Forget Water Cannons, Americans Are Using Breast Milk To Stop Riots

Whilst Cameron espouses rubber bullets there are better ways to quell a riot...load up the water cannons with norky goodness. At least the lactose intolerant would soon scamper off home.
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Whilst Cameron espouses rubber bullets there are better ways to quell a riot...load up the water cannons with norky goodness. At least the lactose intolerant would soon scamper off home.

We can all breathe a sigh of relief. After a hectic schedule of posing for awkward photos with underpaid waitresses to laugh off the tip-troversy in Tuscany, David Cameron is back to restore law and order to our crime-ravaged streets.

Having initially dismissed the situation as a storm in a cappuccino cup, he soon realised that this was his Hurricane Katrina moment. And he had no intention of rocking up in Tottenham to smile and commend everyone for a job well done. Inspired by the reactionary rantings of an increasingly right-wing populace, Cameron got his game-face on and declared that "There are pockets of our society that are not just broken, but frankly sick."

Clearly relishing the chance to dish out the tough talk from a safe distance, like a gobby punter screaming at ice hockey players from behind the plexiglass, Cameron set out his hardline approach to quelling civil unrest. In his new arsenal - rubber bullets, a rejection of "phony human rights", and "contingency plans for water cannon to be available at 24 hours' notice." In spite of Cameron's Charles Bronson-esque tough talk, the police are maintaining a more cautious perspective. Probably on account of the fact that they're the ones on the front line, rather than our blotchy-faced premier.

Sir Hugh Orde, president of the Association of Chief Police Officers, claimed that water cannons are an unnecessary measure, stating "The evidence from your camera people shows that these are fast-moving crowds where water canon would not be appropriate. I don't see it as necessary, and nor do the 43 chiefs I spoke to this morning."

Even so, Dave's rolled up his corduroys and is hoping for a proper rumble. As he told the press, "We needed a fightback, and a fightback is under way. Whatever resources the police need, they will get. We will do whatever is necessary to restore law and order on our streets. Every contingency is being looked at. Nothing is off the table." So how about a compromise?

If the force of the jets doesn't stop them in their tracks, maybe their queasiness about lactation will.

An enterprising rabble-rouser in the States found an unusual way of controlling the crowds, even if they were sheriff's deputies attempting to break up a domestic dispute she was involved in. Stephanie Robinette from Ohio got into a fight with her husband and took refuge in their car. When police arrived on the scene and attempted to pull her out of the car, she whipped out her right tit and hosed down the officers with her breast milk. Forget about police reinforcements and special dispensation for water cannons - all we need is a line of sturdy wet nurses, willing to flop one out and express some calcium-rich justice at the unruly mob.

If the force of the jets doesn't stop them in their tracks, maybe their queasiness about lactation will. Remember back in February, when Icecreamists offered up Baby Gaga ice-cream made from lady milk? It may have only been 15 women squeezing their norks into a butter churn full of Madagascan vanilla pods, but the press reaction made it sound like entrepreneur Matt O'Connor was selling soap harvested from human fat.

Proponents of suckling have been arguing the point for years, but now it seems we might finally have proof that breast is indeed best. When it comes to a showdown between the activists and the lactivists, I know which group my money's on. And it'll make Newsnight a lot more watchable.

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