Forget Nick Griffin: Five Twitter Accounts Anonymous Should've Hacked Instead

George Lineker, put your cock down, we're coming for your Twitter account...
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George Lineker, put your cock down, we're coming for your Twitter account...

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Whilst everyone else was busy spending their Bank Holiday weekend doing what they usually do at weekends - but for longer and more drunker - BNP leader Nick Griffin was busy getting his Twitter account hacked by a member of the 'hacktivist' collective Anonymous.

According to @Anon_0x03, commandeering the BNP leader's Twitter account was, like, totally random, but I find that a little hard to believe. The universe really would have had to intervene, wouldn't it? If they were just hacking at random, wouldn't they have most likely ended up hacking some guy called Mark, aged 38 from Sutton Coldfield, who's only ever used his account so that he can RT something to be in with the chance of winning an iPad Mini?

And if they were choosing, then a more topical choice of hack-ee (?) would have been a UKIP MP, surely - although I have no idea what the fuck you could possibly tweet that would be offensive enough to alert anyone to the fact that they'd been hacked.

To be honest, I think @Anon_0x03 could've done better.

In calling yourself a 'hacktivist' you give the impression that you have at least a little bit of an agenda; that you are clued up on the issues of today and that you are ready to tackle them one hack at a time, but there seemed to be no message behind the infiltration of Griffin's Twitter account, with @Anon_0x03 even tweeting that they had no idea what to do with the account now that they'd got it. The whole thing reminded me of a 'protest' that took place whilst I was at university, in which a group of students occupied a lecture theatre but did nothing more than get in a load of duvets and order Dominos for 4 days, only to fuck off the second the Easter holidays started.

Also, I was disappointed in the gay jokes. When it comes to Nick Griffin, you've got a lot of material to work with (the guy looks like a FatBooth-ed John Barrowman and is a militant racist, for god's sakes) so you really don't need to go for the 2011 'Facebook rape' default content of 'loving cock' to humiliate him.

And, come on dude, retweeting compliments about how hilarious your hacking is? Be. Cool.

The whole thing did get me thinking about who I'd would like to hack though, if I actually possessed the ability to hack anyone at all and didn't struggle to get past my own email security questions. I came up with a few accounts who, whilst they definitely are not my most hated, do continue to bug the shit out of me.
So, here are five twitter profiles, just off the top of my head, that I would totally hack and what hacktivities I would get up to given half the chance-

1. Jeremy Clarkson

An easy hit, really. I would treat this like an assassination - or the assassinations that I've seen on TV, at least - and don something tight, black and sexy to get in the mood. Then, I would get in, hit send on something offensive in his drafts (something that I know was only sitting there because of a fortunate momentary 3G glitch and not because he'd thought better of it), get out and wait for the sacking that we've been told will come if he ever offends anyone again.

2. Ricky Gervais

Now, I like The Office. I like Extras. I don't like the films or Derek. On the whole, I think that Ricky Gervais is a bit funny, but upon frantically typing and clicking my way into his Twitter account I would have to tweet just one thing, just one collection of 140 characters, that was not a pro-atheist anti-faith joke, just to break up THE MONOTONY.

I don't believe in God, but you know what, Ricky? Some people do, and that's fine.

This could also be substituted for Rob Delaney and dick/bad in bed jokes. I was torn (and that's probably a reference to a Delaney joke, somewhere).

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3. George Lineker

First up, one thing that I would get right out of the fucking way is to change his bio to 'Just Gary Lineker's son.'

I would then do some nice stuff, random hacks of kindness, you could say (but probably shouldn't). I  would definitely tweet a few nice things to his brother, because George can be a real dick about him. Maybe something like “Hi mate, remember that time when we were kids and we had loads of fun playing with that SuperSoaker? That was well fun!

Finally, I would unfollow all of the glamour models that he follows, just to give them a break from what I imagine are incessant direct messages asking nothing more than “Out tonight? ;)

4. Cuntswatching

I'd just delete the whole bloody account. I would happily spend forty to fifty minutes clicking my way through various settings menus in order to reach an ambiguously phrased 'delete account' option and click the shit out of that button.

Why? Because this isn't cunt watching, mostly; it's dumb 14 year old watching and it makes me feel a bit sad. I'm pretty sure that we all drew our eyebrows on terribly and found completely mundane occurrences to be the most hilarious thing to ever happen at fourteen years old, but we were weren't held up and laughed at by bored people working in a tedious job in a bleak office.

Also, it's all fake. I know it. You know it. They know it. So let's just can it.

5. Anyone who uses Twitter to complain to restaurants

Upon seeing someone unleash a exclamation mark-laden series of tweets at Tim from Milton Keynes' Wagamamas, complaining about how long they had to wait for their chilli chicken ramen, I would just hack my way in and drop a quick follow up tweet to say-  “Hey guys, sorry for acting like a self-important prick. Will put everything in an email, rather than a five part tweet that's nothing more than a thinly-veiled attempt to get a free meal, or at least a dessert, as I'm now aware that you could not give a shit if the seventy-six people who follow me never visit your branch.

Yes, I would probably have to split that up into 3 tweets, but don't hate the player, hate the long-winded game, or whatever.

Follow Alice on Twitter, @BuckinghamAlice