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Four Women I Should Be Ashamed To Fancy (But I'm Not)

by Adam Clery
20 August 2013 17 Comments

I just can't keep this all to myself anymore. Between an animated character and 61 year old ex-model, I've been harbouring some less than honourable thoughts about some very, very strange women. But I'm not the only one, right?

I recently spent part of a train journey peering over the shoulder of a woman who was reading an article called ‘Your weird crushes of 2010 revealed!’ Despite it being written like a cross between upper-class rap lyrics and a ten-year-old’s Facebook status it went on to explain why it’s ok to fancy the likes of Alan Rickman, Simon Cowell and everyone’s favourite face drawn on a thumb, David Cameron.

“Ha! Women are mental” I thought, as I sloped back into my seat to continue my game of finding rude shapes in the clouds and tweeting them to complete strangers. “I’m glad that I, a rational man, am not subject to such strange desires”.

But deep within my mind, the idea had already seeded itself and hours later I was slowly realising that even I, “A RATIONAL MAN”, was guilty of some questionable attractions.

Take Nigella Lawson for example. She’s quite possibly, the most motorboatable woman on television, despite being the same age as, wait for it, Gillian McKeith.

But what’s to be ashamed of there I here you cry? Simple, she isn’t real. She’s a fiction, a caricature, an experiment conducted by women to prove that, despite all our moisturising, wine drinking and guff about being ‘modern blokes’, all we want is someone who’ll cook and clean while we gawp at their whams. Well, ladies, I’m not falling for that one… sort of.

Spare a thought for her poor son though, having to go thorough school, knowing deep down that at least half of his mates have cracked one out over his mam rolling pastry and tasting hollandaise sauce with her pinky.

Then there’s The Girl From The BT advert. But it’s not so much that I fancy her, I just want to wade in-between her whiney will-they/won’t-they/oh-wait-they-already-have-did-I-miss-that-one? relentless drone of a relationship, and split them up forever.


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I Secretly Fancy BBC Weather Girl Carol Kirkwood

With her two stage-school brat children in tow, they’re conspiring to not only put me off having a telephone line but a family as well. Despite all this though, she was always reliable to get her kit off in BBC dramas ten years ago, which means I’m probably not the only twenty something with a soft-spot for her.

I’ll take great pride in seeing the advert where what’s his face from My Family comes home to find a pair of knickers tossed haphazardly over the home-hub, before quietly retreating out to the wi-fi equipped garden shed and tearfully wrapping his mouth around a double barrelled shotgun.

It gets weirder though, It would be dishonest of me not to own up to having a thing for Edna Krabappel. There, I said it. Lois Griffin might have made inappropriate thoughts about an animated character trendy, but the original source of much teenage confusion was definitely Bart Simpson’s teacher. No sooner had BBC2 started crowbarring old Simpson’s episodes in before my daily Fresh Prince of Bel Air fix, than I found myself a victim of my first ever Tim Henman (unexpected semi).

It might be the pencil skirt, or the sarcasm, or one of the catalogue of repressed childhood memories I’ll one day have to confront, but I’m not ashamed to admit that Springfield’s erotic educator kept me tuning in day after day. So forget Wilma Flintstone or Jessica Rabbit, Edna K is filthier than a coal miners sandwich and given a few choice words and half a bottle of Tesco’s red, would clearly be a goer.

And finally there’s Twiggy. I don’t care if she’s older than Bruce Springsteen and only able to emote when M&S dangle a cheque in front of her cold, dead eyes, I’d still bang her harder than a barn door in a storm.

I’m certainly not the only one to fancy a perch on the old twig, but unlike so many before me, I’m not just harbouring a repressed urge from the 60s. I think I must have spent too much time waitering at golf clubs in my adolescence, her name was continuously brought up by over-weight accountants and half-cut ex-coppers who lamented the fact their wives hadn’t quite aged as well as she had.

So yes, given the chance I would march back into the club house, stand atop a table and proudly proclaim to the room that I had accomplished what they themselves had so often fantasised about. Before scattering the polariods across the room and laughing maniacally at the sound of a dozen pants splitting as they scurried to pick them up.

Don’t look at me like that.

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

Poseur 10:47 am, 5-Dec-2010

In the interests of Gerontophilia I would add Fiona Bruce, Roz off Frasier, Monica Belluci and Racquel Welch...

Dan 11:28 pm, 5-Dec-2010

Not Twiggy or Edna, but the other two oh hell baby yeah lol, Nigella same age as gillian Mckeith- I take it Gillian has hed one hell of a hard life :D

Craig 12:47 am, 10-Dec-2010

I'd add Joan Rivers too. By now, she'd definitely know her way around a cock.

Fletch 1:41 am, 10-Dec-2010

Brilliant article, and well written too, not being sycophantic! I actually laughed out loud FOR REAL at this... Unfortunately, more at myself rather than the writer, because it's all true! However, due to the generation gap, my aim is a little more 80's leftfield: Try Betty Boop, Wilma Flintstone, Cla(i)re Grogan & that bird from Gregory's Girl! And anyone that says "Jessica Rabbit just doesn't get it! :-)

HardcorePrawn 3:26 am, 15-Dec-2010

I had to google the BT ads to find out who that girl is, the ads don't get too much coverage round my way, do you mean Esther Hall? Formerly of 'Waking the Dead'? I would say that there's no shame in fancying Nigella either (or Twiggy, or Edna Krabappel for that matter), I don't think you're alone in that respect.

Matt 5:42 pm, 18-Feb-2012

Sophia Loren , most of the Corrs , Lesley Ann Down and Marina from Stingray ,all definite trouser troublers .

Markxist 11:43 am, 24-Dec-2012

@Fletch - Dee Hepburn was the girl from Gregory's Girl. Between her and Clare Grogan, John Gordon Sinclair was a lucky sod. I adore Nigella, nothing to be ashamed of there. I even fancied her at her heaviest. My weirdest wtf crush right now though must be Sarah Millican!

Raff 4:27 pm, 24-Dec-2012

Dee Hepburn is a stunna, but wee claire would still get a game. Hannah gordon, my wife next door. Alexandra bastedo, out of the champions. Konnie huq, with her mouth on the side of her face, like robbie the reindeer. But, more than anything, Caitlin Moran, out of The Times Celebrity Watch! She is so intelligent, up with pop culture & irreverent, I would seriously have no trouble. Even if her pic looks like a blow up doll left next to a radiator for too long.

mart 6:00 pm, 24-Dec-2012

Fucking brilliant! I laughed out loud, my wife looking at me like I'm a mental. Always had a thing about Lesley Anne Down, but I draw the line at the guitarist from the Corrs

Jimmy James Jameson 7:03 pm, 24-Dec-2012

Big tittied perennially preggers house obsessive Sarah Beeney would get her back doors booted in (tee hee).... Quite obvious though I guess..... So... Joe frost super nanny, anyone?.... Batshit mental Bulgarian chef Silvena Rowe? Would imagine nothing is off limits in the sack with that crazy bitch...., no doubt knock you up a nice goulash after you've finished face fucking her to boot.

Markxist 1:35 pm, 26-Dec-2012

@JJJ Oh God yes Jo Frost! She looks like no stranger to the sexually naughty step!

Richard III 6:28 pm, 25-Feb-2013

carol Kirkwood for the first wank of the day, sarah palin for looks rather than her politics, roz from frazier, no explanation required and Christine Hamilton for full on dominatrix depravity!

Andrew S 12:47 pm, 30-Mar-2013

Princess Anne - not that I want to, but it would make one hell of a story down the pub.

Colonel Willowby-Gore St. Johns 1:13 pm, 22-Jul-2013

The girl from the BT ad is low down, dirty cougar skank, who'll ruin your life, mate.

Kym Crowley 4:56 am, 2-Aug-2013

Lilla from Futurama. Damn!

George Young 5:27 pm, 20-Aug-2013

Looks like they listened to you Richard III, our Carol's gone on the 'more' list.

brian vaughan 1:56 pm, 14-Jan-2014

Lucy kite weather girl central cheeky sparkle and smile. Susanna Reid even if she loves herself and sohper rainsworth but above them all the posh kate bliss. And she would be. I can her her posh voice saying iam arriving instead of coming

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