RELATED
Bisexuality Is Not As Much Fun As You Think
Coming out to your family is a very brave, potentially traumatic and admirable decision to make but imagine you didn't know exactly what you are yourself...
The worst lie I ever told took place at Christmas 2002, when I was a 22-year-old student. Since October I’d been going out with a gorgeous, funny and ridiculously popular girl called Lola, a psychology student in her final year. When I arrived back at the family home in Belfast, I bottled it and told my parents I’d just started seeing another student named “Lee.” Hands up – I lied partly because I didn’t want to rock the boat. My parents are Christians, and whilst I’m convinced they’d have come to terms with having a gay daughter eventually, it wouldn’t have been easy for them.
But I lied mainly because I was still figuring out what the fuck I “was”. Lola was my second serious girlfriend, but I’d also been really into a boyfriend when I was 17. I was pretty damn sure I wasn’t gay. I also knew, every time I looked at Lola, that I wasn’t straight. I know that lying about your sexuality is a cut-and-dried 21st century sin, and I’m not proud of it, but it seemed heartless to put my parents through this particular wringer until I was 100% sure what exactly it was about my sexuality I had to tell them. Plus I didn’t want to be popping in and out of the closet like a jack-in-the-box. Telling your family that you’re gay remains a very brave, potentially traumatic and admirable decision. Announcing that you are “straight, after all, folks”? That’s just embarrassing.
The main hitch was that I hated the word “bisexual”. Lola and my previous girlfriend, Mia, were both gay, with gay friends, who teased me good-naturedly for being “a bicycle”, as they put it. Without exception, my gay friends thought that bisexuality was nonsense, and that I was either gay or in denial or straight and in denial. Their teasing was good-natured and – I thought at the time – harmless, but I was called a “part-timer” and “half-a-gay”.
I can’t blame them. After all, I went out with Mia in late 1990s Glasgow. Our gay friends had invariably been bullied at school and gone through rough patches with their families. I felt guilty for not being able to sign up as “100% gay and proud!” They sure could have used the support.
So I came up with an uneasy compromise, describing myself as “a lesbian when I’m going out with a girl, straight when I’m going out with a boy”. I desperately wanted to be one or the other. At the age of 21 I held pretty strong opinions, about Blur being better than Oasis, about preferring Fitzgerald to Hemingway, about Glasgow being more fun than Edinburgh. Not being able to have a strong opinion about my own sexuality was a particularly cruel joke.
Whilst some people believed I was a coward in denial, others thought bisexuality equalled gloriously liberated sexual hedonism. Or, as I put it to a gay friend, “People think I’m just <greedy>.” Nothing could have been further from the truth. I’d had a religious upbringing in Belfast, a city which in those pre-Good Friday agreement years was about as progressive as a glacier. I stammered at school, and until the age of 16, when I got my first boyfriend and discovered vodka, I was too cripplingly shy to even phone for a pizza. In all my significant relationships, I’ve been 100% monogamous and embarrassingly starry-eyed. In truth, I don’t find that many people attractive. It’s just that some of the people I do fancy are men, and others women. Unfortunately, to a lot of people, saying “I’m bisexual” is tantamount to announcing, “I’m up for anything, me”. As a self-conscious, hopelessly romantic 19-year old, the “bisexual” label wasn’t one I wanted printed on a t-shirt.
What I hated most about the b-word, however, was the response I got from men who thought I was lezzing it up for their benefit. I never got more attention from men than when I started going out with a woman. (Thank you, global porn industry.) Kissing my girlfriend at a student house party, a red-faced, sweaty engineering student stumbled over to declare, “Woah, you two could make money from this.” My difficulty dealing with this unwelcome attention caused petty disagreements with Mia. Sometimes I’d dodge a kiss on the lips from her at the bus stop, because over her shoulder I could see a trio of drunken businessmen who I knew would leer. She believed we should be out and proud, and took my platonic cuddles in public as a sign I was ashamed of being with another woman. I wasn’t. I just didn’t want to be stared at. I wasn’t used to it, after all. I could snog a boyfriend at the bus stop and nobody would give us a second glance. Mia, in contrast, had been coping with stares, leers and the occasional snide remark since she was 13. She was better at it. I felt well and truly like an amateur gay.
You might imagine that bisexuality somehow broadens your sexual horizons, turning the entire world into your sexy oyster. As Woody Allen once put it, “bisexuality immediately doubles your chances of a date on Saturday night”. That wasn’t how the maths worked for me. I felt like I only had half a sexual identity. I was only half a heterosexual; only half a lesbian.
It wasn’t all bad, of course. I learned a lot about myself, and about human nature, by being romantically involved with both men and women. And in addition to the unhelpful responses I’ve described, I got a lot of support. But people like to put other people in boxes; even if just to save time. I wasn’t straight or gay, and at this time I never managed to get the word “bisexual” out of my mouth. I didn’t know how to tell people “what” I was.
This was still a problem one boyfriend and one girlfriend later, at Christmas in 2002. Hence “Lee”. I politely answered questions about “Lee.” I was honest about Lee’s university course, about where he lived, about where he’d taken me on a first date. (Ice-skating.) I just wasn’t honest about “he” being a “she.”
What made matters worse was that, in a different city, Lola had chosen this Christmas to tell her parents that she was gay. She’d “never really liked boys”, she said, and saw our relationship as the final push she needed to come out. They took it badly. Afterwards she cried down the phone to me, and whilst I felt desperately sorry for her, and guilty about my own cowardice, I also envied her certainty about her sexuality.
When our relationship ended, I remained good friends with Lola, and her group of friends became my group of friends, too. When I graduated and moved to London, I shared a flat with friends I’d met through her. In 2006 I travelled, with Lola, her new girlfriend and some other mates, to Glasgow for a friend’s 30th birthday party. Standing at the bar I met the man who, by 4am that night, I knew I was going to marry. Just about everyone else at the party thought I was a lesbian, since I’d met them through Lola. My husband-to-be was one of the only people in the room not to think I was gay, and it was only later on that our mutual friends thought it was funny that he was “wasting time” talking to me in the corner. On our first date, the next day, I told him. And no, it didn’t bother him one bit. He’d always had a lot in common with Lola.
More…
Strange as it sounds, it’s my marriage which has enabled me to finally make my peace with the word “bisexual”. It’s only now that I’m married to a man that I know I’m not going to marry a woman. If I had married a woman, I would probably be calling myself gay. Because, for all the reasons above, this would be easier. Today, having married a man, I can “pass” as straight. But I don’t want to.
Sure, the word bisexual still has undesirable connotations. But it’s the only label that comes close to describing my romantic history. I realise now that if we don’t name things, we can’t talk about them, and I’d rather we were able to discuss the entire spectrum of human sexuality openly. So I’ve started going to monthly meetings for bisexuals, something I fervently wish I’d done a decade earlier. I’ve started dropping it into exchanges with colleagues, just so they know. I’ve even made that terrifying phone call to my parents. Okay, I know that it’s easy for me to be open about my sexuality from the safe refuge of a supportive and seemingly conventional marriage. I know it would have been far braver to have been honest when I was still confused. But it’s better late than never. And this Christmas, if I get chatting about past relationships with my family, I don’t have to talk about Lee.
If you like it, Pass it on
COMMENTS
I think this is an excellent article. I've long watched the concept of bisexuality mocked as confused, in denial, "the last stop on the train to gay town" among numerous others. coming out as bisexual is more difficult than coming out as gay in my opinion. because acceptance will be hard to attain from either side of the sexual spectrum. yes, it's true, the gay community can be similarly close minded. it's like the 2 separate sexual societies have become enemies that persistently shout at the neutrals to stand on either side of the line. being Switzerland/Ireland doesn't appear to be an option when it comes to preference anymore. it appears if you want to be one thing you have to be absolutely that and nothing less. I find it hard to understand why you NEED to choose one side. I think the choice that you need to make corresponds directly to what you're sexually attracted to. if you're exclusively attracted to the same sex only then that's the decision that you need to make. however if you remain attracted to both men and women than that is simply the way your wheels turn. it certainly isn't impossible to experience sexual arousal from both genders? you've managed to highlight perfectly the many dilemma's and problems a bisexual will face on their coming out journey. I admire and sympathise with you whilst I must admit I've gone through no such process. Being honest I'm one of those "leerers". But I've taken a deeper interest and understanding.
Nice article, but a picture of you and said Lola engaging in a bout of jelly wrestling wouldn't have gone amiss. I mean who reads articles on sexuality for the words? ; p
very very very good
Great article! Too bad the pic goes exactly opposite to what the article is about!
Great article, really appreciated the words especially as I'm going through the same thing right now (from the male side). Cheers Anna
Article is great especially from a womans point of view. If it was from a man it would just be gay. its just the world we live in.
Excellent piece, and very helpful to my daughter, 20 and in almost exactly the same position, Except for having much more liberal parents, and therefore out as bisexual, (but also hates that word). Thank you.
Great article, which I really identified with having grappled with some of the confusion myself. Might even have helped sort my head out a little. Thanks.
Good for you and your writing is honest; but Bindel aside (and let me say I don't agree with her), I see far more blog pieces about bisexuals feeling misunderstood than people actually having a go at bisexuals. Bisexuality is not that unusual and many of my female friends have slept with women and had relationships with them whilst ending up married to men. Some of my exes were the same! I'm a lesbian and I continue to believe not sleeping with men (I never have) draws more astonishment than the fact I sleep with women. Bisexual women get a much easier time in the media than lesbians (ask Angelina... Or Jessie J).
I agree with LW's comments: "good for you and your writing is honest" but like her, apart from general homophobia from friends and family (or biphobia)I am stuggling to see how bisexuals suffer from institutionalised homphobia/misogny; as with LW all the blogs I have read are more about being misunderstood rather than suffering from the effects of patriarchy/homphobia in society and insitutions (hospital/schools/work etc). Also, the image used in the piece makes me think of mainstream porn aimed at hetero men (is this supposed to be ironic??)which ?I find disturbing. Thank you for sharing :)
To those in the last two comments - to be honest, the type of attitude you've displayed is a big part of the problem. It's hard to explain how frustrating and alienating it is to have people constantly second-guessing their sexualities. I'm a bisexual woman in a relationship with a woman, and for the most part I do pass as gay because it's easier to explain. As soon as people realize I'm also attracted to men, they get really quiet or behave like I've just grown a second head. (And yet I also get to play with the institutionalized homophobia that you claim doesn't affect bisexuals!) When I was young, I had gay role models and straight role models but no bisexual role models. For me, coming out was really confusing - I assumed for years that I was straight because I was attracted to men but harbored deep shame about my attraction to women. I highly disagree that bisexual women get a better time in the media than straight or lesbian women. How many articles have I seen about Angelina Jolie or Lindsey Lohan "going straight"? Ugh. (And usually publishers pick the images that go with articles, for better or worse. I agree, it was a strange choice.)
Yep, being bisexual has a unique set of challenges and it's almost its insistence on not choosing that can make it seem like a slippery fence to sit on. It's such a broad term too: when people tell me they're bisexual I think: 'Could you please clarify that?' When I was young I generally just felt inept, vaguely fraudulent and as though I didn't fit in anywhere (admittedly that could personality rather than sexuality...). Thanks for sharing! xRH
DINA, I don't think me or the polite and thoughtful poster below me really had an attitude as such to be honest, and probably your post demonstrates my point quite well in that there is a frequent suggestion that bisexuality is misunderstood or not respected without a huge amount to suggest it is much worse than what gay people go through. I don't agree with questioning bisexuality, I know it is real and respect it and (it pains me to use this phrase!!) I have number of bisexual friends and two long-term gfs who were bi who I loved very much. However, I don't particularly buy into the idea that bisexuals are in any way disadvantaged over gay people or that their coming out is any more difficult or controversial overall. Some people accept people coming out as bisexual easier than a person being gay; others don't. I would say it balances out when all is said and done. I appreciate you feel when you come out as bisexual that some people don't understand, but gay people tend to have the same challenge and then they have others that bisexual people don't (as an example, the fact that when coming out to parents as gay you rule out the possibility of heterosexual marriage in future, which some parents find hard to accept). In my experience and those of my bisexual partners, bisexual women coming out has generally been received with more acceptance than lesbian women coming out, as, as I say, in some company, not liking men is more controversial than liking women. The poster themselves acknowledges that now she is in a heterosexual marriage she feels better able to come out about her bisexuality, particularly to her parents. So, on the one hand, liking both sexes might make coming out more complicated as it's not black and white, and some people are wedded to the gay/straight dichotomy. On the other hand, much of the younger generation is extremely familiar with people being bi or not confining themselves to experiences with one sex and it might be easier to tell parents you had a girlfriend years ago now you have a husband, rather than to say you will never be with men and never marry one. Swings and roundabouts.
"as an example, the fact that when coming out to parents as gay you rule out the possibility of heterosexual marriage in future, which some parents find hard to accept" Bisexuality is considered to be very much a "phase" by both the media and society at large. Which leads to conversations like the following: "Mom, this is Susan. We've been dating for a month." "I thought you were straight now!" "No...." "But you were with John for five years!" "And now I'm with Susan." "But I thought that since you were with John for so long..." etc.
One of the most difficult things about being bisexual is the invisibility and bigotted opinions from both sides of the fence. Sure, I imagine coming out would be more difficult for the majority of gay people than bisexuals if you only take the conversation and reactions into consideration. But consider that an overwhelming majority of the gay community assume a bisexual is just in a phase or a straight experimenting because it's popular. And the majority of heterosexuals just assume "you like the same sex, well you're gay". Bisexual people do not have the vast community to get support from that gays do. When I came out to close ones I was lucky that the majority of my family were fine with it. My grandmother though has taken the fact I "still like girls" and completely hidden away the minor detail that I "like boys too". And that happens a lot. It's been mentioned above that bisexual people avoid the same sex stigma but it seems to be overlooked that the Original Post mentions that she would have just said she was gay if she married a woman because of the hassle it would be to be openly bisexual in a relationship with a woman. Think about the teasting and jokes you or other gay people make towards your straight friends. Imagine receiving that and also receiving the same teasing and jokes that straight people give you, with very little people that don't make jokes because they are just like you. Non bisexuals really cannot understand what it's like to be constantly known as greedy or "half gay" or in denial. When a gay person comes out even if their family rejects them they have generally got a family right there who have been through similar hardships and say "we love you for who you are". What kind of support is there for bisexual people? Especially since once a bisexual person is in a long term monogamous relationship they are absorbed by the community associated with their relationship, whether it be same or opposite sex. I really enjoyed reading this post I can see so much of my own issues within it.
Were it not for the absolutely RIDICULOUS picture at the top of this article, I'd love to link to it.
What I find difficult about identifying as bisexual is the fact that I've only ever had one relationship and it happens to be with a man. The time for exploring my sexuality ended when I was 17 and met the man I plan to marry one day. Sadly for me, I started to become bi-curious at 16 and was too confused to do anything about it until I met him. 8 years later and I'm still somewhat confused but my life online (which has always been a huge part of my life) has brought me understanding and love in the form of my friends, some of who are bisexual and pansexual. Never did I have this at 16.
Good article. I've identified as bisexual for 38 years now and never ceased to be amazed at the strange comments I hear. But I am an educator and I proudly claim this identity and do my best to educate others to understand better what it does (and doesn't) mean. Two comments/suggestions for the website folks: First, the picture doesn't fit the article and seems to contradict the intention of the author. PLEASE change it. Second, the tags for the article are: "Tags: Gay, Lesbian, Sex" Why isn't there a bisexual tag? Finally, I hope you'll do lots more on this subject!
Very nice article. I think thats the best description of the problems bisexuals face that I have ever read. As for the comments I found them all very insightful. I think in many ways it is worse to come out as bi but i some ways its much harder to come out as gay. I think there is more possible complete rejection at coming out as gay but more continued patronising and disbelief in coming out as bi and absorption into hetero or homo is inevitable. However as times become more liberal both are becoming easier and I agree with LW i think it balances out. I think the main problems people have with bisexuals: male and female is the sex and the invisibility. I think people find it really hard to see and expect bisexuality because you cannot see it. Unless voluntarily wear a tee shirt or date multiple people at once in an overt attention seeking manner you can't see it. If you have a boyfriend people assume you only date boys, especially older people but everyone really, if you have a girlfriend people assume you date girls. If you are married with a kid you are doomed to have people look at you and talk to you like you are a hetero and never see the real you and vice versa for same sex relationship but no relationship is ever guaranteed people divorce often so the assumption is daft. Butch and femme ....well bisexuals have no visual presence do we? the other thing is the sex. We can have babies, have every kind of sex that makes people squirm, not deliver grandkids. We can have either situation someone has a problem with all rolled into one person. We end up disgusting someone or causing resentment. Thats hard. Our past, present and future don't necessarily match up in people's brains.
Hi. Your article has really made me think about what sexuality I really am. I've been calling myself a lesbian for a while now, but still find myself attracted to boys. I know now that I need to think long and hard about it. The only thing this doesn't help me with is telling my parents. If anyone can help me please do!!!
For Kat: ne resource I'd recommend is the 42-country anthology, Getting Bi: Voices of Bisexuals Around the World. There's a chapter on coming out, which includes one young woman's letter to her parents, and also another woman explaining her reasoning for doing so. The book is available on Amazon and at biresource.net. [Full disclosure: I'm one of the editors of this anthology and the editor of Bi Women as well (biwomenboston.org).]
A truly excellent piece of journalism - and I've been one (journalist) for 18 years. Well done on many levels. Enlightening and fascinating. Angus
Change the picture. And the mind set that put it there in the first place.
Hey there! just wanted to say thanks for the article, being bisexual can suck!!! I've heard it lots that your either gay or your straight, and what I feel is neither but that doesn't mean much about my sexuality, and like yourself I'm a hopeless romantic looking for the deepest form of love, I just had more (sometimes what felt like too many!) options in people to find that, though most often I did not, until I met my beautiful boyfriend who I adore to all ends :) I am not a fan of bisexuals saying they can't be happy with one sex or another, that they need to have experiences with both or they aren't happy.. In my oppinion, you choose one person to give yourself to whole-heartedly, or else your being a cheater, exploiter, user, whatever you wanna call it, but you know the feeling when it happens to you... I would never ask my boyfriend to let me "explore" with females, I'm already positive girls have turned me on and given me fabulous fantasies and dreams, unless the love I share with the man in my life comes to a halt for one reason or other, im not using two genders because I "need" to. It really bothers me and I had to say it, so that maybe others can get that just because your bisexual doesn't mean your not the average person who falls in love, and falling in love doesn't happen when its about getting off! That is significant, but you can do that with anyone and everyone, and it'l hurt the one you actually fall in love with if your mentality is I "need" to get off and you don't cut it! I would be crushed, have already been there! I wouldn't let my boyfriend cheat on me if I wasn't enough for him sexually, he can go find someone else because I'm all that and a bag of potato chips! Being Bi with him just means we have fabulous conversations about changing ideas considering gender equality, history, etc etc :) I love him to death, and I don't need to cheat on him to be Bi, to be Bi I have to get over and feel normal about the fact that I have a lot of gay dreams and girls at work and school remind me I'm in a relationship, and that I still struggle with being defined as a gay, so Bi's out there, accept that you have several options and be grateful for your accepeting mind!! And find someone who is the perfect match for you, or explore, but don't think being Bi means being a cheater! unless your in an open relationship and you both can accept that with happiness, think about it happening to you ... xxxooo
Never heard anybody else come so close to capturing my own experience and attitudes. Thanks!
I relate a lot to this story. I am currently dating and very much in love with my girlfriend (first girlfriend), after dating boys all my life. I have heard everything from "indecisive slut" to "greedy" when people talk about bisexuality, often times not realizing that I had once dated men. I don't understand what the issue is about. I knew long ago that I was the type of person who fell in love with "the person", not the "gender" of the person. That's how I met my girlfriend.
re: typycal jew-catholic promo, lol Robyn Ochs2:14 pm, 24-Sep-2012 For Kat: ne resource I'd recommend is the 42-country anthology, Getting Bi:
This is probably the most right-on expression of my own feelings and experiences I've ever read. I've struggled to put it into words; thanks for helping me clarify my thoughts better than anyone else ever has.
I really enjoyed reading your article for i am going through it now myself and really don't know what to do anymore. I've been in a relationship for 3 yrs now with my boyfriend and was honest with him last year about my sexuality, at first it was no bother to him now its become a trust issue for him. I've hidden the fact that i like women at the age of 13 and hid the truth until i told my boyfriend, everybody says its just a phase i'm going through. I'm feeling so lost & confused and upset with myself because i dont know how to end my relationship with him because i do love him but am not really happy anymore. My heart needs to follow that path but i dont know which path to take..... Melissa :(
Really good article and interesting reading everyone's comments and opinions. I have always thought I was bi but like Dawn met my husband when I was 17 and so never got the chance to experiment. I told him in the first year that was bi and have gone on to spend the last 13 years with him and have had amazing times with him and our children. I have also had some sad, hard times, knowing that I would never truly know who I was and that I would get to the end of my life with deep regrets. 2 months ago I met a girl who changed everything. With my husband's blessing I now finally have peace of mind - I know who I am. Noone will understand him letting me or me asking him to let me try but (after our kids) it was the greatest gift he could ever have given me and I will be eternally grateful.
I was having serious relationship problems with my husband and it had resulted in him moving out.Everything got worse,he started going to strip clubs frequently,getting drunk and passing out..Sometimes when we talked on phone,he would threaten me,he was just not himself and our children were suffering for all the drama. I really love him and we had been married for 15yrs which gave us three beautiful daughters..I had also lost a lot of money on therapists and spell-casters..I was in debt and I felt my world crumbling..I was introduced to a spell caster by a friend who he helped with the same thing and I thought it was just a scam all over again but this time it was different..I did all he asked me to and after a few days,he started getting better,he started calling,texting,things just changed between us,emotions,our love.He has a job and has been sober since and am also out of debt..Its a miracle I never believed was possible,I had lost all hope until I found him..He works and if you have the same problem I did,he is the solution: templeoflove1@gmail.com
Brandy I thought powers no longer exist not until i met a great spell caster who solved my problems without collection any money.i have met with different spell caster who took my money and run away,i have lost over 3,000usd to some fake spell caster not until i met someone that solved my problems without collecting any money,he only collect money after he has done with his spell work.i am not suppose to say this here but i have promised myself that i would let the whole world knows what the great spell caster has done for me and my family..if you want your problem to be solved without collecting any money..You can send me an e mail to templeoflove1@gmail.com and i would tell you how you can contact the great spell caste
jeck I never believed in magic spell until, after I was scammed by Nigeria/fake spell caster, I a try to Africa for a tourist visit there in zimbabwe a also had a very good friend of my who instructed me to a spell caster that give a spell for money, In last than 7day my finance became a miracle just by the power of real Africa magic spell that never disappoint, I would like to recommend you to have a try to her magical power that would not disappoint just believe and work with her, and also don’t forget to work with the rule of your spell caster to avoid you have a side infect this you must always remember while you are EMAIL:templeoflove1@gmail.com
Peterson I never really believed in any of these things but when I was losing my woman, I needed help and somewhere to turn badly. I found okuntemple@gmail.com online and ordered a return lover spell. Several days later, my phone rang. Nadia was her old self again and wanted to come back to me! Not only back, my casting opened her up to how much I loved and needed her. I recommend anyone who is in my previous situation to give it a try . HE will brings your lover back to you. The way things were meant to be. You can be happy in Love! okuntemple@gmail.com
Hey. I'm female,and I'm 15. I consider myself "Bisexual" ,but I'm still unsure about my sexuality. I've never dated or done anything with a girl,but I'm in love with one . She's all I think about . But before her,I was inlove with my female BFF. Its hard looking at her and not being able to kiss her,but I've realised that could change things and maybe even end our friendship. I know I like girls and guys. But I really want to experiment with a girl. Dunno if this did anything ,but thanX :')
This article was incredibly useful as well as entertaining. I'm 19 and Female and I've only just really admitted to myself that I'm bisexual and that that's perfectly okay- clearly been in denial for some time. I can really relate to your feelings about being intimate with girls in public. I haven't done this and I know it will be an issue. Beautifully written. Thank you. x
Dr Odalor you are truely the best She actually was shy at first but kept gazing at me from across the café. She finally came over and confessed that she was so attracted to me, she couldn’t help it and managed the courage to asked me out. Is this love spell a dream? you have done it. Please just don’t let her find out about your love spell.you too could reach the doctor on templeofodalor@gmail.com Thank you so much! Cleo
i like your stroy but i have a question i have a boyfriend but i am kinda in to his sister so what should i do?
fantastic read and SO true! I GET Bi !
EXCELLENT Article!!! I am exactly the same as the author of this article, my sexuality is just the same - including the fact that I don't find many people attractive in either genders. I think this is due to the fact that I fancy both masculine and feminine traits, but only when they are blended together! So I wouldn't fancy a typical man OR a typical woman, but I DO fancy people of both genders who combine those genders in certain ways... ;-)
Words cannot even begin to describe how my uncertainty about my sexuality has plagued me. The article was fantastic and I could identify so much With it. I truly feel that whilst I may lean towards men more (I'm a man), my sexual attractions are linked to how I feel about a person. So as other posters have noted, I also tend to be more attracted to 'personalities' over a specific gender. I have walked a very long path with my best male friend who I love very deeply and am hugely attracted to. He has been very supportive but is a babe-magnet of note. We had a sexual experience after a drunken night about three years ago but he has indicated he doesn't want it to be repeated again. This was painfully brought home last night ironically enough yet again, hence me searching the net for people's experiences and me discovering this article today. If we were together I'd be quite prepared to tell the world I'm bisexual but am with THIS person now. But as I am single and walking this journey on my own, I am not comfortable sharing my sexuality with people. Sure most of my friends and family assume I'm gay because I've been single for so long and am not a shining example of masculinity (I'm not too into sports for example). I feel like I know who I am and am very motivated to self-actualize in my personality and am very often told I'm extremely insightful and a very good communicator. Thus, sitting on the fence, as it were, with something as personal but also self-defining as my sexuality is painfully hard. There's a reason I drink so much because I dont know how to cope with this issue, despite my therapist's and supportive friends' best intentions. I feel like if I make a choice about being straight or gay, I am forcing a label onto myself and society has expectations from then: "you've gone down a road from which you cannot now return" and you are viewed in a certain light from then on. Its no wonder I read endlessly on people's sexual experiences! I find it disturbing how narrow-minded society is. And its frustrating that because some of my friends are not entirely certain about my sexuality, I'm almost treated like a shiny toy that one pokes and prods subtly at to see what reaction you can get out of it. For people who don't feel that they fall under the umbrella of being bisexual, hear me out when I say you cannot imagine the pain, confusion and frustration that comes with wanting to be truthful to yourself yet please society and its desire to provide labels to people. Okay so after that ramble, the only thing I really can say lastly is that I desperately wish my male friend I referred to earlier would undergo some sort of change and consider trying a relationship with me. My happiness would be equated to that of an eagle soaring above the Himalayas! Man or woman, I love HIM and, as the writer expressed, am too starry-eyed for my own good. I don't know, perhaps I just love too much and am unable to move on. I am monogamous to a fault. I guess what I'm trying to say is that struggling with feelings of bisexuality is difficult enough, and that's not even approaching the issue of coming out and other people's reactions. Hope other readers see my views and can identify? Thank you for an awesome article by the way.
Thank you for such a well-written and honest piece. I relate to SO much of that. I only came out as bisexual last year (at the tender age of 46!) It has been tremendously liberating at work, and strangely has brought me much closer to both male and female colleagues (though that was never my intention.)I have been married twice, am very attracted to women and am currently in a relationship with a woman, but have had myriad gay relationships too, and cannot rule that out at some juncture. If I were to say that I was gay, I would feel dishonest; if I said I was straight, I would feel uncomfortable. Thank you again for a beautiful and entertaining article. M
Thank you for writing directly from the heart (it couldn't have been easy) after 20 years of me identifying as 100% gay, I recently had a very fulfilling sexual experience with a female friend. I have suddenly realised that labels are for produce, and that humans have a more fluid existance. I seriously respect you and your honesty! Thank you again! ;) x
The b-word has confused me all the time. Wven though I believe this can't define who I am, I still confused about wheter I was or was not in denial. Being a bisexuality is totally not fun.Thank you for saying aloud all this.
Great article. It's really hard to express the conflicting feelings that come along with being bisexual. You really nailed it. Thank you!
So refreshing to hear a positive bisexual voice. I don't know any other bisexual/pansexual people and it's a relief to hear someone else going through the same thing. I'm delighted you have found someone special. I'm 36, still single, and I think it's a biphobia of sorts from straight and gay people alike that contributes to the difficulty. But thank you.
Excellent piece, and to those who are trying to compare coming out as bisexual to coming out as lesbian or gay and saying one is harder than the other, why are we playing one-upmanship? Everyone's experience is different. Being bisexual IS a very distinct challenge, because we get it from both sides - the straight community AND the gay community attack us. Usually, the most vitriolic, hateful words come from lesbians, not straights, and it's hurtful that other women would be so vicious. I have had a grand total of 2 sexual relationships, one a 13 year marriage to a man and now I am partnered with a woman. I'm not indecisive, greedy, slutty, attention seeking, etc - all the stereotypes poured on those who are bi. I'm simply me, and I fell in love, and the gender of the persons I fell for is really not the point. Still, I have to deal with my ex claiming he "ruined me for other men", with straight men I don't know assuming my sexuality is for their vicarious benefit, with lesbians treating me as if I am filthy or a traitor - the list goes on. However, at the end of the day, being a bisexual IS fun. I can accept myself for who I am, joke equally about the hotness quotient of both Kate McKinnon and David Tennant, and relax knowing it's not the parts, but the person who is important.
I'm a closet bisexual guy. I don't even like calling myself bisexual, much for the same reasons, but I know I'm not 100% straight because I've found women and men attractive (and some trans folks, is it still bi at that point or is there another prefix?). It's scary for me. My family is Christian and Hispanic (meaning serious homophobes). Plus, where I live, it isn't just biphobia and stereotyping, but in some cases there are also double standards. For instance, it's fine if a woman is bi but if a guy is bi he's simply desperate for sex. Which is why I'm scared to come out because I'm certain the first thing I would be accused of is desperation given that I'm a 19yo virgin who's never been in a relationship (but is by NO means desperate). Whether or not I'll end up coming out is something only time will tell. I'm sure I will; the real matter will be to whom? One thing is certain: reading this article has lifted my spirits some. It's nice to know I'm not in this alone. I can only hope that I will find peace in a lasting relationship much like you did.
My first husband was truly bisexual, and this was agonizing for him throughout his life. Although we eventually separated,we stayed very close friends as we grew older. Somehow he was never able to find the one or the other that could be a soul mate. He committed suicide five years ago. Things have progressed in the last forty years to the point that labels SHOULD not mean so much. If you can find a partner that you love and can be a friend as well, I don't think it should matter.
I'm straight. and i find that weird. no - really. i'm the ONLY straight woman in my family under the age of 60 [and hell, some comments dropped, i might be the only straight woman in my family PERIOD]. i grew up reading authors who tended to portray EVERYONE as Bi, to one degree or another; being exclusively hetero or homosexual should [according to the authors i read] be what's considered "odd". as much as i try and wrap my head around anyone CARING whether someone is gay, bi, straight or other [aside from, you know, people who want to date specific individuals who happen to be of an orientation that precludes it] i can't. let alone get why being bi should be a problem. why are these issues, again? just love people. i know i'm too old to be this naive, but really - it's not any of my BUSINESS who people - who aren't me - engage in anything with. dating or sex or marriage, unless i'm part of it, why should i care? i want to live in a world where everyone thinks the way i do [i mean, everyone does. but most of the people i know would agree; thinking "not my business i don't care" would be best, na da?] and we need more articles like this, more people being open - and less judgmental people! - so that, some day, we can HAVE that world
Bisexuality is the only sexuality where it seems to be acceptable for someone to ask you to "Prove it". To perform a itinerary of your sexual past to validate your orientation. Its the only sexuality where you can be in a happy relationship and therefore find it easier to identify with being either straight or gay. People don't want to hear it. If I say I'm bi (and I came out to my mother as bisexual at the age of nine) people respond with "but you have a Boyfriend". It is unbelievably frustrating. Even my own mother, who is very active in the gay community, said that it doesn't really matter that I'm bi, because I have a boyfriend. As they say, haters gonna hate. Small minded people are going to be prejudice against bi's, gays, trans etc. But with bisexuality you can be dismissed by even so called "open minded" people. Because yes, people use bi-ville as a stop on the way to gay-town, and yes people who snog a member of the same sex suddenly claim bisexuality. But that doesn't mean there isn't genuine bisexual people, who are bisexual whether they are in a same sex and opposite sex relationship.
My personal philosophy that led me to understand myself as a bisexual was that, "love is genderless". I am very committed to find that "person" that we would be together for our lifetime and would care less about what gender they are, that is what I strive for. So I get very offended with the idea people label bisexuals as 'sluts' or 'indecisive'. Luckily enough, no one has associated that with me yet since my friends can see how committed I was with my previous and current relationship.
I'm not sure I agree with all the comments here or the article itself. I'm a 44 year old married bisexual woman with 2 grown sons. The only people that know I'm bi is my husband (who is totally supportive) and the women I'm with. Most of them are married as well. I've never had the inner demons about this that some of the posters mention above. I have a happy life, I meet women once a month for sex and that's about it. Life couldn't be better. It's what you yourself make out of it. You have to be in control of yourself.
thank you so much for this. i am in a very similar position as you were in high school and just reading this article has helped me accept the term bisexual a little more.
Awe, this was a really nice article. I think this is going to help a TON of people come to terms with their sexuality. :)
Super honest, well written article. I have always felt the same. Everyone wants to label you as one or the other
Excellent article, I have the unfortunate of being a 20 year old bi-curious and extremely shy girl, this made me smile and its good to know that there are people with similar problems to me.
Brilliant article, and impressively honest. I'm a straight bloke but I lived with a Bi girl in my second year of uni and I realised quite early on that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
my first and best sexual experiences were with another female, and it took me forever to come to terms with being straight. albeit a straight girl who is better at pleasuring a lady than most guys.
GREAT READ
This was a fantastic read, thank you so much for providing such a detailed article.
Thank you so much for this. It's amazing how closely this mirrors everything I feel, in a way. I'm male and bi, in my early 20's and I think confusion about that has kept me away from pretty much any sexual relationships. Probably the sheer fear of committing to anything serious before figuring out what I 'am', labels and all. I feel pretty ready now to come out to my closest friends though, and articles like this really help me to make sense of it. Fingers crossed.
Life can be very displeasing especially when we loose the ones we love and cherish so much. in this kind of situation where one loses his/her soul mate there are several dangers engage in it. one may no longer be able to do the things he was doing before then success will be very scarce and happiness will be rare. that person was created to be with you for without him things may fall apart. That was my experience late last year. but thank god today i am happy with him again. all thanks to DR AKPAKPA, i was nearly loosing hope until i saw an article on how DR AKPAKPA could cast a love spell to make lovers come back. There is no harm in trying, i said to my self. i contacted him via email: afiamensolutionshrine@yahoo.com. words will not be enough to appreciate what he has done for me. i have promised to share the good news as long as i live. BESTY ADAMS
SABOTAGE
