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An Open Letter To Bearded Hipsters: Stop Ruining My Beard Fetish - Sabotage Times

P 7 February 2014 U Nicki Daniels

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Dear Bearded Hipsters,

YOU GUYS ARE RUINING MY BEARD FETISH.  Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve loved a man with a beard. To me, they meant strength, power, MANLINESS. Someone who could protect me. Unfortunately, you guys have turned it into a fashion statement. The beard has turned into the padded bra of masculinity. Sure it looks sexy, but whatcha got under there? There’s a whole generation running around looking like lumberjacks, and most of you can’t change a fucking tire.

Look, I get it. I really do. I understand the motivation behind your beardedness. In fact, I even pity you. Thousands of years of evolution priming you guys to kill stuff, and chase stuff, and fuck stuff….and now what? You’re stuck at a desk all day. No battles to fight. No wars to wage. So you assert your masculinity the only way you know how. You brew beer. You grow some hair on your face. I’ve seen you, hipsters, sitting in downtown eateries, with your rock chick girlfriends, dipping your truffle fries, trying not to get the aioli in your mustache. I’ve seen the quiet desperation in your eyes. I know you’re screaming into the void.

But I still hate you for it. You’re confusing me. It’s now on me to suss out who is the real man and who is the poseur. Sadly, I fear most of you are the latter. Before this explosion of whiskers on trendy men everywhere, if I saw a bearded man it was safe to assume certain things about him. Like, he probably owned a hammer. Or washed his hair with a bar of Irish Spring. His beard was probably scented with motor oil and probably had remnants of last night’s chili in it.

But you vegan nancyboys are a different breed altogether. You have your mountain man scruff, but you maintain it. You groom it. With products. A quick google search of “beard grooming products” turns up literally thousands of articles explaining how to have the most lustrous beard possible. Take this one from Philadelphia Magazine, where they tested TWENTY DIFFERENT VARIETIES of beard oil. The result of this intrepid testing?

More…

Beard Backlash: Men Need To Shave And Start Having Fun

You’re Not Metrosexual, You’re A Knob

“I’m talking softer, more manageable whiskers that hold their shape better and smell nice, besides. Doesn’t sound so bad put that way, does it?”

Yes. Yes it does, you GIANT PUSSY. Am I reading “Cosmo”? What the fuck is going on here? Betty White has bigger balls than you. Look, I know I sound harsh, but I’m actually trying to rein myself in. A beard is meant to keep your face warm. Seriously, that’s it. You guys had your warm beards so you could go out and hunt us food, and we had our boobies with warm milk to feed the young’uns. That’s why I love beards. It is a natural, physiological response. I want a man who can keep me safe. How did it all get so twisted?

I don’t want to go back to Cro-Magnon days. I’m glad we have more gender equality and I like not having to worry about being eaten by larger creatures. But I am calling for a moratorium on the hipster beard. I demand that you reach for a razor if any of the following are true:

Your beard is accompanied by a bowtie or horn-rimmed eyeglasses. Why on earth do you want to look like Sigmund Freud? At least he could blame this strange look on his massive cocaine problem. Sometimes a cigar is just a douchebag.

You grew a beard to be “ironic”. But you don’t exactly understand what “ironic” means, or why having a beard would be ironic if you did.

You take time off from your entry-level graphic design job only to attend South by Southwest, take your French Bulldog to the vet, or lie on your futon and weep.

You do not know what an Allen wrench is, but can explain, in detail, the difference between a macchiato and an Americano.

There is an existing Instagram photo of you wearing a knit beanie and chewing on a stalk of wheat.

How’d you do, boys? Better go get your moisturizing shave gel. It’s time to stop playing at being a man. But don’t throw all those perfectly good whiskers in the trash. Give them to your upcycling, DIY girlfriend and let her decoupage some photo frames, or something. But please, just get rid of it. Another trend will soon come along to occupy your technology-addled attention span. And me? I have some beard-ogling to get back to.

Thanks in advance,
Nicki

Read more from Nicki here


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I was almost offended by the notion that not looking like Tom Hanks in Cast Away made me a soft-handed fop until I remember I can use a drill, change a tyre and if pushed probably strangle a fox. I also passed your hipster test despite having a bottle of beard oil in the house. Good read though. I’m stroking my chin and considering it all over again…

 

Are people still going to insist on this whole “hipster” bashing thing in 2014? It’s tiresome.

 

Is it ok if I used to be a rugged outdoorsy type of guy that laboured for a living and grew a beard but now work behind a desk? I do occasionally change a light bulb or top my car up with washer fluid.

 

“Why the fuck do you want to look like Sigmund Freud?” HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!

Just don’t trust a beardie under 30, that’s my advice. :)

 

What a load of fucking shite. That said, I’m down with the notion that all hipsters are cunts.

 

I have a beard but I’m no hipster, I’m just a scruffy cunt.

 

i can’t change one, but i can spell it – tyre,

 

The secret to having a beard and not looking like you’ve just grown one in the last couple of years because you’re a fashion victim, is to have no hairstyle whatsoever. As I do.

 

Yes they look like pricks. Young hipster with huge full beards just looking like they need a bloody slap. My ladyfriend likes my short, neat and ticklish beard though. Can’t think why.

 

Fuck off, Elliott. Only a fucking hipster would use his middle initial. Or a cunt.

 

Imagine if it was a man who wrote this article about women. “An Open Letter To Short Haired Hipster Girls: Stop Ruining My Lesbian Fetish”

 

What a bunch of shit.
1) Hipster bashing IS hipster.
2) You want a REAL man? Start by acting like a REAL woman, and not a fucking douche.
3) Grooming is for hipsters and not “real” men? Obviously you’ve never been to a barbershop OR know anything about western cultural history.
Your post is the most stupid thing I’ve ever read.

 

So let me get this straight, you want guys with beards to shave and be clean shaven? Next, add in a nice striped long sleeve button down shirt and you have your typical bar hopping douche bag.

 

this made me so happy, i’ve had a beard for years in fact I think I may have been born with one.

But seeing people with styled beards and buying beard lotion make me feel ill.

and yes the “hipster” bashing will never stop …ever..

and cherry im 29 lol

 

I’m with Keith. Or rather, like Keith, I’m with Action Man.

 

How ’bout stop fetishizing beards? Then you won’t have this problem.

 

Jeez, the 50′s called. How about changing your own damn tires, you cunt?

 

As far as I’m concerned the only reason to have a beard is because you’re too lazy to shave and have more important things to worry about than your appearance. If you have to pansy around trimming the edges and styling it then you’re doing it wrong.

I trim mine once a week, if I remember. I wash it with soap. That’s it for my grooming.

I also have many hammers and know which one to use for which job. I’ve known how to change a tYre since I was 5. I can even build a brick wall if push comes to shove. I’d have a good go at a whole house.

My beard was my badge of manliness. The bearded hipsters are ruining everything.

 

I have a beard that I trim and shape, but I do it with a straight razor. That I sharpen myself. On a rock.

I’ve not seen my chin in 9 years, I have dirt permanently ingrained in my hands and just this morning I was unloading a truck full of PA equipment. You can take care of a beard and still have it be manly.

 

I own three hammers, and broke one and I can’t grow a full beard….

 
 

You are my kine of woman. Now go make me a sandwich.

 

Pink shades and a full beard. Hahaha. Great article.

 

Beards are doing what all fashion does. It comes it goes. I don’t see the fuss. I have had a beard for as long as I’ve been able to. Who cares.
Just like when women have a fringe or a part to one side, that style everyone then has two months later. Don’t let yourself get tangled up by the amount of people doing something. How about you embrace the fact that you actually have more people to perv on. Win Win… Bearded hipsters/men are happy and so are you.

Have a nice day. Enjoy a beard stroke or 2.

 

THANK YOU! I couldn’t agree more. I get physically angry at the sight of a man-boy with a full on beard, wearing douche bag gasses (of which only about 50 percent are ACTUAL glasses and not the bull shit you buy for a dollar at check out from Target), a t-shirt that looks like it was found in the junior section, and some irritating, slouchy, knit beanie! PHYSICALLY ANGRY! You people look like assholes sitting at some trendy coffee shop, which YOU claim to have discovered first. ASSHOLES. I’m with Nicki on this. Beards used to be manly, rugged, and sexy. Don’t get me wrong, the minute a rugged, sexy bearded man tells me to make a ‘sammich’ and slaps me on the ass, I’m done. But I want a MAN. Not an idiot who thinks being ironic means being a douche bag who dresses like he’s auditioning for the first season of “Project Runway Meets American Idol”. So please, once you’re done shaving those god awful beards, look up what it means to be ironic.
PHYSICALLY ANGRY!!

 

As a bearded man myself, I know how frustrating it is for you ladies. I’m the type of man that keeps a toolbox in my vehicle (yup, it’s got Allen wrenches in it) and live out in the country on my farm. My wife is a city gal that, in her words, never met a man before she met me. My beard has no products, and any trimming I do is with a straight razor and a pair of scissors.

Many women see a beard as a sign of manliness. Faking it is false advertising. Just like a woman with fake tits and a plastic face – I’ll take a natural woman with all her flaws, thank you very much – it indicates you can’t be honest about who and what you are.

Many men can’t grow beards, this does not make them lesser men. The first step to being a true man is knowing yourself and not pretending to be something you aren’t.

 

This is basically the equivalent of saying:

“With every modern woman hiding their feminine legs under some contrived lie of pantsuit, how can you tell between the real women and the poseurs these days…?”

It’s gross to base your expectations of someone’s personality or sexuality off of appearance alone, be they male or female. So what if a guy wants to grow a beard? It’s his perogrative. If that confuses your narrow view of what constitutes masculinity, that’s your problem, not his.

 

Personally, I love this beard trend and I hope it goes on long enough for the razor blade manufacturers to start dropping their overly exorbitant prices so guys like me who can’t grow a decent beard can afford to shave without having to take a loan out to buy razor blades.

 

I see your point, I get just as mad when I see fat girls wearing yoga pants or leggings, they need to stop lying to themselves and ruining my fetish.

 

Just chanced on this article and thought add to the discussion. Nicki, congratulations! You have managed in this rant not only share your gender bias but also come across as being really ignorant about a lot of things including what is hipsters. I would suggest you try to look into the ideas behind the sub culture that has been around for some time.
Yes the look has influenced the look of top models and the styling of certain runway shows and as a result influenced popular culture. The look has been glamorized by particular fashion brands and i have no problem with that. But do try to understand that the beard is everything you question here. Without knowing it you have managed to express what hipsters question with their appearance about the notions you have about ‘masculinity’. They do also question themselves in isn’t a fixed state of being…( Not sure you understanding that culture and culture standards are constantly evolving)
I like how you refer to a ‘real man’ like it’s a tangible fixed notion that is objective. I won’t go into how the ludicrous you sound when you say things like a man who can change a tire! Seriously? That is you yardstick for a ‘real man’. Wish men knew this a few hundred years ago… we would have been changing tires every waking moment !
‘To me, they [beards] meant strength, power, MANLINESS. Someone who could protect me.’I think that is wonderful. I really am happy that a phenomena that anyone born biological males experiences and has very little control over made you feel this way. Ever wonder why or how you arrived at this feeling? Ever wonder why you felt the need to be protected or why you respond to the notion of ‘power and strength’ the way you do? It isn’t a ‘natural, physiological response’. Its a cultured response. You go on to say ”I want a man who can keep me safe. How did it all get so twisted? ” Why do you need protection hun? From the wild animals that lurk outside your cave? Or is it because women are weak and need the sensibility and the physical and emotional security of a man to fulfill her? Here is some homework before you decide to take on notions of masculinity you might want to read up on feminism or masculinities or for that matter semiotic theory ?
You should come to my area there are a few homeless people you can marry …lovely ‘manly’ smelling beards for you … can’t promise that they would smell of motor oil and last night’s chilli but I know the effect that has on you ! Knock yourself out.

Here for me was the most hilarious part of your rant ‘I’ve seen the quiet desperation in your eyes. I know you’re screaming into the void.’ Still chuckling about that one.

It’s time to stop playing at being a man.

 

Oh praise the sweet baby Jesus. I am so grateful a female can see through this bearded douchebaggery we are suffering from and through. This “pop culture” douchiness just brought it’s attention to me… and I was like “why does that perfectly coiffed (sorry for being a douche and using this douche word) guy, with lemon hair pomade (I can smell his manly hair product as he walks by) and those fucking Harry Caray glasses seem like such a fucking raging douchebag to me?”. I think to myself, “I’m not a Natzi? I really like people, I do good things for folks, but I want to punch the hipster beard guy who’s growing his beard really long (to symbolize the large cock he must not have) in the face.” I AM SO GLAD A FEMALE see this ridiculous trend of bearded douchebags. However, I have noticed (I live in the epicenter in the DB World–Venice, CA) that these beard DBs seem to be under the age of 35. I propose that even a true DB would know growing a long ‘Hipster Beard’ but then dying it coal black would be uber douchey even for him haha.
A real mustache is okay; normal beard is just that: normal; a 5 o’clock shadow beard is barely okay– a ‘Hipster Beard’ is moronic. Oh, but I have some highly enriched uranium pomade you may enjoy lol. Here you go bearded man.
Summary– the ‘Hipster Beard’ douche is the tattooed guy who ran out of skin, became ordinary in the tattoo hipster capitol of the US (Los Angeles) and now created… “Hey I’ll grow and huge beard…LOOK AT ME!!! LOOK AT ME!!!”
Now go rev your un-muffled Harley between gears at lights, in your retro sparkle 1970′s helmut (no safety afforded) wearing your WWII goggles, and pull on your extra long beard thinking ‘deep thoughts’.
Go earn your coolness by doing something worthy and good for society. Invent something. Improve something. And shave your stupid beard.
Oh and then nothing worse than the DB trifecta– the droopy beany, fake wide rimmed glasses, and extra long douche beard.
Nicki– what is the female trifecta douche equivalent?
Thanks

 

One of the most sexist articles I’ve read.

Then I looked her up to see if she was hot.

 

Next Week: An open letter to fat girls: just fuck off out my sight. What a ridiculous piece of crap article

 

Having a beard is simpler than having no beard. And there were times when it was usual. Thus we should ignore fashion and keep growing.

 

So, this “woman” wants tradition from bearded hipsters, does she?
A bearded manly man full of machismo who will provide, provision and protect.

Are those archaic traditions, much like the women who obeyed their men, who loved, honored and cherished them til death did they part? A mother and cook who kept our homes clean and nurtured our progeny with just the right amount of empathy that made our societies civil and meaningful…

Human civilization is a two-way street, ladies… so, kick off your shoes, step into the kitchen, make some sandwiches, pick up a duster, obey your protector and get on your knees and let him know that you’re in it to please… or else deal with it.

Now you know what they meant when they said be careful what you ask for, as you might actually get it, and all that comes with it (accountability, responsibility and obligation).

 

Finally a girl with some sense. These hipsters are killing real men with beards. I grow my beard do to the fact it keeps my face cool in summer and war in what cold we get. I don’t get sunburned as well. I don’t have time in the mornings to shave for work and not going to waste time on. Shaving. If you spend more than 5 minutes a week on your beard then you need to just shave it. The only soap I use is the bar of soap in the shower. That’s it. No shampoo, conditioner or any other stuff for beard or hair. Bar of soap. That’s it. I wear a hat so I don’t have to waste more time.

As for Elliot, Mosh, Tvg, Haervaerk, Ryan, liegh Mcbearded, Timmy, Samantha, Jake, Justin owensby, Jdubya, Stone morningwood. You all fairy fartin tofo eating liberal hipsters need to find yourselfs. You all just copy trends. And especially you jake. Since you seem to have all this explanations definitions and history of “hipsters” have no clue hat a real man is as your stereotype of one proves that.

A beard doesn’t make a man. A man makes a beard. He has more important things to do and worry about than his grooming habits. A man knows himself and doesn’t know currnet trends or cares. A man works hard and enjoys the simple things. A man doesn’t take anything he hasn’t earned. A man is willing to go the extra mile to help a person in need. A man knows how to treat a woman right and doesn’t let people walk on them. A man knows when to apologize and when to fight. This is a man. You people I listed need to learn this and be yourselfs and stop acting like assholes.

 

Beards are for Khvnts. Always have been. Always will be. End of.

 

Puberty never hit me hard enough to allow me to try to affect a look of casual sophistication. Instead I tried tweed and elbow patched jackets… fail. Added turtleneck… fail. Added pipe… fail, stunk. Decided to abandon the effort and instead swore off television… WIN!

 

It seems to me that everyone objecting to this letter is offended because they are the exact douche bags you speak of. Why else would they defend them? Trends come and go. The real bearded men were here before, and will be long after the trend is gone. It does not make it any less annoying. I didn’t even know what a hipster was until I saw a few. To me, it’s pretty much a metrosexual with a short beard. I believe that sums it up. I am anti-conformity so all trends annoy me. At least the real women can distinguish between real men and hipsters. By the by, Jake…get a life. Nice letter Nicki.

 

e-amil me-
beard, ♀♂, Redneck Jew, cool with your daddy issues, love titty milk, will kill and cook dinner for you:)

 

This is lame. Nobody should be required to act out tired gender stereotypes in order to wear a beard. If you can’t be bothered to determine who is a “manly” man based on actually talking to them, then you don’t deserve any man. Also, I’ve known plenty of vegan men with highly ungroomed beards. Several of them were quite good with tools. I suppose you’d miss out on them though, since you think anyone without meaty chili stuck in their beard is a nancyboy. All this article proves is that you have no taste and are full of outdated gender stereotypes.

 

How about you let people look how they want to. If someone wants a beard, let them have a beard. If someone wants to wear a skirt, let them wear a skirt. If someone wants to wear a red t shirt, let them.

The thing that is wrong with society is we feel we have the right to criticise people’s appearances, making assumptions about who they are by what they look like.

Grow up and realise that society does not act or dress just to please you.
Everyone is different, if someone wants to look a certain way they have the right to. They are their own person and eh reason we have such self esteem issues in the world is because people like you fell you have the right to criticise them, it is sick.

Fuck you and your ideals, read a book and write something that can actually benefit society.

 

holy shit there is a lot of hate on these posts. If you are getting so emotional that you feel a need to call this a ‘cunt’ then you are the emo hipster she is talking about.

Men stereotypes? Who cares? i thought men were supposed to ‘man’ enough not to cry over words. If you are offended by this article i’m sorry you are soooo weak that words hurt you.

And what man calls a woman a ‘cunt’ anyways? You must be taking part it the ancient womanly art of selective breeding. Jesus, go out there and get your dick wet with some strange. Play the damn field and don’t call women cunts.

If it has a beat I can dance to it and if it has fur i will ride it.

 

Sorry everybody took your post so personally. I thought it was awesome.

 

The other day I was walking to my car, and in the parking lot there were some 20 year olds having a loud conversation, with one kid pointing out how many times he keeps seeing dudes with hipster haircuts. The girl in the group didn’t know what he was talking about, so he “enlightened” her with his wisdom. The kid was almost getting off on pointing out how he had this superior knowledge of the zeitgeist and the observation skills he had. The anti-hipster becomes the hipster.
The anti-hipster is way worse than the hipster. The anti-hipster rallies against the stereotypes of the hipster, and beyond fashion this includes elitist attitudes, arrogance, and strange attributions, such as irony. The stigma against irony confuses me. What makes a beard ironic? If you live in too warm of climate and have access to a razor? It may be contradictory to have a beard in a hot climate, but does it really matter?
Live and let live; if someone wants to be a sheep and follow the trends, then they should. Who does it hurt? Why does seeing someone try very hard to have their look fall under a type of image offend people? If you’re picking out a pair of sunglasses and you can choose between some Ray Bans and an unstylized pair, maybe you’ll pick the Ray Bans because they’re “cool” and “in” (they probably always will be) or maybe you want the other pair because you know a lot of people have Ray Bans and you don’t want in on that fad. Either way, it’s the same deal; just two sides of the same coin. Pick the fuckin pair you like because you like it and they work for you, with no other reason. Don’t descry “hipster” and in the same breath be stereotypical hipster as fuck, judging people and whatnot. Hating on hipsters is just as trendy as beards, PBR, and whatever the fuck else gets blanketed into the image category.

 

PS
A woman using the word “PUSSY” to describe a man… Holy shit, that is some deep rooted sexist bullshit you’ve been ingrained. You are hurting both genders.

 

Haha, you forgot the guys that spend hours perfecting their douche-bag handlebar mustache.

 

Thank you for this fabulous article… which pretty much encapsulates my disdain for hipsters. I’d rather have a real, unadulterated, non-groomed beardy anyday. Without the patently dumb non-prescription buddy holly lenses.

 

Ps judging by the reactions here.. You’ve hit more than a few nerves.. Keep it up!

 

Dear Women with breast implants,

YOU GIRLS ARE RUINING MY BOOB FETISH. Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve loved a woman with a nice rack. To me, they meant voluptuousness, sexiness, WOMANLINESS. Someone who could turn me on. Unfortunately, you women have turned it into a fashion statement. The boob has turned into the silicon example of artificiality. Sure it looks sexy, but whatcha got under there? There’s a whole generation running around looking like pin up girls, and most of you can’t feed a baby.

Look, I get it. I really do. I understand the motivation behind your artificial boobs. In fact, I even pity you. Thousands of years of evolution priming you girls to strut your stuff, and chase guys, and f**k stuff….and now what? You’re stuck at a desk all day. No babies to feed. No kids to raise. So you assert your femininity the only way you know how. You go to the spa. You paint your face. I’ve seen you, fake boobers, sitting in downtown eateries, with your rock star boyfriends, dipping your truffle fries, trying not to get the aioli in your mascara. I’ve seen the quiet desperation in your eyes. I know you’re screaming into the void.

But I still hate you for it. You’re confusing me. It’s now on me to suss out who is the real woman and who is the poseur. Sadly, I fear most of you are the latter. Before this explosion of fake boobs on desperate women everywhere, if I saw a big breasted woman it was safe to assume certain things about her. Like, she probably owned a skillet. Or washed the dishes and cooked the meals. Her boob was probably scented with real sweat and probably had remnants of the last guy all over it.

 

The article was a good read. But you missed out on the most manly beard of all. the great army arctic field beard. i grew mine when they shipped us to the arctic 2 years ago and its still here! and nothings more manly then a bunch of half retarded canadian infanteers with massive beards chalk full of cam paint, last weeks rations and icicles off it you could make into freezies. Might i add its also decent ballistic and schrapnel protetion;) nothing stops a bullet like a field beard! Plus i can stick a few smokes in it for later on so im not dicking aroud in my pockets

 

Dear (Woman) person who made article:
Men cannot do like the Vikings did. I won’t go into all the details, but in short, our kind will NEVER, NEVER make it to Valhalla.
That’s great you want a masculine man. It in fact, makes you much better than…I’d say 30-40% of the females that want flimsy pseudo-intellectual pretentious hipsters who have degrees in french american literature working at whole foods.
But fashion is a thing, and you’re going to have to deal with it. Women have filters to get rid of men they don’t want. I suggest you adjust yours to do the same. Good Day to you.

-Sincerely, a bearded man who is employed in industrial labor with a background in landscaping(cutting down trees), plumbing, and electrical work.

 

Greetings! Very useful advice in this particular post! It is the little changes that will make the greatest changes. Thanks for sharing!

 

Stop wearing makeup. You’re ruining my ugly woman fetish. kthxbai

 

Hipsters suck, I understand that. But this is the most sexist piece of drivel I have read in a while.

Maybe you should stop judging by outward appearance?

Or maybe you should stop telling others what to do with their body?

I mean seriously, this is stuff you are supposed to be taught as a child. If this article was about Women, YOU WOULD LOSE YOUR SHIT.

 

Ahhh don’t worry, we all did this kind of thing at some point in our lives. Some people are more into trends at points in their lives and in some cases throughout their lives.

Usually you realize some point in you 30s or early 40s that it’s really about the money and personal wants and you don’t give a flying you know what about strangers opinions of you. This isn’t to say you wear a trash bag for clothing but it’s just not as important…unless your profession depends on it.

So I say do as much as you want or as little!

That being said..I do find some make very poor choices on the style of their beards. The beard itself doesn’t bother me it just doesn’t match their demeanor.

 

“One of the most sexist articles I’ve read. Then I looked her up to see if she was hot.”

——–

Indeed; a thoroughly disappointing end to proceedings.

Alas, the Gods have not been kind to me in regards to all things facial hair, but I maintain hope that the years ahead will correct this almighty wrong.

 

I’ve been hearing quite a bit about this concern. Here’s an easy way to determine whether you’re dealing with a man with or without beard oil: Check for a pocket knife. If they’ve got a respectable pocket knife (or swiss-army knife/multi-tool/etc) you’re probably dealing with someone who can change a tire. If not, it might still be a mystery, but it’s more likely a hipster.
Just met them? Ask for a quick repair: Cutting a loose thread, turning a loose screw, etc. If they can fix it with something in their pocket, you’re golden.

 

Speaking of Freud, it would seem Beard Envy is real, my friends.

 

Unless you practice hardcore traditionalism yourself, and you wear pretty dresses, do all the housework for the men in your life, and bake cakes a like a “real woman”, then you are nothing but a foam-mouthing hypocrite.

Otherwise, a decent troll article. 4/10 for making me reply.

 

Looking at the bearded ” see you next Tuesdays ” makes me exfoliate even the soles if my feet and bleach my arse

 

Fuck hipsters. Those so-called ‘subculture’ brings shame to beards. Beards are ethernal, historical and epic symbol of manliness, manhood and man in general. Beards were for prophets, warriors, kings, philosophers. Beard won’t make you a man, if you ain’t got balls. That’s why hipsters grow beard, to feel more masculine. I think they are laughing and making an irony, which makes them only look gay. Beards should be reserved for few and taxed! Just like in old Russian empire. Fuck hipsters!

 

Yes I have a beard. Yes I have a short hairstyle. Yes I wear skinny jeans. I guess I must be one of those hipsters that people love to hate.

The thing is though, I didn’t grow my beard ironically. I don’t own a bow tie or a pair of horn rimmed glasses, and I don’t have a French bulldog or a futon. I also have an entire toolbox full of tools, including several hammers and of course wrenches.

Yet, if I walked past you’re coffee shop. Where you sit sipping your marrochino, writing these bullshit articles. You’d automatically assume that I’m just another douchebag hipster. Not a “real man”, just another “poseur”.

The “real” men are all around you. You’re just too judgemental and shallow to see them.

The truth is, I could quite easily change you’re tyre for you. But knowing that, in your eyes. I’m just another “vegan nancyboy” off to brew some more beer. I would quite happily pass you by. Chuckling to myself while you struggle to comprehend the technicalities of a tyre wrench.

How’s that for irony?

 

I think beards are to guys like giant sunglasses are to girls. Most people look attractive when half their face is covered. Stop faking the funk boys.

 

You can’t grow a beard Nicki. Beards don’t concern women. You’re thoughts are literally worthless.

 

Pretty sure I LOVE you after reading that.

A bearded real man

 
 

When beards cease to be fashionable they can be shaved off, but what of that co-accessory for all fashion victims, the tattoo? Then there’s the piercings that leave your earlobes looking like slate layer’s nailbags.

 

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