Welcome To Hell: Celebrity Night Clubs

You've read about these glitzy wank holes with over-priced drinks and gawkers by the doors in the tabloids but what are they actually like?
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You've read about these glitzy wank holes with over-priced drinks and gawkers by the doors in the tabloids but what are they actually like?

Celebrity night clubs, no not clubs made by celebrities – although that would be pretty cool - just the clubs that celebs go too. They’re just like normal clubs but um, better, or so they’d like you to think. See I’m a little bit too fickle to believe all that "This is the most amazing club in the world come and swim in a pool full of diamonds" rubbish so like a one woman partying machine I decided to single-handedly test them all out just for you.

Firstly some simple rules for London's West-End night life: You will need change which you will end up spending on (over-priced) perfume, a pound a spritz I’ll have you know. Secondly don’t go with ugly friends, this isn’t cruel it’s just practical, if you turn up with Two Tonne Martha you will be out of the door before she's even squeezed through it.

You should be prepared to spend at least £6,000,000,000. We’re not even sure what that number is it’s so big but it’s probably close to what you might have to fork out, this cost is, however, easily avoidable if you drink a couple of bottles of Lambrini, usually reasonably priced at about £1.98 from your local corner shop, before you head out.

Whisky Mist

Who goes? Paris Hilton, Prince Harry, Aaron Lennon, The Saturdays, George Clooney.

How much? £20 a head, bottles of spirits start, that’s right start, at £170 so you better get saving or just, you know, pretend to be drunk.

Where? 35 Hereford Street, Mayfair, W1J 7SD, just below the Hilton darling (people actually say darling in there so you should get practising, darling).

What’s it like? Whisky Mist is well, very misty, see for some reason you think when you go there that the name will just be a gimmick but no, it’s not. A trip to Whisky Mist is like trying to wade your way though a forest fire with no goggles unless you count beer goggles, which of course we don’t.

Jalouse

Who goes? Pussycat Dolls, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jenson Button, The X Factor even had their wrap party there, I know exciting stuff...not.

How much? £20 entry, £14 for a Vodka and Coke, £1 for a Chupa Chups lolly in the toilet (bargain but you don’t want to be seen eating).

Where? 17 Hanover Square, Mayfair, W1S 1HU Surrounded by much cheaper drinking establishments for securing your fill for a fiver beforehand.

What’s it like? If you do not enjoy being made to feel fat then you probably will not enjoy going to Jalouse, the girls in this club look like they have eaten about half a meal between them in the whole of 2010. It does mean however that you can play a brilliant game called “Which model would break first?” where you spend the evening predicting whose legs look potentially the most snappable.

"You should be prepared to spend at least £6,000,000,000, but this is easily avoidable if you drink a couple of bottles of Lambrini, priced at about £1.98 from your local corner shop, before you head out."

China White

Who goes? Iyaz, Agros Santos, Louie Spence, Prince, Calum Best.

How much? £20 – Can you see a theme here? You can get a beer for £4.50 but you don’t want to be seen drinking it, that’s just not aux fait sweetie.

Where? 4 Winsley Street, London, W1W 8HF There’s nothing to say about this street it’s just not that exciting it’s just like a normal street, quite um, streety.

What’s it like? The interior of China White looks very much like what would happen if Laurence Llewelyn Bowen decided to vomit all over a club. The faux bamboo, the pebbles water feature that doubles as a basin the toilets, even the clientele are perma-tanned and wearing all manner of sick inducing clobber, they’ve got more weave than a weave shop and that’s a lot of weave.

Club Cuckoo

Who goes? Lindsay Lohan (possibly before the whole Scram tag thing), Eva Longoria, Jerry Hall, Caprice, Duncan James.

How much? £20 entry and £8 for a spirit mixer which is by West End standards positively cheap, I could afford at least 1 and a half.

Where? Swallow Street, London, W1B 4EZ it’s quite near the Ritz and who doesn’t love the Ritz - looking at it of course I’m too poor to actually go in there.

What’s it like? In the upstairs of Cuckoo you are forced to dance basically in the walk ways pushed up against the other beautiful people like a proverbial cattle market. Downstairs and it’s like Henley Royal Regatta on heat, all bowties and bowler hats, ok, maybe that’s a slight exaggeration but I wouldn’t be surprised. Some nights they even have croquet in there – to find out if this is true or not you’re just going to have to go (it’s not true).

Merah

Who goes? Will.I.Am, Alicia Keys, Justin Timberlake, Rihanna, Jay Z, Pixie Lott

How much? £20 to get in, this club is notoriously difficult to get into especially if you are on the ugly side of ugly.

Where? 78 Wells Street, London, W1T 3QL Random fact this used to be Crystal, well not really that random but definitely a fact.

What’s it like? We wouldn’t be surprised if the people in here actually vomited money and beauty. Be careful not to have your head burnt off as the sparkler adorned bottles of champers are carried past by the not nearly as attractive as the clientele bar staff. You can dance on the chairs like little children but be aware that only special people are allowed to dance on the tables I’m not sure who these people are but I’m not one of them, you’re probably not either.

"The girls look like they've eaten half a meal between them in the whole of 2010. It does mean you can play a game called “Which model would break first?” and predict whose legs look potentially the most snappable."

Movida

Who goes? Kelly Rowland, Kate Moss, Jessica Lowndes, Katie Price.

How much? £20 will get you in the door £500 minimum spend on tables so maybe best to flirt your way into the pockets of some of rich men who frequent this place.

Where? 8-9 Argyll Street, London, W1F 7TF The only plus side is that it is amazingly close to Oxford Street so you don’t have to walk too far in the 6 inch heels you’ve had to wear to get in.

What’s it like? It’s a well known fact that all West End clubs smell of incense, ok, so maybe it’s not well known but that doesn’t change the fact that they do and Movida is by far the worst culprit, just two minutes in this over-sized tarts boudoir and you’ll end up smelling like you’ve just had a tussle with a Brixton market stall holder. And, because it’s underground there’s no signal so even if you do spot a celeb you won’t be able to tell anyone kind of defeating the object of going there in the first place.

Maya

Who goes? Sienna Miller, Florence Welch, Johnny Borrell.

How much? £20 – it’s just standard you know. Around £8 for a (small) glass of wine which will taste like nail varnish remover who doesn’t love that.

Where? 1a Dean Street, Soho, W1D 3RB Soho is kind of like a rabbit run of central London so you almost feel like you deserve a prize if you manage to find this place.

What’s it like? Maya describes itself as being like St.Tropez but in reality it’s actually like a tiny little square box, a cardboard box to be precise, about as big as my living room, possibly smaller, which is funny because obviously St.Tropez is not a small cardboard box . It’s also far too light in there, there’s no hiding the fact that you’ve thrown your vino half way down your dress, or that the corner of you false eyelash coming off, it’s like dancing in broad daylight which in this hot heat, with half your make up melted down your face, is never going to be a good look.

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