Food Porn & 37 Other Foodie Words That Make Me Choke

I love food it's ace, but why feel the need to make it shit with loads of wanky sayings? If you've ever said 'Pimms O' Clock', look away now...
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I love food it's ace, but why feel the need to make it shit with loads of wanky sayings? If you've ever said 'Pimms O' Clock', look away now...

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It's all very well to describe food, but can people try and think of some new words that don't induce shivers and sweats? Thanks.

ADJECTIVES

YUMMY - It's like reading a child's words.

AMAZING - I am the worst culprit for this. Yesterday I saw it four times in the same sentence.

TASTY - Just so bloody trite. It's one of the most meaningless words that could be used when writing about food.

LOVELY - Urgh

TOOTHSOME – This is on about the same scale as 'tasty', if not worse.

SUCCULENT – This is a real 'Nigella' word. That whole 'cooking like you're in a porno' is tired now. Not that it stops Lorraine Pascal.

-NESS – As in "My cellulite loaded thighs wobbled enthusiastically as my teeth sank into its sticky porky goodness"

LUSH – Are you a 14-year-old girl (Or Welsh, as has been pointed out to me several times)? No? Then you are not allowed to use this word.

DELECTABLE – Smacks of swallowing your thesaurus in your English Lit GCSE exam.

PUNGENT – Conjures up all sorts of lovely images.

RUSTIC – Stick it on a wooden board and in an old tin and suddenly it's rustic.

More...

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When eating out, my heart sinks if I see any of these words on a menu.

MENU ITEMS

SLAW, DOGS, SHAKES, MAC N CHEESE – Why the need to abbreviate EVERYTHING American?

HOME-MADE – I wouldn't expect anything less. Though I'd be surprised if you did make it in your own home.

ARTISAN – Stick 'artisan' before any food stuff and add £2 to its price. Yes I'm sure you like to cultivate the image of dedication to tradition, home made, your well worn hands nurturing every last crumb of sourdough. What it really means is 'we haven't yet done well enough to get bought out by anyone yet'

DECONSTRUCTED – It's a fucking cheesecake, alright, taking it apart doesn't necessarily make it better. When paying for food, I generally like it all ready put together thanks.

HAND-CUT – It's not really such a great claim, is it?

MICRO – A cunning way of dressing up something small as a good thing.

FRESH - Well, that's really reassuring. What state are your other unlabelled ingredients in?

BURGER – Bored. Of. Burgers.

GOURMET – Gourmet burgers, gourmet anything – it has lost all meaning.

Like fingernails scraping down the blackboard, these words and phrases are ones I'd rather not hear.

GENERAL FOODIE TERMS

NOM – Was this word invented by Twitter? Just never acceptable. Makes anyone sound like a complete moron.

COOKED TO PERFECTION – Trite and lazy.

STREET FOOD – You are not a street vendor from Patpong Bangkok. You are a 24 yr old university graduate called Tristan with a restored Citroen H van, a mate who's a graphic designer and loan from your dad. Anyway, since when did it stop being called 'takeaway food'?

STREATERIE – VOMIT.

FOOD PORN – Since when had porn become an interchangeable term for something that looks good? It doesn't even make any sense.

BREATH OF FRESH AIR – Another lazy journalistic phrase, for when good words really fail them.

SUPPER - Unless you are a crumbling aristocrat of at least 90 years wearing mustard cords and tweeds flanked by two equally ancient labradors, and you are referring to a small evening meal where full dinner dress is not required, please do not use this term as you sound monumentally aspirational.

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CHOWING DOWN – The only place where this is acceptable to be used is in a teen magazine.

TUCK INTO - It doesn't make any sense and sounds again like you are scraping the barrel.

-O'CLOCK – Gin O'clock, Pimms O'Clock, anything O'Clock. It makes you sound like a wanker who thinks like, drinking is really cool and random. And it's always getting retweeted into my timeline from the sodding “Queen”.

YES CHEF – People who fawn over chefs and punctuate every sentence with 'yes chef'. It's not funny and it's not clever. Stop elevating them to ridiculous levels. Do they call you by your job title? Didn't think so.

FOODIE – I use this one myself so GUILTY AS CHARGED! Can I change it please?

HIT THE SPOT - Did it? How nice your appetite has been perfectly fulfilled and you've found such a chirpy off the cuff remark to describe it.

DIRTY/FILTHY – Masking your guilt of your ever expanding waistband and enthusiasm for junk food by describing your abundant love of a burger with derogatory terms. This is now considered a GOOD thing.

THE DISH EATS... - The dish doesn't eat. We eat it!

EATERIE – Just call it a restaurant, please.

Thanks to @greedygirlblog, @mcmoop, @jameslewisland, @tomcavill, @arbaggs, @gi_nav, @jensenbull, @rob_hyde, @marketcamden, @elizabethonfood, @londonned, @bangersmashchat and @dave_c_harvey

This first appeared on Melissa's blog, and you can follow her on Twitter @melissafoodie.