Help! Everyone On My Bus Smells Of Piss

We might be in the second decade of the 21st century, yet there are still people who find it fitting to leave the house smelling like a bog. It's just not acceptable...
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We might be in the second decade of the 21st century, yet there are still people who find it fitting to leave the house smelling like a bog. It's just not acceptable...

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For the last 18 months or so I’ve been having the gap year I didn’t get at 18. I didn’t have it then because I was busy overthrowing society by wearing Seditionaries bondage pants and seeing The Clash at the Music Machine, whilst at the same time subverting from within by working as a clerk at NatWest Bank. It was still punk rock because Mick Jones had his account there.

Anyway, at the grand old age of 49 I made up for it and started travelling. I ‘did’ India (and the obligatory ashram), Bali, Singapore, Vietnam, Cambodia, and Thailand more than once. In all of those places I met people who’s average monthly income was roughly the same as a Venti Mocha in Starbucks.

Wherever I went I didn’t meet one single person who had any kind of body odour problem. No matter how poor they were, everyone I came across was clean and smelled clean. I include in that the homeless lady with the twisted leg who lived on North Main Road in Pune who became my mate. Never a whiff, of anything.

So then why is it that since I got back in March, every single time I’ve got on the bus there’s been one person with the most appalling scent? It’s not the same person, I hasten to add! Each bus journey has become an olfactory assault.

every single time I’ve got on the bus there’s been one person with the most appalling scent

I don’t just mean BO though that in itself is offensive enough. It’s also a massive mystery to me how anyone in the UK can have BO when it’s never hot enough to sweat! I’m sitting here with the heating on and several layers of clothes as I type this.

No, it’s not the sweaty pits that’s pissing me off at the moment, it’s the actual smell of piss on my fellow bus riders. It’s not limited to one sex, there’s been as many pissy women as there have been men, and they’re not all the stereotypical “homeless” types either.

They seem to have a habit of sitting next to me, turning me into a squirming mouth breather for the duration of the journey, but not anymore. I don’t care how rude I look, if a pissy-pants sits next to me now I get up and sit somewhere else. Somewhere preferably upwind of the dirty fuckers. To me, they’re the rude ones for inflicting that aroma on us all.

To smell this pissy you would have to bathe in old piss then use a distilled piss essence as perfume

What baffles me is just how they get SO stinky. It’s not just a case of your pelvic floor muscles giving way as you wait for the number 29, this is old piss, concentrated piss. To smell this pissy you would have to bathe in old piss then use a distilled piss essence as perfume, whilst drinking a gallon of it as you get dressed in the clothes you’ve washed in piss.

Now I know times are hard and poverty is on the rise, but a bar of soap costs less than the fare for the bus and they can afford that. I don't believe its about being poor before you all start hating on me. Maybe it's a fetish thing. Maybe it's the new Lynx body spray. Gawd knows what's causing it, but I'm not looking forward to summer!

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