Blendr: The Dry Humping App That Won't Get You Laid

For months people have been hankering for a straight version of Grindr that lets you meet up for sex at the drop of a GPS arrow. So why is Blendr less about promiscuous no frills sex and more about sodding relationships?
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For months people have been hankering for a straight version of Grindr that lets you meet up for sex at the drop of a GPS arrow. So why is Blendr less about promiscuous no frills sex and more about sodding relationships?

If you’re straight, and you have gay friends, then it’s very likely that you will have gone “Ooh, what’s that?” at Grindr, the location app which lets men find other men with whom to engage in all manner of sexual activity at the drop of a GPS arrow.

According to The Guardian, Grindr boss Joel Simkhai was relentlessly badgered by women who wanted to a similar app to find straight men. I’m amazed that nobody had set up something like this before, especially considering the amount of magazine space filled by men complaining women never want sex and vice versa, but this week, Simkhai totally ignored the clamour of the sex-hungry and launched Blendr, the straight version for straight people.

It’s oh-so incredibly straight. Think about that name for a moment. You’re not going to have many urgent fumblings up against lamp posts with something that sounds like a John Lewis wedding list. Simkhai says he decided to make an app that’s more about meeting people than just hooking up for sex, presumably anticipating a huge drought in online dating websites.

When you’re a teenager, you are warned not to confuse sex with intimacy. In this instance, Blendr (How many blades does it have? Will it make me brownies?) confuses the desire to have sex with the desire to have a relationship. All those people clamouring for a straight Grindr knew exactly what they were asking for, so it’s odd that, rather than fill a gap currently occupied only by Craigslist and online porn ads, Simkhai went down the very well-trodden dating path.

Ironically Blendr, you and your ridiculous name have just fucked us all.

What’s wrong with acknowledging that sometimes people would rather connect with people below the waist than mind-to-mind?

Apparently straight people don’t want, or need, an app that will link them up with people who just want to have sex. We must have conversation. We must list all our hobbies and the things we have in common, little of which has much bearing on sexual compatibility in any case.

The myth of bonding through common interests works for friends, but not always for other halves, and certainly not for lovers. In the same way that having a shared passion for artisan bread, Hackney and the lyrics of obscure 1930s vaudeville artists doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll have a great relationship, nor does it mean that you’ll have amazing sex. Why straight people couldn’t also have an app that lets them post a picture, basic description, their location and roll the dice is beyond me.

There are enough websites dedicated to extra-marital affairs to show that sex is pretty high on the heterosexual agenda. At my university night club (career highlight: being voted the second worst club in Europe) I first encountered the phenomenon known as 10 to 2 syndrome, where people start circling around each other in a dance called Get Laid, or Face Your Hangover Alone. I imagine in major cities it’s expanded to become 10 to 4 syndrome, or Whenever The Night Buses Stop Running. Danger? Well, meeting someone in a bar isn’t going to prevent you ending the week in hospital any more than meeting someone through an app.

Straight dating is confusing enough for most people with infinite delicacy tangos to dance. “They like me.” “They’re ignoring me. Does this mean they fancy me, but want me to chat them up in case they think I think they’re slutty?” And now the poor sods with the app are going to have to navigate an additional dance of “They do know what this app is based on, yes? Do they want to have sex with me, or are they just genuinely interested in minimalist trance?”

Ironically Blendr, you and your ridiculous name have just fucked us all.

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