All The President's Mentalists: The Republican Candidates Looking To Topple Obama

Corruption, free pizzas and questionable beliefs, have any of this lot got what its takes to be the next ruler of the free world?
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Corruption, free pizzas and questionable beliefs, have any of this lot got what its takes to be the next ruler of the free world?

Obama will probably win another 4-year term as President in 2012.  However, it is a two party system, so the Republican Party will naturally ensure a close Presidential race. Thanks to the grass roots/corporately funded Tea Party the Republican Party has lurched further to the right then ever before, making this one of the most interesting Republican nomination races in a while. Whom might he Barack be up against?

Well, the names listed below are pretty much ideologically identical with abhorrent regressive social politics and as The Economist recently dubbed “economically illiterate” fiscal policies. Yet a nation bemused with the current political and economic climate could lead to a very low turnout and somehow, one of these candidates leading the ‘free’ world.

Newt Gingrich.

Newt is the classic Republican; white, rich with family value policies in stark contrast with the reality of his personal life. This is the man who famously brought legal papers to the bedside of his cancer stricken wife in order to sort out the terms of their divorce, apparently Newt once said of her. "She isn't young enough or pretty enough to be the President's wife.”  This noble man blamed the continual marriage ending affairs on his love for America. He also keeps ballsing up and has faced the resignation from a number of his campaign team. In short he has no chance and should probably stop wasting money on the private planes he takes everywhere on the campaign trail.

Herman Cain

Former chairman and CEO of Godfather pizza, Cain, is the comedy candidate desperately in way over his head. This is best demonstrated by his wonderful new idea for a change to how prospective policy bills are produced.

He believes that the Government should be run like a business, and that his background running a third rate pizza company is the perfect stepping-stone for such a role.

Cain seemed like a jolly pizza-loving fellow until he recently claimed he wouldn’t employ a Muslim to his administration due to “creeping Sharia law.”  That bloody Sharia Law, you can’t move for it can you? Oddly enough, this bigoted view of the world hasn’t kicked him out of the race and he remains in about 4th place. He won’t win, but then he hasn’t played his ace card yet of offering free pizzas to voters. Imagine how well that would go down.

Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum is a lawyer who prides himself on his ‘compassionate conservatism’. Which is odd as in 2003 Santorum made some comments on homosexuality claiming it “undermined the fabric of our society” and compared homosexual acts to allowing for “man on child, man on dog” relationships. Very compassionate. These comments didn’t go down to well with columnist Dan Savage who created the website spreadingsantorum.com, which had a contest for readers to submit definitions for the term “Santorum.” The winning definition can now be seen on any Internet search. Have a look.

Nearly a decade on and Rick can’t shake it. It’s the top Internet search anytime you look for his name, driving Santorum helplessly wild. Santorum is an uncharismatic fellow and he stands little chance of making any inroads despite this frothy matter.

Michelle Bachman

The new front-runner Bachman owns a reparative therapy clinic that was recently exposed for offering help for homosexuals to get back on the straight and narrow. She denies evolution and instead believes in intelligent design; perhaps she should ask her intelligent designer to stop making so many gay people. She is an idiot in the same mould as Palin but with a genuine desire to actually work in politics.  Her recent victory in the Iowa Straw poll suggests she has potential, that can only be worrying for anyone that believes in a better world. However, we can’t write her off and she seems to have energized a strong support with the Tea Party and right wing of the Republican Party. She will be there or thereabouts till the end and could make a frightening double team with Rick Perry. Scary stuff. Imagine voting for that ticket? Some men just want to watch the world burn.

Rick Perry

Recently described as ‘George W Bush on Steroids’, Perry is the nightmare of the rest of the world. To swing from Bush to Obama to Perry would suggest a confused country with no faith in either party. Perry carries a laser sight gun everywhere he goes. Perry once threatened the succession of the state of Texas; he is a three-term governor there. Perry leads his followers in prayers at gatherings. He’s a bloody maniac.  However there was one area which Perry seemed to move away from his anti gay/abortion/evolution standpoint which was in 2007 when Governor of Texas, Perry mandated that all Texas girls should be given the HPV vaccine, a preventative measure against cervical cancer, even for those not rich enough to afford health insurance. A pretty impressive and progressive move you would have to say. Naturally it was vetoed and it turned out Perry was allegedly in cahoots with the company selling the vaccine. Religious and Corrupt; he stands a great chance.

It turned out Perry was allegedly in cahoots with the company selling the vaccine. Religious and Corrupt; he stands a great chance.

Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney is an interesting character. He stands the best chance to be selected in the race having lost out to John “steady hand at the tiller” McCain in 2008. He is incredibly wealthy and did a decent job as Governor of Massachusetts in the mid noughties where he cut the deficit and managed to bring about universal healthcare. However, because the American right hates the idea of a poor person being ahead of them in the line for the doctor, he has since had to distance himself from this ‘socialist’ past. Romney also faces scepticism due to his Mormon background, it sounds a bit too similar to Muslim for some. In 2007 a Gallup poll revealed that 24% of those questioned would never vote for a Mormon, although 53% said they would never vote for an atheist. Romney also has a skill in that he looks like a President, though that didn’t work for Al Gore or John Kerry. He does stand a strong chance and his more centrist background would interest some voters to give Obama a close run.

Ron Paul

Paul is the forgotten man of the race. Jon Stewart recently referred to him as the 13th floor in a hotel. It’s an odd one. Ron Paul is a staunch libertarian and firm believer in the constitution. He wishes not to do anything politically unless it is explicitly written in the constitution. He has been dubbed the ‘intellectual godfather of the tea party’ yet still the mainstream media ignore him, perhaps because he was strongly against the Iraq war so doesn’t fit in with Fox News narrative. He also seems to genuinely believe in political positions through rational and intellectual thought, hardly an attractive quality.

Ultimately his main downfall is that he uses big words. Something viewed with sceptisicm by the Republican faithful. However, he came a close second in the Iowa straw poll so maybe he shouldn’t be ignored too easily. He is certainly someone who could catch an undecided voter, disillusioned with the current state of America. The Republicans would be smart to back him. They won’t.

John Huntsman

Huntsman got 69 votes in the Iowa straw poll. No chance. Tim Pawlenty who gained thousands more votes has since dropped out. Huntsman is a dead man walking.

And of course… The Presidential Prick Tease…

Sarah Palin

Palin probably won’t run since she is making too much money right now to take on an actual real job. Don’t forget Palin quit her job as Governor of Alaska to have a Reality TV show.

The media is oddly obsessed with her. The pathetic recent frenzy over her emails a case in point. She will continue to dominate headlines but probably won’t go any further than these bus tours across America.

Yet people will continue to be obsessed. Since she is obviously an idiot, perhaps they despise her as she seems to genuinely believe she is smart enough, good enough to run the United States of America. Maybe it is this clear delusion that makes so many people shake their heads when they hear her name. She is good for comedy value if nothing else and if she runs or not you won’t be able to escape her mad squawky voice letting out illogical opinions throughout the whole campaign.

So there you go. What a lovely bunch? A lot can and will happen until the Election Day in 2012 but right now there doesn’t seem to be a candidate who can match Barack Obama. So it looks like it’s another 4 years until a fight out between Matt Damon and Mike Huckabee. That will be a close one.

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