Diana in Heaven – Exclusive Book Extract Part 3: Ripped to the Tits at Live Aid

Another exclusive extract from The Dead Princess Diaries. This time Diana, Queen of our Hearts, recounts the best day of her life- being "properly ripped to the tits" at Live Aid.
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Another exclusive extract from The Dead Princess Diaries. This time Diana, Queen of our Hearts, recounts the best day of her life- being "properly ripped to the tits" at Live Aid.

9th JANUARY 

Perked up a bit today after The Big Man laid on a colourful kaleidoscope storm for us all. It was soundtracked by a new piece that Mozart has been working on – it’s called ‘Sitting On My Finger’. The jury’s out on the music – I suspect he’s not as driven as he used to be now that he’s dead and not concerned with chart positions any more.

In the evening, a few of us gathered round to respond to some of those mediums who sometimes get through to us from Earth. The crappy provincial ones are the best, all tans, teeth and desperate waffle.

One medium got through to me and I pretended to be the dead wife of some old bloke from from Uttoxeter. Told him that I could read his mind, had picked up the thoughts he’d been having about the dog in the evenings and didn’t mind.

1st FEBRUARY
Tottered along to the quadratheatre tonight. It’s dead simple once you get the hang of it. Sort of like a normal theatre except there’s four separate shows all going on at the same time. We have to wear these special all-seeing, all-hearing, all-understanding helmets so we can take everything in as it happens.

Tonight I saw Bernie Winters, Marvin Gaye, a dwarf circus and a musical called ‘Minge’. Hard to decide which was best.

12th MARCH
Oh, just look at poor, poor Steve Irwin. Still hasn’t come to terms with own tragic, freakish demise. Doesn’t set foot out of his pod unless he’s got his vulcanised rubber burka on and trudges around parping on a klaxon and thrashing a tennis racket at anyone and anything that goes near him.

It’s okay Steve, you’re in Heaven mate – no jellyfish can hurt you now. Be still my child.

I had a slurp from a half-full can of Quatro and the rest is a blur. They had to bung me in the back of a Transit van and send me home at 4pm.

18th MARCH
Back on gate duty with Saint Peter again. He wasn’t taking any shit from anyone today. Sent a couple of people down to The Other Place for chewing gum while they were waiting to get in. Shouting, “Burn you pig-ignorant motherfuckers” as they trudged off towards the lift, tears streaming down their faces.

13th APRIL
Went to the gym earlier. Stood for about 40 minutes waiting for Tony Hart to get off the rowing machine. Fucker didn’t even wipe it down afterwards. Going to fart on his headband later when he isn't looking.

3rd MAY
Cos it was such a nice day, I signed one copy of the Candle In The Wind '97 CD single before going down and hiding it in my Memorial Fountain. Whoever finds that one has got a bit of a rarity on their hands. Fo sho.

13th JULY

Fuck me – it’s 25 years since the best day of my entire life – Live Aid. I was properly ripped to the tits that day. It all started going wrong backstage with Status Quo. I had a slurp from a half-full can of Quatro and the rest is a blur. They had to bung me in the back of a Transit van and send me home at 4pm.

I can vividly remember jumping on Phil Collins' back, making an aeroplane noise and yelling "Take me to Philadelphia and fuck me till I faint!” Then later on I pinned Geldof against the wall of a VIP box when he described Go West as "a pair of vapid, soulless, chancing fucks".

Diana In Heaven: The Dead Princess Diaries is out now and can be ordered for £1.39 from www.dianainheaven.com

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