Do Women Really Hate Farting?

Dougie Brimson's new book explores the cloud of issues engulfing flatulence. Here, he explains why women are so repulsed by man's favourite comedy weapon.
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Dougie Brimson's new book explores the cloud of issues engulfing flatulence. Here, he explains why women are so repulsed by man's favourite comedy weapon.

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Before we go any further we should examine just why the two sexes react so differently to flatulence because it is fundamental to pretty much every aspect of this book.

As I have already stated, I love farting and to be honest, so does pretty much every male I know. There is nothing quite like the feeling of brewing up and the satisfaction that can be derived from the simple act of letting one go is frankly, unrivalled.

In fact, given that the vast majority (if not all) of the people reading this book will be male and will be doing so because they too have an appreciation of the anal art form, do I really need to spend time explaining why we love it? After all, you will already know pretty much everything I can ever say or write on the subject if not a great deal more!

Women however, are a different beast entirely and if ever there was a subject which lends weight to the theory that we are indeed from two different planets, it is the subject of farting.

Now this might come as a shock to some but women fart. All of them. Females have exactly the same digestive system as males and create pretty much exactly the same amount of gas. That has to leave the body somehow and it’s certainly not taken away in the dead of night by fairies using Tupperware pots. Therefore it stands to reason that it is ejected in one of only two ways, one of which is fart form. And occasionally they smell. Not like Pot Pourri either.

Yet the majority of the fairer sex would have men believe that they regard the emission of excess wind to be nothing more than a basic bodily function. More importantly, they appear to have a real problem with the fact that we males not only enjoy it but are able to derive such humour from it. The obvious question is why?

Well to me, the answer to that question is fairly obvious; it’s because we enjoy it.

Yes, that’s right. The simple reality is that women don’t actually like men to have fun doing something which doesn’t involve them. Why else do you think so many of them have started tagging along to football? It’s not because they enjoy it, it’s because they want to make sure we don’t! Seriously, do you really think they don’t know exactly how much of a dampener their presence has on the match day experience?

It is my belief that women are secretly jealous of our appreciation of the anal art form but having backed themselves into a corner they dare not admit it because that would mean admitting they've been wrong all along.

However, since unlike football farting is an activity that we can enjoy on our own they are forced to try and discourage us from partaking by brainwashing us. A tactic they do by repeatedly telling us that we only do it because we aren’t clever enough to find humour in anything else or that it is either ‘revolting’ or ‘disgusting’. It’s basic word association: Oven = hot = burn, road = traffic = death, fart = bad =stroppy woman.

But the primary tool employed by women as a brainwashing tool to discourage the enjoyment of anal activity is the suggestion that it is childish. The key weapon used here being the phrase ‘grow up’.

This expression is important for many reasons and it is vital that all men understand why. You see it is fundamental to the acknowledged truth that when a woman gets her claws into a man, her primary goal is to mould him into the ‘man’ she actually wants as opposed to the one she has ended up with. Central to this is the modification of his behaviour central to which is the separation from both his past and especially his mates. Hence the concerted efforts to discourage any behaviour which might be perceived as being either ‘childish’ or ‘blokey’.

The sad fact is that it is women who are missing out. Not simply because a happy bloke is obviously going to be far more fun to be around than an empty shell of a ‘new man’ but because they are unable to enjoy one of the natural wonders of life.

Indeed, it is my belief that women are secretly jealous of our appreciation of the anal art form but having backed themselves into a corner they dare not admit it because that would mean admitting that they have been wrong all along. And we all know what a problem that is for women.

Ironically, they had the perfect opportunity to do avoid doing that and finally embrace rectal recreation when the so-called ‘Ladette’ culture took hold back in the 90’s but they blew it. Preferring instead to adopt the delights of getting shit faced, swearing in public and thinking shagging anything that moved was a good idea. All things they had spent decades slagging us off for and which unlike farting, most blokes eventually grow out of anyway!

As a result, when it comes to women and pootery we are where we are and it is unlikely that things will ever change. But that it is not our fault, it is theirs. They after all are the ones missing out because there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying farting. It should be celebrated as a sign of confidence but above all, of honesty. If you take nothing else from this book, take that simple truth because it will change your life.

As the rapper P. Diddy once said, “you can’t trust a woman until she farts in front of you” and that says it all.

The Art Of Fart is the new book from Dougie Brimson and is available to buy here.

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