Bad Landlords, Accidental Porno and Gout: The Things I Learnt At Uni

My bedroom didn't have a bed, the proprietor at the corner shop tried to sell me drugs and I'm still owed £300 by my landlord - I miss university.
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My bedroom didn't have a bed, the proprietor at the corner shop tried to sell me drugs and I'm still owed £300 by my landlord - I miss university.

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1) Your landlord is NOT your friend! Students are seen as subhuman by just about everybody, do not mistakenly believe that you are anybody's equal. One of the most prominent demonstrations of this is when you move into your first rented home. Do not expect that you will be entitled to the same essentials when renting a furnished house as anybody else in the world.

For example, do not expect a bed to be considered a necessary furnishing for a student. Don't be surprised that when you complain about your bedless bedroom your landlord looks at you funny and asks why you need a bed. Do not laugh awkwardly thinking it is a joke. It will soon dawn on you that the man handing you a futon and heading for the door is being deadly serious.

"I need a bed! It's not a bedroom if it hasn't got a bed in it! I spend most of my time in my bed - about ten hours every day is spent in my bed!" At this be prepared for the eyebrow raise that implies that you are a hussy. When you get angry about the hussy eyebrow implication and begin asking over and over if that makes his wife a hoe because you're pretty sure she has a nice fucking bed; don't expect to hear from your landlord again until you have moved out and he writes to tell you that he will not be returning your deposit because there is no bed in your bedroom. Fuck you Zaffer you owe me three hundred pounds.

I need a bed! It's not a bedroom if it hasn't got a bed in it!

Do not assume, just because it should be a basic human right, that there will be frosted glass in your bathroom window. If it doesn't look frosted, it is not frosted. It's definitely not frosted glass disguised as normal glass. IT. IS. NOT. FROSTED. Do not think for a second that means you must have a tinted bathroom window instead.

If you do not alter your behaviour appropriately to account for this absence of frosted glass the students opposite will take a, surprisingly high quality, video of you having sex in the shower and post it on Facebook. If you are without both a bed and frosted glass don't expect a lot of sex.

2) Your friends will notice if you start throwing away their plates because you can't be bothered to wash up. Cutlery however, you can get away with for a lot longer...

Absence of frosted glass the students opposite will take a, surprisingly high quality, video of you having sex in the shower

3) Gout is not just an affliction of old fat kings. I was disabled every year by my yearly bout of gout after fresher's week. As it turns out you can't just survive on alcohol, bacon and chocolate - your parents were right. When people ask why you're limping don't tell them it's gout, it's really quite worrying how many people assume gout is an STI.

It doesn't seem to occur to them that a limp is not generally associated with genital problems. Do not dwell too long on the fact that very sexually active, supposedly educated students think that symptoms of sexual disease appear in the big toe.

4) Don't buy alcohol from your corner shop. When you see the person in front of you buying weed from the shopkeeper this should warn you that complying with the law is not their top priority.   When you say "No I don't want a bag thanks" and they insist "TAKE a bag" this should set off alarm bells. When you see on 'Fake Britain' that the 'Drops vodka' you drank three times weekly in first year can blind you, coma you, kill you and give you cancer you will no doubt be grateful that the poison didn't strike you down on the spot. But don't go counting your chickens just yet sunshine, cancer bides it's time.

Do not dwell too long on the fact that very sexually active, supposedly educated students think that symptoms of sexual disease appear in the big toe

5) It's not worth turning the heating off all year in an attempt to save money. You'll save next to nothing each for a year of frozen fingers and hard Nutella. You need to seriously consider whether it's worth transforming yourself into the girl that wears the thermal underwear for the price of a Burger King.

6) It all goes too fast and soon you'll be living back at home with your parents wishing for another sleepless night on a futon.

More great stories about the joys of being a uni student

The Worst Uni House I Ever Lived In, Part 1: Witches Brew

The Worst Uni House I Ever Lived In, Part 2: Wet Alsatian With A Stench Of Old Woman

The Real Fresh Meat: 9 Things That Will Definitely Happen To You At University

Freshers Week 2012: A Blagger's Guide To Ruling The Roost

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