How To Cook Like A Caveman

Trying to steal Betty away from Barney? These ribs could be just what you need...
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Trying to steal Betty away from Barney? These ribs could be just what you need...

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“Have you had an accident that wasn’t your fault?

If so, you could be entitled to full injury compensation.”

It’s a common advertisement, but one that echoes back millions of years. As children, we were all witness to history’s first blatant disregard for health and safety in the traumatic closing credits of The Flintstones. On an ordinary Saturday evening in Bedrock, disaster strikes for Fred and his family when they stop off at Bronto Burgers and Ribs for a mammoth rack of ribs which literally tips the car on its side. Thankfully, despite the broken bones, concussion, vet bills and resulting lawsuits, we know that all will eventually be ok. Because back in those days there was bound to be a trashcan pelican or a wise cracking baby elephant to vacuum up the mess.

Today, things have changed. The ribs are smaller and no matter how hard we try, our toes won’t twinkle like a piano when we go bowling. But this first point is great news. Because it means we can all enjoy delicious pork ribs without a care in the world. So if you’ve worked your ass off all week inventing the wheel, treat yourself to this Stone-Age delight. Bronto’s actual recipe has obviously been lost in the pages of time, but here’s how they probably did it, based on the paleo diet of our Neanderthal ancestors

-       Stick one kg of pork ribs in a bag with dried thyme, sea salt, chopped onion, chilli flakes, black pepper, smashed garlic, nutmeg, coriander seeds, fennel seeds, cumin, a splash of water and some olive oil.

-       Don’t ask about quantities, because the real caveman way is all about experimenting and inventing.

-       Let it marinate for at least an hour, though overnight is best

-       Then, on that one day during summer when the sun is shining, get out the charcoal barbeque and cook them over fire until crispy and full of smoky goodness.

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If you want to, add a bit of honey to make them sticky. I didn’t put it in the main recipe because there is no historical evidence (aka Flintstones episodes) that suggest cavemen actually knew about honey. Also, if you really like things spicy you can add fresh chillies. But considering how messy these things are already you might not want to add burning lips and watering eyes to your list of problems.

Try these ribs at your next gathering. They’re great for sharing with your guests and a good excuse to make friends with your neighbours.

Especially if your neighbour looks like Betty Rubble.

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