Hans F Hansen: Scrotum Cream Salesman or The New Hugh Hefner

Famed in the Faroes for scoring against Scotland, the former international footballer now dreams of toppling the Playboy empire.
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Famed in the Faroes for scoring against Scotland, the former international footballer now dreams of toppling the Playboy empire.

“Women are drama. Men are comedy. Couples are thrillers. Gays are sci-fi.”

Hans F Hansen, 2011

The Hans F Hansen story starts in 1976 with the birth of a child in the small Faroe Islands fishing village of Leirvik.

That child is Hans F Hansen.

We move to a football pitch in the nearby town of Toftir. It is 1995 and a floppy-haired Faroe Islands defender heads home a last-minute equaliser against Scotland. It is one of the greatest nights in Faroe Islands’ sporting history.

That floppy-haired defender is Hans F Hansen.

We enter into a new Millennium. It is 2007 and a video appears on You Tube of Pamela Anderson dancing awkwardly at a Los Angeles party with a man who sells shaving cream for testicles.

That scrotum cream seller is Hans F Hansen.

And this brings us to the present day, and the culmination of this remarkable journey.

Because there is more to Hans F Hansen than a small company selling creams for your privates. Hans F Hansen is a one-man-brand. He is an explosion of new thinking. He is a philosopher, a guru, a politician; a radical feminist.

And Hans F Hansen is now ready to change the world. He has declared himself to be the new Hugh Hefner and revealed plans to build a large mansion in America where he will live, surrounded by the Hans F Hansen Dames.

These are women who will be put through specialist training to make them the “Ultimate Power Woman”. In the words of Hans F Hansen: “Guests will be charmed and amazed as these women carry on political conversations, mix delicious drinks, and whip up batches of fat-free cookies.”

But the Hans F Hansen vision goes far beyond good waitress service; he believes that through the worship/ogling of ladies we can create a form of matriarchal utopia in which global warfare and general badness will become outmoded concepts.

It is this breadth of vision which demands we see beyond the fact that Hans F Hansen looks like a cross between Thomas Brolin and former That’s Life presenter Adrian Mills. It demands that we look past the humour caused by his mangled form of Euro speak: “We will celebrate women worldwide with the most sexist party you have ever seen.”

Sure, he could just be a deluded fantasist with an inflated ego and access to way too many management guru books. But if what Hans F Hansen says is true, and it probably is, then he is one of the most important human beings on the planet right now. With this in mind l arranged to speak to Hans F Hansen to find out more about Hans F Hansen.

The Hans F Hansen story begins with football?

Yes, when I was 17 years old I got my first professional contract in Norway and then I played in Denmark and Sweden and Iceland and I was for a time in Scotland. I was also playing for QPR for a moment – many years back.

Then I played for the Faroe Islands national team for 10 years and in one those games I made a goal against Scotland. It was my best moment.

We have blondes, brunettes, Asians, blacks – there will be room for everybody. They don’t need to fit any special size in the bra for me. There’s room for everybody.

How did Hans F Hansen enter into the beauty cream industry?

When I was a young kid I had two dreams; one was to be a football player and the other was to have my own brand – a fashion or beauty brand. But when you think about it that’s a total conflict because a football player who does creams and treatments doesn’t really go hand-in-hand.

The football player is a very masculine world and the cream is very feminine. So I stuck with the football until I was 28 or 29 and I felt my energy was basically running out and I didn’t have that much fun on the football pitch.

When I was travelling with the national team I would just be buying all of these fashion magazines and I didn’t really care about the football.

What is the ambition of Hans F Hansen?

What Hans F Hansen wants is to lift the woman onto this high pedestal – where she belongs.

If you look around the world today and you see that we are involved in all of these wars.  First it was with Bin Laden and then it was Osama and now it’s Gaddafi and there’s always something like this going on.

And then you see what’s happening out on the streets. You see England and these street fights and demonstrations and riots and everything. And I look at this as somebody who has been very macho and masculine and I start to think – hey, who started all of this?

Who started the wars? Who started the fights? Was it women? No. It was men.

And we’re seeing all these gangs out on the streets and it’s always men. If you go out to London or Copenhagen at night then who’s out there fighting drunk? Is it women? No, it’s men.

So my philosophy is that the world is a home and when my mom’s at home there is a loving atmosphere. She puts food on the table and she wants everybody to eat. So if we start to view our world as a home then if the woman is happy then the atmosphere is happy and the world can be happy.

So that’s how women fit into the journey of Hans F Hansen. It’s to bring on a new philosophy and a new mansion and a new entertainment.

What is Hans F Hansen’s ideal woman?

My philosophy is that you can’t measure a woman by her bra size. In the Hans F Hansen world and our universe of entertainment – it’s going to be women of all colours. We have blondes, brunettes, Asians, blacks – there will be room for everybody. They don’t need to fit any special size in the bra for me. There’s room for everybody.

But of course it will be done in a very elegant way.

What plans do you have for the mansion?

We have plans, major plans, and since we launched this we have been bombarded with emails from around the world and most of them totally love the idea. Of course the women love it, for sure, but the other side of it is that the world needs a new entertainment playground.

We need something different because Playboy has been and gone – those days are over for him. The world needs a new mansion; a place to be entertained in in a very beautiful and a very sexy way.

We basically never use the word sex – it is never mentioned in our philosophy.

Where is the mansion going to be?

I don’t want to go public with this yet as we don’t know how the world is going to be in two years from now. Right now, our focus is all over. And I see this as more of a politics thing. It’s almost like running for President for me and we want to take over this entire area of entertainment.

So, who knows; it could be Miami or Las Vegas or it could be New York.

How can people become a part of the Hans F Hansen experience?

Our concept is to hold masked balls around the world. These will be like the movie Eyes Wide Shut. We will also do our own magazine - but this will be done in a totally different way.

It’s crazy because this concept has so many different angles. We will also be opening our own style of Hard Rock Café which will be a masked ball type thing in London and in LA and there will also be one based in the mansion.

Can people enjoy sex at the masked balls?

We basically never use the word sex – it is never mentioned in our philosophy. Because that’s up to the person to get that feeling. We are celebrating women worldwide with these amazing and beautiful masked balls – they will have the best champagne and the best red carpets and everything.

So for these parties all the guys will be dressed up in tuxedos – that’s a must, and the women can dress up however they want. But I know women, and if they feel this atmosphere is allowing them to be, they will be extremely sexy – I know that.

It’s really about creating a playground for women to have fun and for us to watch and enjoy. And the good thing about having the masks on is that anyone can show up.

You are critical of women with ‘plastics’. What is this?

What I mean about plastics is the woman on the streets – she has so much surgery on her face and all over that she doesn’t look like a woman any more. So it’s not about women who have had small things done but it’s when you have a small woman who is very tiny but who has these big implants – it doesn’t make sense.

But I understand women. A friend of mine, for example, she gave birth to three children and she’s totally flat in her chest. And then she gets a normal fill-up of implants – and there’s nothing wrong with that.

It is like with so many actors. There is the guy called Mickey Rourke. What you see now is not the guy. He has had so many changes that he’s not the same guy.

What does the future hold for Hans F Hansen?

The philosophy of Hans F Hansen is that he just wants to make the world better. It is important for me that Hans F Hansen can stand out and make a real difference.

He has full respect for every woman. And of course there’ll be glamour. Of course there’ll be beautiful things and cars.

But it’s more about lifting up. I see myself as a mentor or coach, but I will never be the guy that says look at all the girls I have. Never. But, sure, I love women.

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