While normally you find yourself swerving parties where the likelihood of you actually knowing anyone is incredibly low, or worse, regretfully attending (where let’s face it, the organiser didn’t really invite you) and ending up bewildered and alone, sobbing over the empty husk that is your life, in a room full of strangers, as they awkwardly try to avoid you and your ill-timed tears. Upon reading this guide you will find yourself equipped with the tools to replace the all-too-familiar despair that plagues your life, and replace it with a sense of social relevance only previously available to you in your dreams.

1. Bring a Friend

One friend, to be precise. Bring too many and you may end up sticking to your group, too comfortable to venture out into the tall grass of partyland and too intimidatingly tight-knit for anyone to venture in. One friend, however, allows you to successfully wingman each other, weaving in and out of social situations like a snake slithering towards its prey. Take someone who is confident in social situations, you don’t want them getting clingy just when you are getting into a deep conversation with a potential mate about that obscure German film that you have on DVD, or whatever tedious nonsense you pretend to like in a desperate attempt to seem culturally sophisticated.

2. Bring an Interesting Drink

Bringing an interesting drink is an instant talking point. I’m not talking about anything rare or exotic, if you can’t afford that. Just bringing a bottle of Lambrini or White Ace can be a fun talking point, you can pretend you don’t like the taste as a kind of comedy routine, all the while secretly suckling on the sweet bubbly nectar with the utmost glee. It is the thinking man’s equivalent to a comedy tattoo or wacky hairdo, you are not anchored to your quirky talking point for any longer than you wish. If a bottle of Lambrini doesn’t make the hilarious ironic statement you hope, you can ditch it and pinch a couple of Fosters from the fridge.

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3. Take Risks

In a situation where you are anonymous, you possess a license to do things you wouldn’t normally do. This includes making extremely funny jokes that could be construed as offensive, disgusting or confusing. These jokes are high risk/high reward, you have nothing to lose when you don’t know anybody, so you might as well think big. You could leave the party with a rabble of followers patting you on the back after a well-handled Jimmy Savile joke or a surreal tangent about a feline uprising. You could leave the party having impressed everyone with your theory that the Ninja Turtles aren’t actually turtles and are, in fact, tortoises. You will never know unless you try, and what better way to try than under the veil of anonymity.

4. Don’t Talk About Religion

Before you begin your religious rant, I bet you are imagining that your flawless logic and drunken oratory will convert your disinterested subject into your belief system, whatever that may be. Unfortunately, you are mistaken, reciting lines from a Richard Dawkins book or spouting on about how Christianity and evolution are not mutually exclusive will not win you any converts. Although it is not impossible for your chosen target to change belief system - peoples’ ideas change and develop over time - I can guarantee you, it is not going to happen at whatever shitty party you are attending and it is not going to be you who does it. You are not as clever as you think. You will just end up getting yourself into an argument that resembles the comment section of anything on the internet ever.

5. Know When to Leave

The time will comes when the party is winding down, Bon Iver has replaced Daft Punk, everyone is sitting down, at this point you will realise that all the survivors are good friends of the host. Now, I’m not saying you haven’t thoroughly impressed all the party goers with your top class chat and effortless charisma, if you’re reading this, you probably have. Regardless, this does not render you immune to social norms. Don’t outstay your welcome, leave them wanting more. Sense when it is the beginning of the end and bow out, and wake up the next morning to the inevitable influx of Facebook friend requests.

If you have read this guide thinking ‘this is all well and good, but I’ll stick to parties where I actually know people, thank you.’ Firstly, I would question your sense of adventure but more importantly I would advise you to take whatever opportunity you can to diversify your friendship circle. The friends you love so dearly will eventually betray and abandon you, leaving you sad and alone, sitting at home wanking over morally questionable internet pornography.