Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?

How Sex And The City Made Me An Existentially Vacuous C*nt

by Jenni Davies
20 May 2013 47 Comments

Jenni Davies tried out every Sex and the City character from Carrie, to Samantha, Charlotte and finally Miranda but did it make her happy? With a wardrobe full of SATC knock-offs and an overdraft bigger than Manhattan the reality of living as a New York wannabe isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Winning entrant of the Blind Stylist of the Year Award

I live in a flat I can’t afford. I have a walk in wardrobe full of Patricia Field inspired Primark. I smoke and think it’s cool as I slag off men to women scoffing with empathetic laughter. I openly discuss menstruation cycles, weight gain, weight loss and ingrown hair inflicted nipple-scabs. I also make a point of always rushing through congested high streets, coyly smiling at every businessman I serendipitously bump into. Closeness with my female friends is paramount; I’ll often reinforce friendships, this will usually involve asking for assistance in removing a used condom from the depths of my cervix.

I live by the testaments of SJP. I change my email signature to JRD and ask my hairdresser to make me blonde. He refuses so I purchase a box of hair dye with what could be a picture of Carrie on the front. Within 3 weeks I suffer from such extreme hair loss I’m forced to have a Simon Cowell crop. Astonished to discover you can have real Swedish children’s hair melted onto yours for a reasonable 150quid per square inch, my depression subsides. I call Steve at Lloyds TSB and soon find myself sipping on a skinny latte to digest that my agreed overdraft doesn’t cover the cost of my scalp’s surface area. Luckily, the use of wigs and hair pieces are becoming commonplace among fashionistas - if it’s good enough for Lady Gaga and Cheryl Cole it’s good enough for JRD. I now have long plastic hair, but haunted by my gay best friend’s observations “Your legs look like they have no blood running through them” I know it’s time to up my game. After all, how could I wear miniskirts in the snow without an all-American tan? Within days I’m reciting “it’s not jaundice, it’s Johnson’s Holiday Skin” to passers-by as I chain-smoke on my doorstep. Yellow and bald I retreat indoors, whimsically looking out of my sash window (just like hers). The phone doesn’t ring, the girls don’t arrive unexpectedly with comedy porn and take-away noodles. I’m all alone clothed in some bloke’s shirt and a pearl necklace. As fag ash drops to my laptop I come to accept I can never be a Carrie due to the width of my thighs.

Instead of empowerment I get piles from too much anal sex.

Perhaps I’d got it all wrong. Maybe I am a Sam. She has a healthier sized arse teamed with relatively small tits, she also shares my passion for red lipstick. I embark on promiscuous sex with a midget magazine editor, a tycoon 30years my senior and a freshly shaven property developer. Instead of empowerment I get piles from too much anal sex. Being a filthy bitch stretches me to my limits, maybe being conservatively Charlotte is more ‘me’.

Charlotte being a pro-life-type, I dispose of the pile of morning-after pill packets I’d kept in good supply, with much deliberation. She’s bang into adoption and kids ‘n stuff, so I adopt a donkey and donate 5quid by text to Children in Need. I shop in Next Home and Homebase, building up a collection of lamps, cushions and plants which seamlessly help in creating my guise as a ‘good wife’ type. I find myself settled in a rural two up two down, pretending I’ve come off the pill and vigorously researching the possibilities of hiring an allotment locally. Feeling bipolar as I cook real fish in the oven, I pine for change, liberation, trousers and my very own man bag. I cry into my pillow just like Charlotte does. ‘You’ve never been popular’ the voices in my head tell me. ‘You are Miranda, the power-hungry ginger bitch-faced real-life lesbian’. But I don’t like the idea of putting my face in a woman’s fanny. ‘How could I be Miranda?’ I ask, before reality hits me like a donkey punch. It doesn’t matter that in real life she is a muff diver, on telly she is the embodiment of girl power…

I play Miranda’s role with ease. Chewing up and spitting up ugly men everywhere. I thrive on paying my own way (spiraling into debt), frequently chatting up barmen wearing glasses hoping they’ll be ‘the one’. They aren’t. I’ve become a dyke alcoholic in a grey suit? How was I to get sex in the city in this state, without bending over for barristers? Where did it all go wrong?

And so I revert to my old ways, the HSamuel ‘Jenni’ necklace reemerges, the Manhattan-inspired Matalan dress is back over my unavoidably visible polyester bra, and most importantly, the chunky orange legs are out. This is dedication. I suck up a Long Island Iced Tea cocktail with a bunch of witches I like to cackle over cock with, and we spend a long-awaited evening gouging each other for gossip, laughing ‘til we fart, hiccupping little bits of sick and slapping on each other’s lip-glosses all night to make sure we all look fuckable enough to draw in all the bastards who we’ll soon regurgitate if they dare to do anything other than worship us on our New York-themed Wetherspoons night out.

Drunk and borderline personality disordered I air-kiss the gals goodbye before whistling for a cab. It doesn’t work, so I keep it real and walk home past a few blocks [of council flats] and eventually collapse onto my bed. Boy oh boy, this glamorous city life can be tiresome! I reflect how Carrie and I are the same people, it just so happens I was born in Wales. Her words ring through my head: ‘I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love’. This was my cue to contact my true love, the man who was always there to flatter and/or reject me in times of realisation that I’ve become an existentially vacuous cunt. But who should I call? I have nine entries for ‘Mr. Big’ in my phonebook and not one of them will remember who I am.

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

Natchan 1:11 pm, 27-May-2010

OMG! ROTFLMAO!

Dean Cavanagh 6:53 pm, 27-May-2010

Brilliant! I'd pay to see this.

Gillian 9:10 pm, 27-May-2010

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!! You look like you haven't got any blood running through your legs....ha, check. Laughing until you do little farts and hiccup some sick....haha, check. Researching allotments....check. Brillliant JRD! x... See more I'd really like some swedish childrens melted hair if you can get some : )

Alice 9:59 pm, 27-May-2010

Excellent - Love it, very funny... wanna read more x

Elizabeth 10:17 pm, 27-May-2010

Lol lol lol!!! All too true for words! Loving it! Xxx

cassie 5:47 pm, 28-May-2010

wow! i want to read your book! Please say you have one

tia 6:24 pm, 31-May-2010

This is absolutely the funniest thing I've read all year!

lauren 4:33 pm, 3-Jun-2010

Brilliant. Keep the columns coming. You're so much funnier than self-absorbed, whiny Carrie x

Leyton rocks 12:39 pm, 8-Sep-2010

As a man I think I missed something as I lost any sense of a point to this garbled diatribe

Phil 2:40 pm, 7-Feb-2011

As a man: The point is that women see CATC characters as aspirational when infact they are far better off just being themselves...superb writing that made me ROLF and MAO, whoever they are.

Jenni Davies 8:07 pm, 7-Feb-2011

ROLF! That made me laugh.

Stuart Roy Clarke 9:46 pm, 7-Feb-2011

Found this quite touching. Possesses that warmth. It's not cynical. May not be the real Jenni Davies but she's got into a character

chirag thakrar 9:14 pm, 18-Feb-2011

So the film is shit? kidding.....great article, i feel bad for your cervix.

Lowri 1:51 pm, 23-Feb-2011

Fucking BRILLIANT. (oh dear. you seem to have stumbled upon humour a smidge too advanced @Leyton rocks)

Jenni Davies 2:06 pm, 23-Feb-2011

Leyton no like garbled cervical diatribe. Non. Tried to think of a follow up... How Skins turned me into a bisexual faux-teenager? How Lord of the Rings turned me into an aspirational homeless-in-the-hills midget? How Gok turned me into a pair of curtains? Endless possibilities for my writing career. Endless.

Leyton rocks 2:55 pm, 23-Feb-2011

Career? How very bold ... Best of luck

Jenni Davies 3:10 pm, 23-Feb-2011

I'll leave it to the Jury.

Eden 10:03 pm, 23-Feb-2011

Bitter much?

chirag thakrar 12:39 am, 24-Feb-2011

ouch...I think your next Article should be about how anonymity on the internet allows people to be pricks.

Jenni Davies 12:45 am, 24-Feb-2011

Know what you mean. Let's settle this - if either person would like to be as opinionated to my face, please feel free to call me on 07749 450454 or email me directly on [email protected] I will respond to any genuine emails or calls with any genuine criticisms regarding this piece. Sincerely, Jenni

Gillian 12:54 am, 24-Feb-2011

Leyton'rocks'? How very bold....best of luck

Lisa 4:38 pm, 10-Jun-2011

That made me laugh,enjoyed that,I think i could be all four women, Ive a job in fashion like C, fall for twats,skinny ass but got fed up of having no tits,( till paying that loan off, thought i might find some prem footballer to pay for them, but no! )I'm very Anal like C ,no man would ever live with me, and speaking of anal.. Ive been a downright tramp like S,but did it with class, and well M,like the idea,but lack the guts, Ive no Mr Big's left in my black book,They see me more as Carrie,the horror flick, than SJP's.So I gave up,now Im palming myself off as Jennifer Anistone sluttier sis, but jesus, its bloody hard work looking natural!,once again great aticle enjoyed it.

Jenni Davies 8:01 am, 11-Jun-2011

I think most girls are more Carrie-horror flick than SJP, love. Then again, most girls don't have a crew of professionals to make them up to look like they have no make up on 'The Make-Under'. I don't think Carrie gets ready for work by scrambling around in her wardrobe on all fours trying to separate what's clean and what's dirty. Ha. Enough said!

Nick 9:17 pm, 4-Oct-2011

Absolutely brilliant. I will marry you if you like

Eddie Heaven 11:32 pm, 4-Oct-2011

J J J Jenni ....aaaaoooow! High funf. You're a clever girl. Have to say i enjoy reading your stuff. Think you've got some mileage with this lark. Best of luck pal. Look forward to the next one.

Russ 12:26 am, 5-Oct-2011

Glad this has come up again. Brilliant piece.

Bastien 3:33 am, 5-Oct-2011

Brilliant writing. None of the four ever demonstrated your wit and humor. On second though, your Samantha with Miranda's acid tongue. I suggest you ignore your Mr. Big contacts and scroll down to Steve. At this point, you're cool with infidelity, right?

natasha 2:17 pm, 5-Oct-2011

Great article! x

Rob 4:58 pm, 6-Oct-2011

Is it just me who actually thought about texting to ask her out, Jenni is funny as!

Leonie Brown 6:08 pm, 6-Nov-2011

That was properly funny. Thank you Jenni - I hate SATC with the fire of a thousand suns, glad I'm not the only non-worshipper!

Jenni 3:03 pm, 16-Nov-2011

Awww, you guys! You're making me vom. Cute. x

Cuse 9:16 am, 27-Feb-2012

Brilliant article. I once had the misfortune of sharing 6 months of my life with a SATC hound. I didn't realise until 3 months in. Apparently, real women are the ones who make copious notes of each episode's script to regurgitate back in amusing social situations. They also photograph the TV screen to make chronicles of "must-have" fashions. And guys are there purely to be objectivised in whatever sordid descriptions that would make even men who read Nuts feel ashamed.

Jenni 9:29 am, 27-Feb-2012

Photographing the TV for fashion memos! Love it. Very Shit Girls Say.

tinie 10:23 am, 27-Feb-2012

Excessive use of the word cunt by women is very unattractive. Seems like you're trying too hard..

Jenni 2:04 pm, 27-Feb-2012

Totes, Tinie babes, I've stopped saying it now. I'm all grown up.

Lisa 4:44 pm, 27-Feb-2012

This is still funny to read after all this time,still a great article. Wish I could say the same for my comment back in june,god I can write some crap at times Anal, Tramp,Sluttier sis.. my mother will be turning in her grave with sheer contempt(and the same look..of distaste..)..looking forward to more of your stuff

johnnyw 10:41 am, 28-Feb-2012

get writing, there's a film in there

Harry Paterson 12:44 pm, 28-Feb-2012

Excellent. Sharp, witty and insightful. Possibly even better than all that, though; extremely well-written. Nice one.

j-woww 1:02 am, 2-Mar-2012

needs to be more subtle and less brash/ghastly. real writers don't need to make lewd references or swear in order to evoke their readers. need more room for ambiguity.

Jenni 9:16 am, 2-Mar-2012

J-Woww, the brash tone, use of swearing and lewd language is very deliberate on this occasion. It's a big part of the point I'm making about us women and the things we do... in searching for identity, I guess. But thanks for the comment, I can see how you'd come to that opinion, I feel the same about comedians who swear a lot.

Jenni 9:52 am, 2-Mar-2012

Ps I just read it through with your comment in mind. There's no actual swearing in the body of the piece (apart from maybe 2 bitches & a cock). That is all.

j-woww1 3:14 pm, 2-Mar-2012

'vacuous cunt' 'fuckable' 'filthy bitch' 'nipple scabs', you may be an intelligent and witty person but your vulgar writing doesn't communicate that. Try creating subtle metaphors and analogies that make the reader think, your writing reminds me of a crass and frankly rubbish american film that fills in all the voids for its audience as it doesn't think they have the mental capacity to do it for themselves. But perhaps thats what the sabotage times audience wants.

Jenni 8:58 pm, 2-Mar-2012

Nipple scabs. Haha. This piece obviously isn't for you, and that's okay. If we all liked the same things we'd be absolutely fucked. Oops, sorry Sir.

Becca 11:20 am, 7-Jan-2013

"Your writing reminds me of a crass...American film that fills in all the voids for its audience as it doesn't think they have the mental capacity to do it for themselves" Is this a rave review? As commentary on a (frankly brilliant) parody of an American sitcom-turned-movie and its prescriptive effect on its viewers behaviour, surely what J-woww is trying to say here is "Really, spot on. Even as a man who essentially misses the point and fancies themselves as an esteemed literary critic you've managed to invoke in me the feeling on being dictated to by even the most 'empowered' female stereotypes, and you've shed true light on the ultimate futility of any attempt to emulate them. GREAT FUCKING JOB JENNI! p.s don't worry about the swearing, I totally get that its a literary device intended to replicate the tone of the show in question. or maybe they are just some words, whatevs" No? no...

Ryan 2:57 pm, 20-May-2013

As a man who is regularly forced through a sitting of 'SATC', I am going to imagine this happening every single time.

vual grimoire 11:05 am, 24-May-2013

Of those four, the older blonde cougarish chick, she's the only one I'd bother putting any serious ass into - like really making an effort to slam her. Carrie, forget it. She's a dog and she can't shut up. The 30 year old virgin, whatever her name is, acting like she's a 12 year old prom queen or whatevs, forget it. You just KNOW she'd be hopeless, needing endless romanzo bollocks. And the redhead... maybe. I get the feeling that once I got a leash on her, she'd be down for some good pervy shit, a nice spankin waking her up, gettin her on a roll. But overall, they're like a bunch of over the hill high school girls who never quite matured into actual women. And everybody knows, if you wanna get down to some legitimate private adult entertainment, you gotta get with a woman, not some neurotic middle class girl.

Adele 9:48 pm, 26-May-2013

This is great! Funny and honest. Keep them coming.

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