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Food Porn & 37 Other Foodie Words That Make Me Choke

by Melissa Foodie
16 November 2013 19 Comments

I love food it's ace, but why feel the need to make it shit with loads of wanky sayings? If you've ever said 'Pimms O' Clock', look away now...

It’s all very well to describe food, but can people try and think of some new words that don’t induce shivers and sweats? Thanks.

ADJECTIVES

YUMMY - It’s like reading a child’s words.

AMAZING - I am the worst culprit for this. Yesterday I saw it four times in the same sentence.

TASTY - Just so bloody trite. It’s one of the most meaningless words that could be used when writing about food.

LOVELY - Urgh

TOOTHSOME – This is on about the same scale as ‘tasty’, if not worse.

SUCCULENT – This is a real ‘Nigella‘ word. That whole ‘cooking like you’re in a porno’ is tired now. Not that it stops Lorraine Pascal.

-NESS – As in “My cellulite loaded thighs wobbled enthusiastically as my teeth sank into its sticky porky goodness”

LUSH – Are you a 14-year-old girl (Or Welsh, as has been pointed out to me several times)? No? Then you are not allowed to use this word.

DELECTABLE – Smacks of swallowing your thesaurus in your English Lit GCSE exam.

PUNGENT – Conjures up all sorts of lovely images.

RUSTIC – Stick it on a wooden board and in an old tin and suddenly it’s rustic.

More…

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When eating out, my heart sinks if I see any of these words on a menu.

MENU ITEMS

SLAW, DOGS, SHAKES, MAC N CHEESE – Why the need to abbreviate EVERYTHING American?

HOME-MADE – I wouldn’t expect anything less. Though I’d be surprised if you did make it in your own home.

ARTISAN – Stick ‘artisan’ before any food stuff and add £2 to its price. Yes I’m sure you like to cultivate the image of dedication to tradition, home made, your well worn hands nurturing every last crumb of sourdough. What it really means is ‘we haven’t yet done well enough to get bought out by anyone yet’

DECONSTRUCTED – It’s a fucking cheesecake, alright, taking it apart doesn’t necessarily make it better. When paying for food, I generally like it all ready put together thanks.

HAND-CUT – It’s not really such a great claim, is it?

MICRO – A cunning way of dressing up something small as a good thing.

FRESH - Well, that’s really reassuring. What state are your other unlabelled ingredients in?

BURGER – Bored. Of. Burgers.

GOURMET – Gourmet burgers, gourmet anything – it has lost all meaning.

Like fingernails scraping down the blackboard, these words and phrases are ones I’d rather not hear.

GENERAL FOODIE TERMS

NOM – Was this word invented by Twitter? Just never acceptable. Makes anyone sound like a complete moron.

COOKED TO PERFECTION – Trite and lazy.

STREET FOOD – You are not a street vendor from Patpong Bangkok. You are a 24 yr old university graduate called Tristan with a restored Citroen H van, a mate who’s a graphic designer and loan from your dad. Anyway, since when did it stop being called ‘takeaway food’?

STREATERIE – VOMIT.

FOOD PORN – Since when had porn become an interchangeable term for something that looks good? It doesn’t even make any sense.

BREATH OF FRESH AIR – Another lazy journalistic phrase, for when good words really fail them.

SUPPER - Unless you are a crumbling aristocrat of at least 90 years wearing mustard cords and tweeds flanked by two equally ancient labradors, and you are referring to a small evening meal where full dinner dress is not required, please do not use this term as you sound monumentally aspirational.

More…

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CHOWING DOWN – The only place where this is acceptable to be used is in a teen magazine.

TUCK INTO - It doesn’t make any sense and sounds again like you are scraping the barrel.

-O’CLOCK – Gin O’clock, Pimms O’Clock, anything O’Clock. It makes you sound like a wanker who thinks like, drinking is really cool and random. And it’s always getting retweeted into my timeline from the sodding “Queen”.

YES CHEF – People who fawn over chefs and punctuate every sentence with ‘yes chef’. It’s not funny and it’s not clever. Stop elevating them to ridiculous levels. Do they call you by your job title? Didn’t think so.

FOODIE – I use this one myself so GUILTY AS CHARGED! Can I change it please?

HIT THE SPOT - Did it? How nice your appetite has been perfectly fulfilled and you’ve found such a chirpy off the cuff remark to describe it.

DIRTY/FILTHY – Masking your guilt of your ever expanding waistband and enthusiasm for junk food by describing your abundant love of a burger with derogatory terms. This is now considered a GOOD thing.

THE DISH EATS… - The dish doesn’t eat. We eat it!

EATERIE – Just call it a restaurant, please.

Thanks to @greedygirlblog, @mcmoop, @jameslewisland, @tomcavill, @arbaggs, @gi_nav, @jensenbull, @rob_hyde, @marketcamden, @elizabethonfood, @londonned, @bangersmashchat and @dave_c_harvey

This first appeared on Melissa’s blog, and you can follow her on Twitter @melissafoodie.

If you like it, Pass it on

image descriptionCOMMENTS

robin lee 9:44 am, 6-Aug-2012

there are so many more. 'the meat just fell of the bone'.....yep, it does, it just means its cooked you numpty. 'pan fried salmon'... well what else are you going to fry it in, a fucking puddle? 'ooh this sauce is lovely' ....well theyre not going to put pig piss over their steak are they? 'is the fish really fishy'.... oh fuck off

Patrick frost 10:00 am, 6-Aug-2012

Well said, I thought it was just me, do people who type Nom Nom say it ? they need a slap

Wilson 10:23 am, 6-Aug-2012

....like when farm shop producers bang on about 'provenance' to justify high prices - when in actual fact it means they don't pay rent on the centuries owned land they were given and they don't want you realising that they are less up front than supermarkets.

Geraldine 11:07 am, 6-Aug-2012

Lighten up! Luv.

patrick smith 11:19 am, 6-Aug-2012

Supermarket 'this is the very best we could do, honest' ranges fall into this category too for me. Taste The Difference - actually no i can't & anyway, isn't it all supposed to be tasty in the first place?

Droz 12:35 pm, 6-Aug-2012

Settle down! I'm all for not using cliches, but *come on* you need to chill out. "Eatery" is how it's spelt, and it's totally fine because not everything is a fucking restaurant. The connotations are totally different. "Street food" is food cooked on the street. So many caravans/trucks qualify for this beacuse it's actually food made on the street - doesn't actually matter if you're a hipster douche with a moustache genuinely from Mexico or not. It's "food porn" because photos like that are meant to make you lust over food. It's also not the only place you see the word porn attached - anything that has a desire-enducing photo is described as *porn. Beer porn, geology porn, twitter porn, C++ porn, etc. No need to be a misguided elitist. Sheesh.

Andy 2:59 pm, 6-Aug-2012

@Droz if you actually use phrases such as "beer porn" you're more of a bellend than your name suggests.

Droz 4:39 pm, 6-Aug-2012

Touché

Mineo 5:44 pm, 6-Aug-2012

*bored with* or *bored by* ... but never, ever "bored of"!!! Third time I've seen this in the ST in a week. One grammatical error that makes you look like a moron ...

Gremoli 9:51 pm, 6-Aug-2012

Nom Nom is one of the most irritating expressions I ever read

TMCrumpet 4:43 pm, 28-Dec-2012

Agree with every single point!! The obsessive way people talk about food is insane. No wonder there are so many hugely fat people around!! One *thing* you missed out is old flobber-lips & his eshtewary vocabulary - wazz-fest! I do not want things 'sprinkled from a height' as it will mess up my tiny kitchen. I don't want "wodges" of food and I don't want extra oil drizzled over everything (even soup) as it is gross!!! Good article though - glad I'm not the only one!!

myleftboot 8:40 pm, 28-Dec-2012

I thought food porn was when the birds in Razzle smeared custard on their tits?

Dylan 12:07 pm, 14-Mar-2013

What words does the author use to describe their food? How much contempt and bitterness can you ascribe to a sweetcorn fritter?

SBW 1:53 pm, 15-Apr-2013

The chef invited me 'backstage' for an infusion of bagged tea and kettle boiled water.

Anders 11:16 am, 25-Apr-2013

'pan fried' let me tell you, winds me right up. Don't mind a good old NOM NOM NOM mind you. S'hamzing. Sorry i'll go now.

Mr Potato Head 11:19 pm, 25-Apr-2013

Putting a lump of meat or fish on a "bed" of something. Like my head - it's generally spud darlings.

Panulirus 5:43 am, 17-Mar-2014

As much as I find the vocabulary irritating, what's worse is the heavy-handed cooking style that's become ubiquitous in US restaurants. Sometimes I want a good steak, and I want to enjoy that flavor without mango chutney, dill and mustard gastrique, or cormorant foot reduction. I don't need every dish embellished with obscure ingredients that overpower the dish. I appreciate a good sauce as much as anyone, but if you can nail cooking time and balance salt and spice, you've done a great job and sometimes that's enough.

Robert Anderson 10:11 pm, 18-May-2014

"Gastropub" makes me gag. Anyone for gastric distress, gastro-reflux disease, gastric pump, gastroenteritis, or plain old gas?

Soupastar 1:45 pm, 19-Aug-2014

Would I be allowed to use these terms ironically?

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