Firstly prepare your ritual space. You will need a non-absorbent floor surface so a kitchen or utility room is ideal but do make sure the washing machine or dryer are not operating as this can disrupt the aura of the Dark One.
Now mark out a nine foot pentagram (a five-pointed star circumscribed by a circle, use the string as a compass) in virgins blood (red chalk is adequate) with black candles placed at all the points.
The circle must be drawn anti clockwise – clockwise you get God and he’s going to see all this stuff on the floor and know exactly what you’re up to – Awkward.
If your kitchen is smaller than nine foot, a mini pentagram of six hundred and sixty six millimetres will suffice and you can use those tiny birthday cake candles (black if you can find them - not pink) although you may find any apparitions of Lucifer the Dark Sentinel may appear smaller and therefore less impressive.
Next place a microwave oven at the centre; this will become clear when the Beloved Arch Daemon of Black Magick himself later manifests.
n.b. Do move any pets into another room.
Once that is all in place, gather several objects of satanic sacrament that will help to command before you the Guardian of Unfathomable Evil:
1. A ‘Scrying’ mirror in which to witness the face of Lucifer, the Denizen of Chaos. This black mirror must ideally be made from pure Obsidian stone polished to a mirror finish on the buttocks of fallen angels, but I find you can use a black plastic bowl full to the brim with flat cola as long as you immerse foul and petulant herbs in it such as Mugwort, Blatchweed or Monksbinde (but you can substitute Tarragon, Sage or Smoked Paprika from the kitchen spice rack).
2. Fresh blood and quill (I often substitute a red Biro as it can be easier to handle in a cloud of brimstone smoke).
3. A sheaf of goatskin parchment upon which to write your pact (or similar A4 foolscap).
4. A giant serpents skin (any cheap snakeskin purse will meet our requirements here).
5. The next object is a little trickier to come by: The severed hand of a virgin - now it must be the freshly severed left hand from a proper virgin, not just one that tells you she is. It will take some effort to get hold of but you really can’t skimp here. Immerse in a Tupperware bowl of putrid liquid sulphur and place to one side.
6. Lube (Liberally, in and around all orifices, trust me, you’ll see why later).
Once fully prepped, wait until the sixth hour of darkness on the sixth day of the sixth month, making sure there is also a full moon. This could take months so forward planning is key.
Take care to be correctly attired: You must be fully ‘skyclad’ (naked) under black robes (a navy dressing gown is fine). Briefs underneath are a big no no.
Now write your pact in your own blood. This can be anything you like but do try to make it something dark, evil and Satanish or he simply won’t come. Perhaps renounce God’s paradise and surrender your mortal soul to enter into the black book of death, in return for untold riches, rank and the carnal pleasure of maidens (or men)?
There’s no such thing as a free lunch in this world or the next so you will also have to offer something in return as we all know, the Devil will have his due. However, if your soul feels like too big a step this first time, perhaps fetch the pet from the other room again and offer theirs instead.
OK! You are all set to bring forth Lucifer the Spirit of Invisible Tyranny to do your bidding!
At exactly the demonic hour (many confuse this with the witching hour of midnight but it is in fact 3am, opposite of the time of Christ’s death of 3pm), light the black candles and pop the sulphur dipped hand into the microwave for three and a half mins at full power (850kw) and sit in the circle focusing on the dark energy of invocation and chanting the following Cabala:
I invoke you, ye glorious regal and majestic holy one in mighty splendour!! Murk enwrapped haunter of sky-depths! Flame-fanning terror despot and heart-crushing daemon of cults! Ruler of beasts! Invincible Satan! Demonstrate thy deformed and comely shape here before *insert your name here* on this dreaded day of final judgement! By the omen! By the name of the beloved author of all sin!
At this point take the Tupperware of pungent sulphur smoking hand from the microwave and use the fish slice to offer it upwards to eternal darkness taking care any hot drips miss your wailing mouth. You may need tongs.
The next part is where it gets tricky; still holding the hand, you must now throw off your robes to reveal your nudity and smear virgin hand blood onto your bare breast. The time has come to recite the second and most important chanted invocation. Cabala 2. However, this exists only in Hebrew script so I cannot reproduce it here as it’s not on my keyboard so you'll just have to make do (Google translate?).
That sorted and all being well, it is at this point that the Great Dark Lord of Eternal Damnation ought to make himself apparent, or failing that his administrative assistant Beelzebub, so make plenty of room in your fiery pentangle as you don’t want him up on the food surfaces.
Look for him only via his reflection in the Obsidian mirror or Cola bowl until you see the face of the Anti-Christ. He will then ask you to break the seal nine times and pass through the eight doors before the dragon, each door having two keys; one of air and one of matter but both are the same thing. His words may be backwards which takes a little getting used to but you can work it out if you make notes with the Biro.
Place the key made of matter (obvs) on the serpents skin (or purse) in the direction of the rising sun and mark the sign of Saturn on its belly (turn the purse over) perhaps with the fish slice or you can again use the Biro, but remembering all the time you now represent the creature with its tail in its mouth encircling the cosmic labyrinth of Hell itself.
You should then find the enigma of the word. Wrap this along with the severed virgins hand in your goatskin (or paper) pact and seal it with blood before handing (no pun intended) this over to the Devil. You must then commune with him which can be excruciating hence all the lube but then, subject to his final judgement, you’re done!
n.b. Do watch out for any codicil or caveats in the contract as the Bringer of all Evil is devilishly renowned for catching people out and condemning them to suffer a tormented and everlasting living death in Hell etc.
After all that you may well feel quite exhausted so it’s fine to leave the kitchen mess until morning but do tidy away the sulphur before going to bed as you don’t want to come down to a smelly kitchen.
With the dawn of the next day you should find that your terrestrial life has changed, although of course it may only be the life of your pet that is altered, who you may now notice has red eyes and is able to fornicate hourly with anything that takes his fancy including you.
‘Mystic’ Mike Fairbrass @MrMysticMike