Diana in Heaven - Exclusive Book Extract

She might have been dead for more than 13 years, but Princess Diana is still the Queen Of Hearts and she’s refusing to go away, keeping us in touch with the goings-on in the VIP section of Heaven via her Twitter account.
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She might have been dead for more than 13 years, but Princess Diana is still the Queen Of Hearts and she’s refusing to go away, keeping us in touch with the goings-on in the VIP section of Heaven via her Twitter account.

March 1st 2010

The world’s oldest woman is in here for some fucked-up reason that I can’t quite fathom out. I can’t even be bothered to find out her name – I’m just referring to her as ‘Oldest Woman’. How is she a VIP exactly? Just because she hung on in there for longer than everyone else? Disgusting.

Anyway, she’s bricking it at the moment because there’s another old woman down on Earth who’s just nine months short of her record. If she breaks the record, Oldest Woman will get shunted back over to the Normals section, with its concrete benches and jukeboxes that only have seven-inch singles on them instead of whole albums.

March 2nd 2010

Enid Blyton’s been wandering around with a big dopey smile on her face today. I asked her what was up and the filthy cow replied, “What’s up? Dunno Di, but I had that Michael Elphick up ME most of last night. Gave me a right proper seeing-to he did and no mistake. I tell you, Di, he’s got me walking round like I’m John Wayne.”

March 29th 2010

It was ‘Sex Change Monday’ up here again today. Richard Whiteley came into his own, running around and clutching his tits while shouting “Look at the bangers on me Momma!” Mind you, I don’t think any of us really needed to see Anna Nicole Smith curled up in a sandpit, trying (and failing) to lick her own balls.

Having said that, I’ll tell you who looks AMAZING in a PVC boob tube and ‘fuck me’ heels – Ian Curtis.

April 16th 2010

Major power cut here earlier. Not naming any names but word is that someone didn’t pay the bill. The Big Man ended up on top of the highest mountain we’ve got with his gob open and a huge beam of light streaming out of it until it all got sorted out.

April 17th 2010

That lot down on Earth are still struggling with the ash cloud. The Big Man kept it all going a bit longer by swirling the ash around again. When he decides to let the planes start up again, TBM says he's going to pluck one out of the sky and bring it up here for a look around. Then he's going to wipe the memories of every passenger (except one) and put it back in the sky again. Hilarious – a total head fuck for the poor bastard who’s stuck with the memory of it all.

Spent the last hour of it trying to hold my piss in while they hauled the tranquilised body of Chi Chi the Giant Panda off of me.

May 1st 2010

JFK's been going around trying to help people with more of his guru bullshit. Earlier, he came up to me, grabbed me by the shoulders. Looked me in the eye and said, “Treat your soul like a network of subways but avoid the ones that reek of piss and cheese.” Wow.

I asked him to elaborate and he told me that I should, “Ask not what you can do as a thing but ask how and why and where that thing is and does and is and what it COULD be and that.” That’s fucking deep that is.

Before he wandered off, he left me to ponder this one: “A man's journey is only truly a journey if it includes indecision, fear and, at some point, a gigantic boner.”

May 10th 2010

Had my community service to do tonight after I spent a night in the cells last week. Cleaning out the VIP animal enclosure. Couldn’t figure out any way of dodging it. Bollocks.

It was the worst night ever. Spent the last hour of it trying to hold my piss in while they hauled the tranquilised body of Chi Chi the Giant Panda off of me.

May 11th 2010

Still picking dried stuff out of my hair after last night. Think it might be Giant Panda ectoplasm. Could that be right?

May 15th 2010

Amazing! Jimi Hendrix just gave me what he called a “lucky badger's foot”! Yootha Joyce was staring daggers at me. Ha - fuck you Yootha - I've got Hendrix's badger foot.

May 16th 2010

Turns out I'm the 44th woman up here to have been given a badger's foot by Hendrix. Apparently he makes them himself out of a stale chicken dipper with a load of his pubes glued all over it.

Things got a bit weird this morning – found Jon Pertwee writhing around on the floor and moaning. Someone said he was trying to regenerate himself into Worzel Gummidge, but he reeked of sherry.

May 28th 2010

Gary Coleman was today’s big new arrival. He’d been here for about five minutes before  he jumped up and took a swing at The Big Man. We're going to have trouble with this one....
Later on TBM shot Coleman in the arse with a tranquiliser dart for his own safety. Not all that unusual – the same thing happened to Bea Arthur when she first got here. Coleman was a bit groggy when he came round but it wasn’t long before he was windmilling his way through anyone who came near him. He's a little fella but he's got oceans of spunk. I think I  like him...

June 10th 2010

Watched the opening ceremony of the World Cup on the telly. Bobby Moore got bored with it and started doing his 'regurgitating jewellery' trick for anyone who would watch.

Diana In Heaven: The Dead Princess Diaries is out on 5th October and can be ordered for £2.99 from www.dianainheaven.com

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