Facebook Doesn't Care About Your Relationship

Sorry to break it to you but I just don’t want to see your relationship all over my news feed and no, I’m certainly not jealous.
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Sorry to break it to you but I just don’t want to see your relationship all over my news feed and no, I’m certainly not jealous.

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We’ve all encountered them, haven’t we? That one couple on your Facebook news feed that’s in a relationship and feels the need to relentlessly remind their swarm of unfortunate Facebook friends about it just so everyone can know how much that there are in love with their partner.

I do get it. You’re in a relationship and you’re going through that ‘butterfly’ stage and you want the whole world to know. I really do get it. But let’s be frank, you really don’t need to tell us just how in love you are twenty nine times a day purely because no one wants to see it. I am fully aware that stating no one is normally a bizarre piece of hyperbole when someone wants to show how much they personally don’t care but this time; I mean it. Literally, no one cares how in love you are with your boyfriend (well maybe your auntie might enjoy it slightly but it’ll swiftly turn somewhat tedious for her too) simply because it isn’t exciting or different than the norm and listen carefully to this piece of advice: just because you’ve found someone that will tolerate you doesn’t mean the rest of Facebook can.

This won’t stop you though; you’ll incessantly tell us just how in love with your boyfriend (or girlfriend) you are. If it’s not a status exclaiming your love for your partner, it’s a wall post. If it’s not a picture of you together, it’s an unbelievably embarrassing picture of the two of you kissing. But don’t worry, you’ve got your bases covered; you can tell everyone you’ve got a boyfriend repeatedly and if anyone dares to light-heartedly mentions to you that you might do it “a little too much” then you can accuse them of being jealous because the whole world does indeed revolve around you.

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Perhaps more annoyingly than this is the term ‘Facebook official’ that seems to have been coined by Facebook users themselves. The term implies that a relationship isn’t official until it is on Facebook for the world to see. To put it into basic terms, you’re not allowed to have a relationship if you don’t have Facebook. You hear that? If you don’t have Facebook, you’re not in a relationship. Take that, Jack and Rose.

It’s only acceptable to boast about your relationship if you’re a thirteen year old girl or maybe if it’s your anniversary or if it’s your actual wedding day. But if you don’t tick any of these boxes then don’t click the one that posts it straight to Facebook. Oh and when I say anniversary, I mean wedding anniversary – don’t pretend that the anniversary of you first meeting or even when you first had sex is a noteworthy date because we all know it’s just a feeble excuse to inform us, once again, that you are in a relationship.

You should be happy you’re in a relationship with someone you truly like. And your friends/family should be happy for you too. But don’t tell a random lad that you used to go to school with via status update because I really don’t care. This isn’t jealousy, this isn’t my way of telling you all I’m really lonely and that I’m just desperate for a relationship that I can blurt all over Facebook. This is just my way of saying that I simply don’t care about your relationship. So congratulations on getting some but please stop boasting to me (and the rest of us) about it? Cheers.