and disgusting way of saying that they love the things. God forbid they’d ever actually write them, of course, but just adding their big celebrity face, perhaps with an autograph beneath, adds weight not just to the paper, but it gives the celebrity a bit of intellectual kudos too. It proves that they have independent thoughts. Independent thoughts which they bumbled haphazardly to a ghostwriter to clean up and make sense of. But who will it be? Al Pacino? Damian Hirst? Ice Cube? Florence and the Machine? I literally don’t know.

Good relationship advice?

The consensus amongst sensitive men is that Aunt Sally or whatever she’s called in the Sunday Times Style section gets a bit wordy with her advice. It’s all “look inside yourself” or “have you thought of this…” bullshit. But what if you haven’t got time to look inside yourself? What if you’re having real relationship problems, and you just want to zip off a letter explaining them in relative detail to a national newspaper, aiming to get it all sorted quickly with proper, doable advice? I’m not sure, but I fully expect that the Sun on Sunday will provide this.

To put this in perspective, I’ve literally just spent four minutes attempting to come up with a pun of my own, and couldn’t get past “The Puns of Navarone”

Pictures of poor fat people

The problem with bisexual papers like The Observer or The Sunday Times is that they don’t show enough pictures of fat people on benefits. The Mail on Sunday does, but when they do it, it’s all like “isn’t this disgusting?” and “how dare they”, but in The Sun on Sunday, we’ll hopefully get to enjoy fat people on bennies just because they’re FUN.

The cartoon about the bloke

When they were frantically clearing out their desks at the News of the World, the popular cartoon about a football player having sex with absolute belters probably went in the old shredder. No one will ever know what happened in the end. Did he ever settle down? Did his fat manager have the expected heart attack he’d been dodging all these years? Perhaps now we’ll find out. Or not.

Hot cleavage with famous people attached

Scan the Independent or the Times and you might stumble across some tasteful boobs in the women-only lifestyle sections, what’s the point in those, right guys? Tulisa from N-Dubz, Kelly Brook, Arg from Essex, thing from Hollyoaks – those are real women. Let’s have their breasts, Murdoch. Oh, oh, and who’s Imogen Thomas been banging?

Puns, lots of puns

This very piece that you’re reading may be lacking in many things, but none more so than a spattering of genius puns. That’s because puns are an absolute nightmare to come up with. To put this in perspective, I’ve literally just spent four minutes attempting to come up with a pun of my own, and couldn’t get past “The Puns of Naverone” which neither makes sense, nor means anything. Nor is it really a pun. But these Sun on Sunday guys, they’ll be punning their tits off 24/7.

Any more for any more?

Follow Josh on Twitter @joshburt76, or visit his blog Interestment

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