Confessions of a Cab Driver, Part Six: I Have Agreed To Do Bad Things…

Murder, theft, and debt collection are all part of "The Knowledge" for this Cab Driving Goodfella.
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Murder, theft, and debt collection are all part of "The Knowledge" for this Cab Driving Goodfella.

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From murder to theft. Cattle rustling to debt collection. I've been asked for my help to do it.  I hope there isn't a "Bad things I've agreed to list." at the pearly gates held by a clip board tapping angelic jobs worth, if so I'm completely bolloxed.  I've agreed to do bad things and some were very bad things indeed...

I've agreed to...Go back and kill everyone in the pub he has been kicked out of for him. He would, but his hand feels broken where he punched a wall and he has football in the morning.

I've agreed to...Run over a cyclist on the way back after I have dropped him and his girlfriend off because the cyclist looked like a "Poof." Got paid an extra fiver to do it too.

I've agreed to...Come back later and help him kill his next door neighbours dog. He has a spare machete I could use.

I've agreed to...Fulfilling her rape fantasy, she will leave her door open and I'm to creep in after my shift and rape her, "Any time I want."

I've agreed to...Drive to a field, be met by two men who were to give me something.  I am to take this to another address. The "Something" when I got there was two struggling sheep held down by four idiots.

I've agreed to...After I drop my customer off, go back to where we saw a dead deer, "Gut it first to keep the meat fresh."  Haul the dead 3/4 ton deer stag into the boot of my cab on my own, leave it overnight hanging out of the boot parked outside my house. Take it to a butcher he knows, get the cash then drive back to his house, give him the money. He will then give me "A couple of bob for my trouble." Yes, he was that stupid.

I've agreed to...Fulfilling her rape fantasy, she will leave her door open and I'm to creep in after my shift and rape her, "Any time I want."

I've agreed to...Being shouted at outside his house so his wife could hear because he was three hours late home after fiddling with a floozy. He made me rehearse the dialogue as I drove him home, he was to shout about how late I was picking him up and I was a robbing bastard and he wasn't paying me. This actually happened without a hitch, word for word...except the bit where he hit me while his wife watched at the door in her dressing gown and slippers.  That bit wasn't in the rehearsal and was a complete surprise, he did whisper sorry though. He prepaid me a tenner for that slap.

I've agreed to...Drive to a business address and simply ask "Is the cheque ready" after what seems like a panic stricken few minutes with everybody quietly running about, a cheque is thrust into my hand, I then return it back to the person that hired me.  I later find out that this company uses cab drivers and couriers to get companies to pay up, they tell them they are sending the boys around. The reason it works is simple, the driver is normally so calm and polite when asking for the money he often has no idea he IS the "Menacing" boy that has been sent around.

There you have it, Cab drivers are often asked to do “Things” by the stupid AND the clever. Thing is, sometimes the stupid are clever and visa versa.  What is this potential killing, raping and thievery worth? Nothing. On the meter.  Base money.  The cheapest option that is available to idiots to access a man and a vehicle for however long they want.

We all know if a person wants to seriously kill people and their neighbours dog and asks a complete stranger to help. THEN provides a spare machete to do it, they obviously need psychiatric assistance.  If you Are an idiot and think Taxi drivers will do anything as long as its on the meter, we would be the cheapest assassins on the planet and you would already have a calibre sized hole in your head...

Apart from the debt collection and being slapped and shouted at, I didn't do any of the other things mentioned above. Obv.  Scarily, they were very sincere in their offers.  Trying to get a cab driver to do dodgy shenanigans for the minimum fare just highlights the level of IQ these idiots have and the small disposable income they have available, which equates to roughly my £2.50 minimum and 10p per hundred metres. Cheap ain't I?

Why agree at all? Just tell them an affirmative no! Right? I agree to this inanity to get them out of my cab quicker, easier than having a rambling often drunk and aggressive dickhead explaining his master plan to me for twenty long, mind numbing and oxygen depleting minutes.

So, St peter, I didn’t ACTUALLY do any of the very BAD things above, can you remember that when I turn up at the pearlies? The thing with the stolen milk float and the coffin we can discuss. Obv.

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