When you get to a certain age you can’t move for them. Baby photos. Baby photos everywhere you turn. All babies look the same, every last one but nevertheless earnest mothers and fathers pepper your inbox, Facebook feed and Twitter timeline with endless photos of a ball of flesh. A blank canvas of a tiny person devoid of any thought, use or intrigue. Fuck you and your baby.
You kick off with the first ultrasound scan being plastered everywhere. It’s a collection of cells, nothing else. It’s not even a human being yet. Not even alive, so why are you sticking it up as your profile picture? It’s a grainy x-ray of your womb, the lobby of your vagina up on Facebook for all to see. You don’t see me putting up an x-ray of my spermatozoon as my profile picture do you?
The worst photos come minutes after birth. When your “beautiful baby” looks like the spawn of a particularly ugly alien, yet this kid is up on the World Wide Web before they’ve even cleared your vaginal slime from it’s throat. Your afterbirth is more appealing to look at.
Girls that once had the most remarkable photos of them staggering around outside Yates’s with their tits and arse hanging out now fill up my feed with images of their dumb kid. Before you wanted to scream: “Look how fabulous I am!” now you are just shouting: “Look how my life is progressing in accordance with conventional expectations.”
Then what really gets my goat is these people have the baby as their profile picture. Why? You aren’t your baby. Your baby isn’t you. That baby is an independent human separate from you. One day that kid will call you a “bitch” under their breath. Will ignore your phone calls. Will not visit you in hospital. Will not have you as their profile picture. And what an invasion of that kids privacy anyway. This isn’t The Lion King. With your baby shown up like a shit Simba for the world to see. Your kid is not a future king of the jungle. He or she is another Tory voter. Just another drone in the circle of shite.
Worse still what about your self-respect? You aren’t good enough for your own Facebook profile photo? Your life is really that meaningless and devoid of achievement that the best you can offer is a baby. Producing a baby is no achievement ladies. You had sex, nature took its course and the baby came out when it was ready. Oh, you pushed and labour was hard? Brilliant. No one holds in a baby like a fart they want no one to smell.
Baby photos are precious but daily documentation of your feckless nappy filler and projectile vomiter is unnecessary. You had a child, well done, you are supposed to. Sort of why we are all here. Half a million babies are born everyday. There’s nothing-special going on. It’s the raising the child that’s the important bit. Making sure the kid is polite, doesn’t shout in restaurants and grows up to not be a pointless twat that puts up photos of their own child like their attention seeking, worthless life living parents did.
Oh, and if you ever take a photo of your baby holding a beer you are a cunt.