Seventeen years ago when I went to university the world was a much different place. Everything was free, so it was a great excuse to dick around for three years on the state dollar. It readied you for real life, and it allowed plenty of time to make mistakes like twisting your hair into white man dreadlocks or going to the shops without any shoes on. These are things that the professional world just won’t tolerate. Anyway, in the spirit of giving, and because I’m an expert at watching other people become popular at university, here are some sure-fire things you can do to ensure that absolutely everyone thinks you’re amazing…

Lie about a pretend holiday you had in Amsterdam

So what if the only holidays you’ve been on have been family ones, it’s time to invent a new you. One who’ll be popular. If I cast my mind back through the mists of time, my French camping tales with my parents couldn’t really cut the mustard alongside the cool kids with their supercharged stories of sitting in Amsterdam coffee shops getting blitzed on the good stuff and then writing amazing poetry about it. Poetry like “how now brown… STREETLAMP!” or “Amsterdam, damn, Amster-DAMN!”. Man, those are some crazy fucking poems.

Buy some cheap vinyl records

You’re at university now, it’s time to throw your old JLS tapes out of the window and embrace musical diversity. That means bongos in your bedroom, Legend by Bob Marley on loop, and perhaps a nice little stack of vinyl records. It doesn’t particularly matter what they are, just so long as cool kids can rifle through them, occasionally stopping to examine a Sergio Mendes cover as if they know what the fuck they’re looking at. It makes you seem thrilling, unusual, and a bit other-worldly. Like David Bowie.

Wow them with a miniature smoke factory made up of plastic Coke bottles cut in half and linked by hose pipes all the colours of the rainbow

Smoke marijuana in an unconventional manner

Weed smoking is a big deal at university, it’s unavoidable. At some point, you will be sitting in the corner of the room at a party too scared to move because you think you’ve forgotten how to walk, and your eyelids will be sweating heavily. Just embrace it. And while you’re at it, don’t bore people with your conventional marijuana joints made from Rizlas, instead wow them with a miniature smoke factory made up of plastic Coke bottles cut in half and linked by hose pipes all the colours of the rainbow. After all, the more complicated your method of ingesting light drugs, the cooler you are. It’s simple maths, yo.

Put a provocative poster on your wall

Don’t embarrass yourself by decorating your bedroom with FHM cut-outs of Tulisa looking slutty or a thrilling still of Wayne Rooners doing a goal – what are you, twelve? Your bedroom wall is a window into the mind of this intriguing stranger you’ve become, your new pals need to look at the artwork lining your digs in silent awe. Show them what kind of things you like, plant those seeds of sophistication, suggest that you only watch films marked as “challenging” or “important”. Buy a Taxi Driver poster.

Unfortunately you won’t get much bang for your buck in the “Bohemian Student” section of Marks and Spencers

Get some shit clothes from a charity shop

Unfortunately you won’t get much bang for your buck in the “Bohemian Student” section of Marks and Spencers, so you’re left with two options. Badger your parents for a massive bundle of cash, then run headfirst shrieking through Topshop. Or do what I did and buy what are essentially fancy dress outfits from charity shops. Once in a while you’ll hit a winning combo like a lovely shirt and some very appealing slacks, and the rest of the time you’ll look like an over-privileged prick in a dead man’s trousers. But you know, you’re at uni, it’s hip to be square, geek chic, blah blah. Everyone will love your daring sense of style.

Deify some kind of scuzzy food item

Once you’re in the real world, you’re going to have to think about boring things like balanced diets, and eating vegetables. For now though, you can ride the crest of the wave created by the nation’s new passion for gourmet street food sold from the backs of vans, or from behind wheelie bins. So why not impress your friends by saying things like “Oh man, I found this AMAZING street food place the other day!” or “Seriously, you MUST try one of those weird Vietnamese baguette things with the pate and cucumbers, they’re FUCKING UNBELIEVABLE”? People love food advice, particularly from you. It makes you seem both sexy and knowledgeable.

Pretend to be totally at ease, sexually

Of course, one or two on your course-mates might have been writhing ecstatically with girls for absolutely ages – some of them might even be recently retired porno actors – but on average you’ll probably find that most of your peers have a healthy sense of anxious doom about sex. Hence, it’s your time to step up. Bullshit confidently about vaginal intercourse, speak at length on the importance of mutual satisfaction, suggest that you’ve had numerous partners and definitely know what a clitoris is. Then pretty soon you’ll be doing the wild thing all night long with many many girls. Not nervously vomiting through your hands in a pub because someone just asked you back to theirs.

I trust all of this helps.

Follow Josh on Twitter @joshburt76

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