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How To Talk Like People On The Internet

by Tim Bradley
10 April 2014 14 Comments

YOLO, Like A Boss and 'what the actual fuck' don't make you cool - you just come across as a t**t. The internet is full of cretinous, thundering morons; here's how to fit in with them.

Now that the ‘internet’ or ‘the web’ is fairly popular, you’re going to want to know what kind of things you should be typing if you don’t want to look like a ‘dick’ or a ‘noob’ on cool websites like Facebook, Twitter, Bebo or Friends Reunited or YouPorn. Well never fear, because here’s a handy cut out and keep guide to the top ten phrases you should be using when you’re ‘posting stuff online’ to make sure you’re one of the gang. That way you won’t get cyber-bullied and end up hanging yourself live on MSN messenger.

1. ‘Wow, just wow’

This is something you should type on a website when you’re surprised about something you’ve just read, in order to express your ‘surprise’. While people in the real world would say something like ‘fucking hell’ to express surprise, you’re not in the real world, you’re on the internet. So make sure you use an annoying phrase like this in order to feel more accepted.

2. A ‘something’ KLAXON

This is a ‘hilarious’** way to tell people that you’ve just seen something or someone on TV that you’re excited about, but you need to find the most irritating way possible to do it. Simply write something like **Elf on BBC1 KLAXON**’ onto twitter and sit smugly in the knowledge that you’re now an annoying prick.

**fucking stupid

3. ‘That awkward moment when…’

This phrase is used by people on ‘the net’ to inform other people on ‘the net’ that they’ve just done something stupid like accidentally fucked their own Dad or murdered someone. It’s just about the most annoying phrase ever invented, so it’s perfect for online speak. For example: “that awkward moment when you realise you’ve just written ‘that awkward moment when’ and you’re therefore now an arsehole and you should kill yourself”

4. ‘Just spat coffee on my computer screen’

People on the internet write this to tell other folk that they’ve just read something and laughed suddenly. Anyone who has ever written this is lying; they weren’t drinking coffee, they certainly didn’t spit any of it on a computer screen, and in fact what they did was almost smile and then typed ‘just spat coffee on my computer screen’. And then masturbated.


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5. ‘YOLO’
Meaning ‘you only live once’

Use this if you’re a confused adolescent/someone desperate to seem ‘with it’. Try using it in real life rather than online and see what happens. “Sir, I am arresting you on suspicion of the abduction and murder of a minor. You do not have to say anything, although if you do say anything it may harm your defence when questioned in court at a later date. Do you understand?”


6. ‘THIS >>>’

An inexplicable thing to write when drawing other people’s attention to something mildly amusing/interesting (but usually not) on the internet. Used next to a ‘link’ which is a thing highlighted in blue that you click on to be taken to a photo of a cat looking pissed off with something like ‘I need a coffee’ written on the bottom of it. Or something equally as fucking vacuous.


Instead of writing this, you can simply put ‘IAMACUNT’ and it will have the same effect.


Sigh. This was a moderately amusing sketch on Saturday Night Live FIVE YEARS AGO. It is now used by people to tell other people that they did something ‘good’. For instance: “just managed to die of old age before all the accusations of me touching kids up on a live music show on telly in the 1970s came to light LIKE A BOSS”

9. ‘You win the internet’

When someone puts up a video on youtube of someone swallowing tablespoons of cinnamon while ice skating and lip-synching to Call Me Maybe, somebody will say ‘you win the internet’ despite the fact that everyone knows the internet is an imaginary series of tubes and therefore can no more be ‘won’ than you could win the fucking moon.

10. ‘what the actual fuck’

Again, perfect for expressing mock surprise at something you’re not really surprised about in the slightest, but when you want to do it using a sentence that makes no sense whatseover simply because you’ve seen other people use it on the internet. As in ‘What the actual fuck makes me think I’m better than everyone else simply because I have access to a laptop and the DVD boxset of Homeland?

Remember, when you’re writing stuff on the internet you must always adopt a slightly superior/patronising tone that conveys how you’re apparently the authority on fucking everything, despite the fact you’re not at all. Have fun!

This article originally appeared on We Are Right About Everything

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image descriptionCOMMENTS

Trollolololol 10:11 am, 24-Jan-2013


John 10:41 am, 24-Jan-2013

Very good, but you forgot the worst of them all: 'Switswoo' - a rough onomatopoeiac representation of a wolf whistle, which indicates the user's willingness to be punched repeatedly in the face.

@death_stairs 3:34 pm, 24-Jan-2013

Very good; agree with all those. I'd add: "THIS IS ALL SORTS OF AWESOME" - just fuck off.

Bob 5:39 pm, 24-Jan-2013

I see your point but you just come accross as a smug hipster twunt. #justsayin (See what I did there? Yeah, you jelly)

Quaddie 7:34 pm, 24-Jan-2013

Where is 'LOL'? They are never laughing when they 'LOL'. The bastards.

beepsandblips 10:57 am, 1-Apr-2013

Chuck Norris couldn't have beaten this for winningness. That being said, he probably could.

sassy 3:31 pm, 7-Apr-2013

Omg! Hashtagging anything, esp. when It's NOT Twitter, and that "just saying" one .... F*cking annoying! I love you, Bob! No homo.

steve 10:02 am, 13-Aug-2013

a mate of mine called lawrence (lol) for short texted me after my brother died and said sorry to here the bad news hope ur Ok Lol....i could still see the funny side .........

Georgie 2:05 pm, 10-Apr-2014

'That is all.' receives a vom-worthy mention...

Madill 2:16 pm, 10-Apr-2014

Bravo. Just snotted coffee all over my screen.* *FUCKING LIES

jim 3:07 pm, 10-Apr-2014

"This is a thing" "This happened" Both lazy derivative crap but for pure thoughtless, trite bollocks: "thoughts with the family at this difficult time." If you really cared you might have thought of your own words.

Marcus 3:36 pm, 10-Apr-2014

You know when you agree with something. That. (c*nts)

Molly Sugden 11:31 pm, 21-May-2014

ZOMG, this article is totes amazeballs. I totally heart #sabotagetimes *insert mindless stream of emoticons*

a random hobo 5:39 am, 24-Jul-2014

Very true. Though you forgot the dumb saying "totes ma goats" or the retarded "ermagherd" shit

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