Help! I'm Addicted To Dance Offs

Nobody is safe, whether you're young, old, fat thin, male or female, I will try and have a dance off with you whether you like it or not.
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Nobody is safe, whether you're young, old, fat thin, male or female, I will try and have a dance off with you whether you like it or not.

When I was younger I always wanted to be a dancer, well, this isn’t strictly true, I always wanted to be the 6th member of the Spice Girls but after numerous attempts at contacting their management I knew this would always be just a bit of a pipe dream. So, I had to settle for the next best thing to being a Spice Girl or being a dancer (I’m basically too fat to be a professional) : entering into dance off’s with random strangers at any given opportunity.

It all started a couple of years ago, I was at a party when low and behold in walked a large group of break dancers. They were busting out all the moves, popping and locking like there was no tomorrow and I suddenly had a brilliant thought. Sidling over with all the swagger of a Mick Jagger impersonator I said with as much cool as I could muster “Dance off boys?”, obviously it probably wasn’t very cool at all seeing as I had been drinking all afternoon and no one ever really says that kind of thing in real life.

What followed should probably never have been mentioned again, of course being extremely big headed I talk about it all the time, highlight of my year and all that. The shoes came off, then the rather cute shirt I had been wearing so that eventually I was just left in leggings and a strap top which, if you kind of squinted your eyes, I believed, looked like an all in one leotard and if Lady Gaga has taught us anything it’s that people always look their best when dancing in an all in one leotard.

Luckily after several hours some (very kind) person changed the music and the dance off was called off but for me it was just the beginning.

I took on the men one by one, I’m not really sure what I was doing, but there was certainly a lot of swinging of the arms, legs and hips involved. It is important to note that I had up until the age of 18 been training as a dancer, this is not something you would have been able to recognise watching my performance that day. Luckily after several hours some (very kind) person changed the music and the dance off was called off but for me it was just the beginning.

I’d had a taste of the limelight and I wanted more. From then on at any event I could be found strutting my stuff, usually on some sort of a stage or raised platform. If I could find a stage or raised platform I would just exaggerate all of my movements so that people would pay more attention to me. It’s become a well known fact among friends that if they want to get a stage filled up with dancers I shall be the one encouraging people to get up there – as long as they leave a good  couple of square metres around me for my moves of course.

No longer do I even bother to ask people for a dance off, now I just use my finger to beckon them over in a sort of come hither manner. If they don’t actually come hither then I will just dance over to them, bumping and grinding like an extra from an Another Level video circa 1997. Sometimes I will get a little irritated, I mean why would someone not want to ‘dance off’ with me? I will slur at them from across the room, finger pointed, “Yooouuuuu, youuuuuuuu, you just know I will beat you” I will then do some sort of elongated routine, most likely stolen from a Jennifer Lopez video just to prove to them just how good I am at dancing.

See for most people they would find this embarrassing and/or off putting but for me in my amazingly deluded world I just carry on doing it, believing beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am basically the best dancer in the universe and it’s only a matter of time before I am “spotted” and whisked off to become the next JLS backing dancer or um, something. So, if you ever happen to end up at a party with me, see if you can take me on, this isn’t a challenge it’s an order because let’s not lie even if you don’t want to I’m going to do it anyway.

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