Five Reasons Why I'm Leaving Facebook And Twitter For Google Plus

You all seem reluctant to accept the fact that Google+ is our social networking future. Here's five reasons that will change your mind...
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You all seem reluctant to accept the fact that Google+ is our social networking future. Here's five reasons that will change your mind...

Facebook's too thick

People fuck things up. My toilet at home, for example, is spotless. Clean as whistle. You could eat your dinner directly from the pan, using the cistern for dips. The shitters in my local pub, on the other hand, are absolutely rotten. I once saw a man remove one of the cubical doors – which had dried shit smeared all over it – balance it across the sinks and do a fat line of coke off it. People fuck things up. Especially drunk people.

Social media is no exception.

My Facebook news feed has become insufferable. It’s brimming with unintelligible, Carrie Bradshaw-esque cod-philosophy; boozy weekend boasting and morbid Monday morning laments; nervous breakdowns and cries for help; a place where the bastardisation of basic punctuation and grammar is endemic; an open forum for inane half-thoughts and vapid self-analysis.

Then there’s the relentless stream of photo albums showing everyone, everywhere, ostensibly having the time of their lives, the perpetual misery of Farm Ville and Mafia Wars updates and the need to purport esoteric cultural tastes by ‘liking’ all manner of bands, books and movie pages.

It’s my fault for accepting and adding these idiots, of course it is. But I’d never lower myself to the point of deleting people – it feels so much more petty and inhumane than an unfollowing on Twitter. Nor would I embarrass myself by deleting my account altogether only to drunkenly reactivate it a week later.

The solution: let my Facebook run on autopilot. Turn my back on the whole shit tip and let the banality flourish without me. Relocate to Google+, taking with me only the absolute cream of my Facey flock.

Twitter's too clever

So we're all leaving Facebook to get away from the swarm of depressing dolts that have infested the place, that's agreed. But what about Twitter? We're all still madly in love with Twitter, right? Wrong.

I remember when the internet was escapism in it's purest form. It was my Shangri-La. A place where pirated music was in abundance, the porn supply seemed infinite and videos of cats acting like ninjas were ferociously hilarious. Those days are long gone. Why? Because of Twitter.

If it's not the Iranian election protests, it's the Arab Spring. If I'm not hounding Johann Hari for plagiarism, I'm revolting against Führer Murdoch and going apeshit over Hackgate. I can't enjoy my stolen music, crack one off over Latino midget bukkake or waste my working day guffawing at stealth felines when Twitter's got me all interested in the world around me and stuff.

For that reason, Twitter, I'm out. I'm off to Google+ where I can forget about people and politics and revolutions and feeling a part of epoch-defining news and that. Up yours.

Same goes for adultery, hypocrisy, insincerity, bullying, lying and criminal activity: our current social networking sites simply aren't conducive to them.

Because we're getting better at this stuff

When I was a young'un, I loved writing letters. I'd write to footy teams asking for signed pictures of players – Ajax and Finidi George was my biggest score – my great auntie in Canada who I'd never met, pen pals or anyone else I thought would reply. The whole concept of letter writing excited me. Now, today, in 2011, it's a complete anachronism – like floppy disks or Ant and Dec.

The fact is, sending emails is a million times better. It's quicker, simpler, more efficient and doesn't induce a panic attack trying to remember where the stamp goes.

Similarly, people loved MySpace – the first major social networking success. But compared to Facebook it was slower, complicated, less efficient and induced a panic attack trying learn how to do HTML. Twitter is greater still. One of the few things we, collectively, as human beings are getting better at, is using technology to communicate with each other. Google+ is the next step forward.

To not get collared

One of the most problematic aspects of Facebook and, to a certain extent, Twitter, is their innate capacity to drop you right in the shit. For example: you've pulled a sickie at work. You've called in and your boss has bought the weary voice, sentences punctuated with a spluttering cough, all enhanced by a shamelessly self-pitying tone. Sorted. You're home free. Here's to a day spent sitting in your pants, watching Come Dine with Me and eating fry-ups.

But Facebook doesn't tolerate indolence, and Twitter properly hates slackers. They're also looking to catch you out. So, just when you think you've got away with it, the perfect crime, that's when one of your friends tags a photo of you doing Beyoncé's Single Ladies dance with a White Russian in your hand at four o'clock in the morning; that's when a colleague of your's retweets the: “I've just double-dropped a couple of mental pills. BUZZZ-INNN!” tweet you sent them the previous night. That's when you get rumbled.

Same goes for adultery, hypocrisy, insincerity, bullying, lying and criminal activity: our current social networking sites simply aren't conducive to them.

Google+ is.

Thank to its Circles feature (more about that here), we can get away with being an indolent, adulterous, hypocritical, insincere, bullying, lying criminal so long as we keep all the squares – bosses, narks, weirdos, whoever – in one secure Circle, well away from the real action.

To get in while the going's good

I never had a MySpace account. It never interested me. I also believed Facebook to be a flash in the pan – a tool for people to brag about their lives and nothing more. Ultimately, like the mindless drone I am, I succumb to the latter and endured a barrage of smug “you said you'd never get a Facebook” abuse for doing so. I got into Twitter relativity early, and still snigger at the maiden: “How does this work” tweets by latecomers – the same bastards who took the piss out of me for snivelling my way over to Facebook late doors.

My advice is this: get involved early. You don't want to be doing the walk of shame from Facebook to Google+ in six months time under a flurry of jeers from your friends who are already there, laughing at you like you've been senselessly rutting a geriatric prostitute while they've all been feasting at the loins of the nubile new harlot in the social media whorehouse.

That's why Im switching to Google+.