It’s going to be a right old Cockney knees-up down at the Marky (ie. Marky Mark – Olympic Park) this summer. Athletes from all over the space (space probe – globe) will be gathering to see who is the Fred (Fred West – best), all in the glare of the world’s Wiki (Wikipedia – media)

But beware! The East End of London is home to some right dodgy fridges (fridge freezers – geezers) who speak their own bizarre language and prey on anyone who isn’t “famlee”. So make sure you’ve got a Bill (Bill and Ted – A to Z) or you might find yourself David (David Frost – lost) and on the end of a Charlie (Charlie Dickens – kicking).

For the benefit of visitors from out of town, here are some common Cockney phrases that might help you get through The Sid in one John (John Cleese – piece)

1. If you hear a local Eastender remark “They took his brake off him after he failed his pants” this does not mean the AA man had a nasty trouser-related accident. It actually translates as “They took his brake pedal (medal) off him because he failed his pants and vest (drug test)”. Get the idea?

If you hear a local Eastender remark “They took his brake off him after he failed his pants” this does not mean the AA man had a nasty trouser-related accident

2.  “Massive Steve on the A1 held me up so I was late for the Les”. Although this sounds like the result of a highwayman interfering with the speaker’s nefarious sexual antics, it does in fact mean “Massive Steve Cram (traffic jam) on the A1 held me up, so I was late for the Les Dennis (Table Tennis)”. Obvious, really.

3. “I was on the way to the pancake with my lemony in my pocket, when there was a crepe” Coming from Heston Blumenthal, this sentence might seem vaguely normal. But on the tongue of an East End fridge it actually means “I was on the way to the pancake batter (royal regatta) with my lemony snicket (ticket) in my pocket, when there was a Crepe Suzette (bomb threat). Piece of piss.

4. “I had Posh right after a poker, says GB machine”. If you read this headline in a local Cockney rag it might raise an eyebrow. Thankfully, it simply means “I had Posh and Becks (sex) after a poker face (race), says GB machine gunner (runner). All makes sense now doesn’t it? I hope so.

5. And finally, if you overhear a Cockney say “I’ve just seen Coe and Boris on my telly acting like a couple of tossers in front of the Queen” er… that’s not slang.

Click here for more articles on Life in Sabotage Times

Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Twitter

Click here to follow Sabotage Times on Facebook