How To Steal From A Shit Job

Because fuck spending your time getting paid peanuts so wankers can get rich.
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Because fuck spending your time getting paid peanuts so wankers can get rich.

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As Bukowski once said,

“How in the hell could a man enjoy being awakened at 8:30 a.m. by an alarm clock, leap out of bed, dress, force-feed, shit, piss, brush teeth and hair, and fight traffic to get to a place where essentially you made lots of money for somebody else and were asked to be grateful for the opportunity to do so? ”

Exactly. Time is our most precious commodity. We’ve only got about 70 years, 80 if we’re lucky, so why spend it grinding down our spirits, day after day with the prospect of slightly more money the only thing to look forward to? Of course, that’s the sort of thing we have to do if we want to have nice cars, houses, kids etc. I’m not trying to quote the Trainspotting poster here, I’d very much like to choose a house and choose nice clothes to wear, all I’m trying to say is, working some shit dead-end job for someone else is not the way to do it. Eventually, eventually, you might make it to the big leagues, but at what cost to your personal happiness?

We need to make things happen in our lives, but sometimes we get stuck for a while and have to work a crap job. Of course you’d get paid for hanging about somewhere for 8 hours a day, doing some menial and trivial task over and over, but that doesn’t mean you’re being compensated for your time. What you need to do is half inch a few items, make use of the old five-finger discount, rob your employers blind, from the inside. Here’s how.

Warehouse

This one’s pretty obvious. Wharehouses are full of loads of stealable shit. If it’s a wholesale wharehouse (where small shops go to buy their stock in bulk) you’ll have a field day. Drop a box of 40 mars bars on the floor as you put it on the shelf, pocket one, and there you go. Sorted. Basically, whatever you want to eat is yours for the taking. Working in the run up to Christmas? It’s basically a free-for all where boxes of chocolate go missing left right and centre. During the Great Wispa Gold Shortage of '08 I had 3 boxes of Thorntons alone. It was mayhem.

Fast Food Joint

Let’s say you work in a fast food restaurant where you spend all day frying chicken. That’s great, we all love chicken. Chances are though; the people you work with might not be the most ‘stimulating’ characters and you might find your days dragging along with only the midday rush providing any sort of dynamic. To remedy this, you need to have a good think about what you can steal, then start doing it. Food is the obvious choice, so find those dark corners where the security cameras can’t see you and get chomping. The second best bet is short-changing customers and during post-football rush hours when everyone just wants to get home, you shouldn’t have a problem pocketing the odd 50p.

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Restaurant

The most obvious scam to run in a restaurant is something with vouchers. Obviously, different places have different ways of doing things, but in general, you can get away with putting vouchers through on the till, then keeping the cash, or under charging the customer, putting the voucher through and keeping the extra cash. Other opportunities for theft can crop up on the closing shift when the bar is left unattended and the manager is away cashing up. The main thing here is to pour yourself a few sly half pints and get cunted while you wait for the last few customers to fuck off home.

Clothes Shop

Fucking hell. Is there anything more pretentious than those clothes shops where everyone thinks they’re a model and its so dark you have to set fire to a stack of jeans just to be able to see? Steal everything you can from the cunts. If you’re working front of store, you shouldn’t have a problem finding a dark corner to stuff some t-shirts down your grundies. In the back of the store, it’s all about stealing from the delivery boxes. Grab a jumper before you put the security tags on, then either go to the toilet and stick it on under your shirt, or throw it out with the cardboard boxes and come and collect it later. OBVIOUSLY, don’t sell it on eBay under your own name.

Bar

Charles Bukowski also said, ‘Never get out of bed before noon’. In which case, a bar job seems to be the best shout of the lot. In many ways they are. Think about it: it’s busy as fuck and all the customers are twatted. Obviously, you’ll get a few free drinks off arseholed customers and you can slide your mates some free drinks. Where this job comes into its own is around 1.30am when the bar is at its busiest and the customers haven’t started to sober up/become aggressive. This is the time to over charge customers and pocket the extra/keep their change. You should easily be able to pocket an extra £20 a night doing this. If you’re getting tired of this, head down to the cellar and crack open a beer.

*Note Sabotage Times does not endorse theft, stealing, or hi-jinx of any kind.*