So that’s it for another year of E3. And the assorted games industry execs can bristle with pride at a job well done. For this was the finest demonstration yet of just how feckless and shite mainstream gaming has become. It was a performance they have been collaborating on for the past 15 years, but this time it all came together. It was a barnstorming show.
One-by-one they took to the stage to hammer home a simple but powerful message - mainstream gaming is dead. Go back to your homes - watch television, read a book, play the clarinet, go to the movies. If you must play games, do it on a smartphone or a tablet. We repeat - mainstream gaming is dead. Until next year; thank you and good night.
What made this message so effective was that it wasn’t just marketing talk - they had the proof. Up on the giant screens they bombarded the audience with a dazzling display of the dullest and most sterile games that this flaccid industry could muster. Different execs. Different publishers. Different consoles. Different titles - but all merging to form a glorious kind of gaming sludge.
It’s a brown, bloody, shitty sludge. Submerged within you will find a guy with tattoos and a gun. He will be running around and crouching behind things and switching weapons and shooting people. There will be death, pain, screaming, stabbing, slashing and bloody splatters in the mud. And crouching behind things.
Call of Duty: Black Ops 2, Modern Warfare 3, Halo 4, Battlefield 4, Far Cry 3, Dead Space 3, Medal of Honor: Warfighter, Crysis 3, Resident Evil 6, Lost Planet 3. The names aren’t even important any more. Let’s just stick to numbers - 2-3-4-4-3-3-3-6-3…
Mainstream gaming is dead. Go back to your homes - watch television, read a book, play the clarinet, go to the movies
This is the culmination of 40 years of games design. If this was the movies, we would be entering the Golden Age. But it’s not - this is games. And we’ve transcended creativity and innovation. We’re way past that - we left it behind some time in the mid 90’s.
We don’t need it because we have this shitty bloody sludge to roll around in. To cake ourselves in; to protect ourselves from the idea that games could ever be something more than just running around and slaughtering people.
But what about those oddballs who don’t like games involving endless shooting and killing - which is around 98 percent of the world’s population. Or what about those who don’t mind them - they’re just fucking sick of them? Well, that’s not a problem because they have Nintendo.
You may remember Nintendo - they used to make great games. But they too have gone past that stage - they’re so much more advanced. Now they make gimmicky new consoles on which to play those old games.
At E3 we saw the latest version, something called the Wii U. This is similar to the Nintendo Wii; that thing you have stored in a box in the attic - but this one comes with an all-singing, all-dancing tea tray controller. Suddenly a whole new world opens up. You can play Super Mario with a giant controller and tilt it and things. It’s a gaming revolution.
And the great thing about the Wii U is that Nintendo now has a console with the power to join Sony and Microsoft in their bukakke party. Already you can see them licking their lips, developing a taste for this bloody, shitty gaming sludge.
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