They both scare the hell out of us but which terrifying children’s toy has the edge? Let the arguments begin to decide which one freaks us out the most…
Clowns are more scary
By Andy Dawson
How can anyone possibly believe that dolls are scary? They’re JUST DOLLS. Inanimate objects, fashioned for the amusement of children and physically incapable of ever inflicting any harm on anyone – unless one accidentally falls off a high shelf and causes a very minor head injury.
Then there’s clowns… on the surface, their purpose is to entertain and light up the faces of adults and children alike. Look at them a little closer though and you’ll see that they’re a gang of legalised psychopaths – existing with the sole aim of warping the minds of the very young before controlling their souls as their young victims stumble through a fear-filled ‘life’. Millions of poor sods live their lives with an abject fear of clowns and if you think about it, it’s an easy fear to acquire. Experience your first clown when you’re too young and if you’re ill-prepared for it, you can be mentally scarred for life.
What is he hiding from? How intense is his pain? Apart from the honking horn, is he armed? Will we all get out of this circus alive?
Imagine being two years old and suddenly encountering a clown when you’ve never seen one in the flesh before. Imagine the horror as that garishly made-up chalk-white face, topped off by a ginger wig, leers at you as you cower in the front row of a cheap circus or at a toddler’s birthday bash.
The traditional appearance of the clown is a visual battering. Witness the fake, painted smile, designed to amuse but in truth masking sadness and darkness. The red nose – easily detachable as if to say "my nose comes off and your nose will come off as well." The massive hands, with NO FINGERPRINTS – ideal for strangling kids and hastily digging shallow graves. The oversized feet that say "I can run faster than you, and when I catch you, I will stamp on you until you are nothing." It’s a menu of disaster.
Witness the fake, painted smile, designed to amuse but in truth masking sadness and darkness. The red nose – easily detachable as if to say "my nose comes off and your nose will come off as well."
With clowns, the threat comes in two parts. Not only do they look like murderous agents of some kind of comedy Satan, there’s also the psychological factor to take into account. Underneath that make-up is a man (it’s almost always a man – think about THAT). Who is that man? What trouble has he known that has caused him to hide away who he really is and transform himself into some garish, overblown figure of ‘fun’? What is he hiding from? How intense is his pain? Apart from the honking horn, is he armed? Will we all get out of this circus alive?
They say that clowns are crying on the inside. They’re not – they’re actually screaming, distorted by pain, frustration and anger. Sure, it’s funny when smoke comes out of the comedy car and its doors fall off, but while we’re laughing, the clown is seeing a metaphor for his life – and he wants the rest of us to suffer as well. He will turn and he will kill us all.
Sure, dolls can be a little bit creepy sometimes, but scary? Compared to clowns? No way. After all, there’s no chance of a doll chasing you, murdering you and wearing your skin in its darkened attic is there? A clown will though. ALL clowns will.
Dolls are more scary
By Lucy Sweet
If you’re weak and stupid enough to be scared of clowns then you need to seek immediate psychiatric help. Clowns are figures of fun, bringers of jollity, providers of mirth, laughter and actual good times. There is no logical reason to fear the common clown. It’s almost all about the eyes. They’re piercing, unblinking, seemingly devoid of any emotion at all. Clowns are essentially ordinary human beings who are only playing a role – we’re all comforted by the knowledge that, at the end of the day, they’ll wash off their make up, put the big shoes under the stairs and hang up the curly wig before opening a can and watching Masterchef – just like the rest of us.
On the other hand… on the other TINY, LIFELESS HAND, dolls are terrifying inanimate objects. Objects that might not really be just objects. They’re not actual humans but they’re designed to look as if they are. Can we ever be sure that they won’t stir from their slumber and come to life? And if they do, can we be certain that they have no malicious intent? I think not. In fact, I know not. There’s so much about dolls for us to be petrified of. Think about one of those cute little plastic child ones – the rosy cheeks, the tightly curled hair, the angelic expression and those wretched eyes. Following you around the room, watching and plotting. Like some kind of undead, embalmed child with a revenge mission in mind. It’s almost all about the eyes. They’re piercing, unblinking, seemingly devoid of any emotion at all, but you’ll find yourself compelled to continually glance across at them, just to make sure that they haven’t changed their expression. You’ve got no way of knowing that they’re not scowling at you behind your back, or worse still, slowly but threateningly drawing their little plastic index fingers across their throats.
Think about one of those cute little plastic child ones – the rosy cheeks, the tightly curled hair, the angelic expression and those wretched eyes. Following you around the room, watching and plotting.
Sit alone in a room filled with dolls for more than two hours and you’ll undoubtedly go half-mad with fear and paranoia. Worse still, when the mechanism that holds those eyes in place breaks, and the eyeballs roll up into their evil heads, stuck there for ever more… that, people, is scarier than that dream you had where you turned your taps on and thousands of tiny, snarling snakes spilled out into your bath. It’s the not knowing that will drive you to insanity. Dolls aren’t supposed to move yet the Toy Story movies have categorically proved that they can and they will. What’s more, the antics of malevolent little gits like Big Baby in Toy Story 3 shows that they’re capable of cruel and unusual punishment. And don’t get us started on Chucky from the Child’s Play movies… stealer of millions of hours of contented sleep from an entire generation. So don’t come round here with your nonsense about clowns being scary. They’re all about collapsing cars, honking trumpets and the exciting pop of bursting glitter-filled balloons. Dolls will come alive in the night and eat your sleeping face off. They will. They DEFINITELY will.
Now it’s your turn. Vote for either dolls or clowns and tell us what you think…
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