Biscuits: An Appreciation In Lists

I always tell people that I don’t like biscuits, however this is a lie I tell so I can steal their biscuits when they are not looking. Here's my tribute to the snack in the form of lists.
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I always tell people that I don’t like biscuits, however this is a lie I tell so I can steal their biscuits when they are not looking. Here's my tribute to the snack in the form of lists.

Biscuits Are Best

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It’s official I have been living in denial for a long time (no, not about Simon Cowell falling in love with me, that IS going to happen). I have been telling people I don’t like biscuits when I do, I really do. I mean come on, who was I trying to kid? Who doesn’t like biscuits? I like biscuits so much that I decided to write an article about them. An article which is essentially just a bunch of lists, lists about biscuits. I’m not even going to disguise the reasoning behind it, I’m really just hoping that someone will then send me some biscuits about 1 of which I will then give to my housemate by way of an apology for eating all of her biscuits over the last 6 months and pretending that I haven’t.

5 Amazing Biscuits

  1. Oreos – Oreos not only taste great they make it acceptable for grown adults to drink glasses of milk without being known as the weird milk drinker – please note, drinking milk without Oreos is not acceptable and you will be the weird milk drinker, who drinks milk and smells like milk and has no friends.
  2. Bourbon Biscuits – You say bourbon, I say biscuit, bourbon, biscuit, bourbon, biscuit. An absolute classic, when I have children I shall feed them on a diet of these because that’s what loving mothers do.
  3. Those square ones with the chocolate  and a picture of a boy on the top – These ones are so good that I have actually forgotten what they were called, this is probably because I was so excited to be eating them that my brain blocked out all other information.
  4. Cadburys Chocolate Fingers – These are amazing, I can fit about 7 in my mouth in one go (yes I have a big mouth, what of it?), if you’re feeling really poor and can’t actually afford them you can just stick your hand in a jar of chocolate spread and it’s basically the same thing - you don't need to thank me for that tip.
  5. Wagon Wheels – These are less biscuit more total meal. In fact if you were on a diet I would advocate swapping meals for wagon wheels,  you may not lose weight, in fact, you may get fatter, but, you will feel very happy all the time and what’s better than feeling happy?

4 Reasons why biscuits are better than cake:

  1. You can eat 6 biscuits and not feel bad, fuck it, you can eat 10 biscuits and not really that bad, eat ten cakes and you will want to kill yourself.
  2. Biscuits are sturdy, if you hide one in your handbag it is less likely to get squashed then a cake.
  3. There are more biscuits in a packet than there are cakes in a packet (even a big packet) therefore they are easier to steal.  (Again, sorry to everyone whose biscuits I have stolen, I would say I won't do it again, but I will).
  4. You can dip biscuits in a cup of tea, if you try to dip a cake in a cup of tea it will fall apart and then you will just be left with a weird teay cake or cakey tea neither of which are very good things to have.

3 Puddings that use biscuits in them and are therefore superior to other puddings

  1. Cheese Cake - If I could eat only one thing for the rest of my life (apart from the above listed amazing biscuits) it would be cheesecake, granted I would be very fat and therefore I probably wouldn’t live for very much longer but at least I would die happy and eating cheesecake.
  2. Bannofee Pie – It’s got banana, it’s got toffee, it’s got biscuits, it’s got me running to Marks and Spencers at 9 o clock at night only to realise that it is closed just to try and get one.
  3. Biscuits and Cream – This is not an actual well know dessert, it’s just a bowl of biscuits with cream, it’s pretty good. (Recipe copyright Olivia Foster).

2 Biscuits that are actually really difficult to make despite the recipes being easy

  1. Shortbread – Shortbread, no, it’s not bread, it’s a biscuit. It’s also the hardest thing to make in the world, it’s supposed to ‘melt in the mouth’ mine just hurt the mouth, they’re too hard and essentially just rubbish. My advice? By a packet from Tesco, dust on some icing sugar et voila not homemade biscuits but biscuits you can pretend you made.
  2. Cookies – Cookies always seem like a friendly biscuit, like a nice happy biscuit, they’re big, sometimes as big as your head and quite frankly amazing, but try to make them and they end up more like Frisbees than the delicious disks of wonderment you want them to be.

1 Thing I like more than biscuits (there is only one)

  1. Simon Cowell.

P.S I googled the little boy biscuits, they are called Petit Écolier I think I preferred not knowing what they were calling because honestly, that sounds a little like Ecoli.

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