Videogame crushes started for me in the early 1990s when I used to spy on my friend's older brother beating away at his joystick in his bedroom with his mates. When I was a little older now and again I'd get up the courage to challenge them. Much to their surprise (and mine), I was pretty damn good. I‘d like to say I knew how to do the trick combos that unleashed my ‘fireballs’ and ‘hurricane kicks’ but in all fairness I just winged it, bashed away and distracted them with my boobs; a transferable technique that works beyond playing video games. I’d say it was also at this time when my first real crush on a male (other than Michael Jackson and Daniel from Karate Kid) began... Hello Streetfighter!
#5 Ryu & Ken - Streetfighter SNES 1992
Ryu and Ken first karate-kicked their way into arcades in the late 1980s. With their ripped physiques and matching karate gis, it's practically impossible for any red-blooded lass to think of these two as individuals, or heterosexuals come to think of it. They're men that the guys want to be and the girls want to be on, or in between.
The key stand out for me with these two is those grunts. Those horny kung-fu / orgasm grunts. The kind of grunts that real men make. Men's men. The kind of men that stalk you after the 1st date and beat up your gay mate for looking at them funny. Drunk and aggressive men. Neanderthals. Men who beat you unconscious and drag you back to their caves thinking ‘no’ means ‘yes.’ Men who... ...I've lost where I was going. The point is I totally would.
#4 Link - The Legend of Zelda - Ocarina of Time N64 1998
Now I'm more of a 'bad boy' girl but there's always been a special place in my heart for Link from The Legend of Zelda. He might bring out my maternal side meaning the only way he'd get to 2nd base with me is if I breast fed him (which come to think of it I definitely would) - but there has always been a certain something about that Hylian boy.
When asking my best friend if she thought Link would 'give it up on a first date' (I quickly followed my message with 'yes Katie - we are really having this conversation’) she was quick to respond with, 'I think he's one of those really sensitive blokes that won't sleep with you 'til he knows it's serious...but then breaks it off after the second date.' I concur.
With their ripped physiques and matching karate gis, it's practically impossible for any red-blooded lass to think of these two as individuals, or heterosexuals come to think of it.
#3 Diddy Kong - Donkey Kong Country Returns Wii 2010
I've never been one to be embarrassed about weird crushes (I'm adamant there is nothing wrong with fancying Scar from the Lion King, or your 2nd cousin) so it was a close call between Sonic or Diddy Kong for this spot.
When Sonic first came on the scene as a 15 year old spiky hedgehog he got a lot of attention. The fact he had arrived to rival that chubby plumber made him more appealing to me... he had that naughty cheeky chappy thing going on and I always wondered if he would be faster than the speed of sound in bed as well as on his feet. Over-thinking it now though, as an older, more cynical soul... I think those spikes would be a bloody nightmare. You’d have to be so careful on position choices and can you imagine explaining the scratches to your mates? Every time you took your coat off they’d be going ‘For Christ’s sake have you been screwing that hedgehog again?’ I’m not sure I could handle the back lash, literally.
Diddy on the other hand... if you got that bitch Dixie out the way for 2 minutes I bet you’d find Diddy is hung like a Donkey. Plus he has so much energy and he doesn't talk. The perfect man / ape! I reckon he’d learn fast too, just put some porn on and ‘monkey see monkey do.’ You'd just need to have a bunch of bananas on stand by to keep his sugar levels up. It’s win win.
#2 Chris Redfield - Resident Evil PS3 2009
There was no denying that when Resident Evil landed on the PlayStation back in 1996 Chris Redfield was the stand out 'angular square faced video game character I'd like to bang.' He was possibly the only reason I didn't mind my 14 year old boyfriend at the time choosing his PlayStation over awkwardly-kissing-me-whilst-listening-to-The-Manic-Street-Preachers-and-making-me-rub-his-crotch-in-his-bedroom. Again.
Several graphic cards, endless zombie deaths and numerous bra sizes later (me not Chris) the evolution of the mighty Redfield has resulted in a fine mountain of a man. The main thing that I think should be applauded, and to be honest I'm a little bit annoyed it wasn't picked up on in the reviews, is that ridiculously sexy stubble that now adorns Chris' chiseled jaw. I would definitely sacrifice the rash for him. In fact, I’d wear it with pride to show off where he’d been. For all those men reading this and feeling inferior because they can't grow a beard... do not fear. Stubble trumps beard any day of the week. Fact.
The main thing that I think should be applauded, and to be honest I'm a little bit annoyed it wasn't picked up on in the reviews, is that ridiculously sexy stubble that now adorns Chris' chiseled jaw. I would definitely sacrifice the rash for him.
#1 Altaïr ibn-la'ahad - Assassin's Creed X360 2007
If you look beneath, the hood of the Assassin's Creed protagonist you will find a sexy, mysterious and highly trained assassin. These are, as we know, the three key components of every woman's dream man. I know, I know. It's a little controversial to praise those that wear hoodies in our society, but this dude was sporting a hood back in the 13th Century. He's ol'skool, yeah? Plus, Altaïr's mother died in childbirth and his father was executed, so you have to cut him some slack for being a bit of a recluse.
The main reason I've got Altaïr at number one is the way he moves! His swagger makes Cher Lloyd look like a shit wannabe pop star (she is? Oh). He creeps like a rapey panther through those crowds of peasants but the most impressively sexy of all his tricks is the way that man can jump. Whoever said Arabs can't jump must feel stupid now. He moves through the air like an eagle. A big sexy eagle you wanna get down with. The fact he could kill me with the flick of his wrist and the 'not knowing exactly what he looks like' elements are a huge turn on too. I’d love for him to appear at the end of my bed while I was sleeping, no words exchanged just there for one thing… I'd definitely make him keep the cape on.
There are of course other males in video games like Grand Theft Auto that I’ve got a little giddy over, especially when I’ve found the combination on the controller that makes them dry hump (don’t judge me, we’ve all done it) but these boys stood out to me. Feel free to share your favourite video game characters below, but don’t wimp out listing footballers from FIFA or Batman. That’s cheating. Think more along the lines of what they could do to you, like Yoshi… and that tongue. For now I’m all out of innuendo and I’m off to dig out my SNES and show Ryu who’s boss.
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