Fat People: A Tribute

Fat people they’re just great aren’t they? They’re just like the rest of us but um, bigger, much bigger.
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Fat people they’re just great aren’t they? They’re just like the rest of us but um, bigger, much bigger.

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Fat people absolutely fascinate me. I’m almost like a fat addict. I just love watching them. I feel like it’s almost like the modern day version of train spotting except for they move an awful lot slower due to all the weight holding them back. Plus as they're everywhere you don't have to look like a tosspot sat on a camper stool at a train station to be able to enjoy them. But, this brilliant sport does have its set backs, unlike trains fat people get a little agitated if you stare at them for too long, taking notes is virtually impossible I mean they know you know they know you’re just looking at them because they’re fat you can’t make it worse by taking down size, shape details and location on your best Moleskin notepad.

This is why it’s much better to view them from afar and by afar I mean on the television. See the thing is with watching fat people on the TV is that they can’t see your excited face as they stuff themselves full of 3687 burgers and struggle to walk up a flight of stairs without dying. They can’t see your look of amusement as they get into a car and it drops 6 feet into the ground, amusement which is almost certainly doubled at the sound of a crack as the door frame breaks. Your disbelief when they describe the fact that, despite their monumental size, they still have sex “it’s a little difficult but you just lift up the rolls and get past it, no, I don’t go on top.”

An average tube will contain something like 45 packets of crisps, 22 kebabs, 16 litres of full fat coke and some tea cakes.

Fat people TV is like porn for my inner, well, fat person. Because, god I hate that I have to admit this, I used to be one of them and now I sadly (it’s not really that sad) no longer eat take away 6 nights a week or think of a Cornish Pasty as a morning snack I have to get my kicks from somewhere. When you’ve been fat and recovered – it’s it just bloody annoying when fat people treat it like an illness? yes that’s right it’s a disease that made you eat 67 chocolate digestives before 8 this morning – you suddenly realise just how wrong what you were doing to your body was and therefore revel in awe and let’s not lie, slight disgust, that people can do these things to their bodies.

The best thing about my fat people perversion is that there are just so many programmes to choose from; Cook Yourself Thin, vintage goods like You Are What You Eat, My Big Fat Wedding, The Biggest Loser (I love that this insinuates that fat people are losers) and my all time favourite Supersize VS Superskinny. See who cares what the skinny person eats – air in case you were wondering – it’s all about the fat tube and by fat tube I mean the tube they fill with all the food the fat person eats. An average tube will contain something like 45 packets of crisps, 22 kebabs, 16 litres of full fat coke and some tea cakes, it will be taller than the person that consumes it and therefore the general jist or, as I like to see it, is that they have eaten themselves, which is actually pretty sick and not in a good way.

During the week in the Supersize vs Superskinny house the fat person is then forced to eat the air the skinny person eats and they sometimes cry, this is great because when fat people cry they get so much more emotional as it generally means that they lose the ability to breath, I presume this is because of the leftover cake residue blocking their windpipe or something but I’m not sure. The only really annoying thing about the programme is that at the end the fat people do generally manage to lose some weight and then they’re just well, normal. They never get so thin that they look fabulous but they remain most definitely on the large side of average and what’s the point in an average person it’s like they’re nothing, they may as well be dead.

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