Cause and Effect: A Karmic Look at Life

Ever suffered as a result of something you did months earlier? Me too, from getting my head kicked in to being chased with a knife...
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Ever suffered as a result of something you did months earlier? Me too, from getting my head kicked in to being chased with a knife...

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Thankfully, there is never an immediate effect to any one causal event. I mean you never slag someone off behind their back only to have them instantaneously knock on your door with a witty retort do you? Or, you don't nick a chip when your mate is not looking and your hot tasty saveloy immediately disappears does it?

Cause and effect takes time, sometimes, a lot of bloody time. You may have forgotten your indiscretion, or the sweets and the World cup willy badge you nicked from Woolworths when you was a nipper. But...It comes back to haunt you when you least expect it. You will think by then, "Why me?" when the universal retribution rule kicks into gear, that's because you forgot the deed that is now causing your "Why me?" moment. But think back, maybe you have to think way back, and you will know why.

I have delved deep into my sack of misdeeds from my past and married them with the effects. What worries me is that I have about five sacks of dodgy misdemeanours and have only felt the effects of about a sack load... Time eh? Ain't it a bitch...

Cause: I drove too fast. A fight was going on in the cab and I wanted them out quick. A speed camera flashed me and I got a ticket in the post. I was offered instead of penalty points, a driving safety course for the day.

Effect: I had a brilliant day at a golf course, big fry up breakfast, shown a couple of videos, big lunch, then a two hour driving lesson in a feckin' fast white Japanese something or other. I would have paid twice as much for one of them red letter wotsits you get in Argos.

I'm hoping this is the end of the effects of my causal misgivings and lack of foresight in the past. If not, I'm still in big trouble

Cause: When I was a single bon viveur and a cheeky chancing fucker, I was having an emergency snog and a fiddle with a lovely willing milf in the cab.

Effect: Weeks later, I picked up a distraught man who wanted me to follow his wife with him in the cab. We waited outside the pub and after 20 minutes his wife came out for a cigarette and a smooch with a man. It was the willing harlot I was with weeks earlier, he angrily jumped out to confront them. I buggered off pretty sharpish,  I didn't get paid and serves me right. I made all the willing strumpets I met thereafter fill in a questionnaire after that...

Cause: I drove by when a young lad was being beaten by a couple of scrag ends, I didn't stop, too busy.

Effect: A month later I was beaten and robbed, a police car drove by as this was happening, they didn't stop, too busy...

Cause: I knocked on a door to get my money from a muppet that had just been sick in my cab and ran indoors without paying me.  He chased me down the road with a large kitchen knife. I didn't know I could jump over hedges.

Effect: The thug that tried to slice me into more manageable pieces was arrested and dragged out of his house naked and bound by armed police. Months later, the next door neighbour who witnessed the attempt to put a knife in my back, recalled the whole thing to me as, "a right old laugh." After I explained that I WAS the cab driver being slashed at, I asked her why didn't she answer the door when the police were looking for witnesses that night? She went silent, paid me and got out...

I'm hoping this is the end of the effects of my causal misgivings and lack of foresight in the past. If not, I'm still in big trouble. I have learnt time has so much of it on it's hands, and it will probably get around to me in due course. I think about what I do and the consequences of my actions all of the time now. But sometimes, metaphorically speaking, knocking on doors and running away is still a lot of fun isn't it...

At the time of writing, some little git has tea-leafed me Kitkat from the cab, That'll teach me to nick a box of them from a newsagents van in 1969 won't it? I'm a bit worried now though, I've just remembered I crashed a milk float into a funeral directors window and stole a coffin in '74...Shit! I forgot about the milk float...explains why they don't deliver milk around my way and there's no moo juice in the fridge. Bollox! Black tea again...

Don't get me started on the other sacks...One of them has got the posing naked for a gay magazine incident in it...

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