Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?Sabotage Times, We can't Concentrate so Why Should You?

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How To Throw A Kid's Party

by Lucy Sweet
19 October 2013 8 Comments

It's all about cranking up the booze and binning the organic snacks, with these five simple rules for throwing a hassle free kids party.

I went to a children’s party yesterday, which is why I look like this. This time, the hosts got it right - lots of adults, abundant booze, children of similar ages, and a raffle in which I won a bottle of home-brewed gin which could remove a stubborn Ben 10 sticker from a wardrobe door. But oh, it could have so easily gone the other way. That’s why before you throw a kids party, you need to observe these simple rules.

1. DON’T DO IT FOR THE KIDS

Children’s parties are not about kids. They’re about parents needing to Get Out Of The House. (Unless you hold the party, in which case they’re about Totally Destroying Your House). When you’re a parent, you’ll do ANYTHING to get out of the house. ANYTHING to avoid that deadening, crushing feeling of being inside at 2 in the afternoon doing a Zingzillas jigsaw. So don’t expend too much energy on entertaining the kids. Pass the Parcel is genocide with added sellotape, musical statues are boring as fuck (oh, look, Finn moved! Zzzz) and nobody gives a flying one about where the donkey’s tail is. We just want our kids to go and play in another room so we can strap the wine box to our faces like a horse’s nosebag.

2. SAY NO TO SELF CONSCIOUS HOMESPUN BUFFETS

Did you make these biscuits? They’re delicious…where did you get the recipe? Oh, I just found it on the internet. Really? Wow, I just made Nigella’s Scrummy Yumptious Smuggle cake - hope I don’t poison anyone- HAR! Oh, I’m sure it’s wonderful. Everyone’s made such an effort. Have you seen this swan carved out of aspic and these cupcakes decorated with angel spit and this homemade vegan onion bhaji in the shape of the birthday girl’s face?

Remember, party thrower - before you get all red in the face and start ‘making’ the buffet - it’s not 1953 anymore. Nobody has time for this shit. Go to Asda, buy 60 packs of salt and vinegar cartwheels and stick em in a bucket. Job’s a good un.

Invite loads of hot dads and drunken mums with low self esteem, and maybe the guy in the Co-Op, just to mix things up a bit.

3. GET THE GUEST LIST RIGHT

Remember that dreary cow at your NCT class? Don’t invite her. Or anyone who says things like ‘Oh, Mordecai can’t have anything with eggs, chocolate or joy in it.’ Instead, invite loads of hot dads and drunken mums with low self esteem, and maybe the guy in the Co-Op, just to mix things up a bit.

4. DON’T TALK ABOUT PARENTING

Whenever someone starts to say ‘Amelie has been teething’ or ‘We’re having a terrible time with Amstrad - his tantrums are awful’, get an air horn and let it off inches from their face. Then, pass around conversation flash cards with the words ‘Sex’, ‘What I Really Think of The Father Of My Child’ and ‘Weird Perversions’ written on them. Pour vodka shots into their eyes and then watch the fun begin.

5. IT’S CALLED A ‘GOODIE’ BAG FOR A REASON

Goodie bags need to be packed to the gills with a) dangerously bouncy rubber balls b) arse-achingly annoying squeaky things and c) enough sweets to cause diabetes in rats. There also needs to be a warm, squashy shop-bought piece of cake in there, wrapped within an inch of its life in cling film - a piece of dirty, dirty cake you can steal from your child while he/she is getting busy with a packet of Haribo. The goodie bag is no place for rice cakes, Organix snacks, Ella’s smoothies or FRUIT. Put fruit in my (I mean, my son’s) goodie bag and I will punch you in the canteloupe. OK? OK.

 

If you like it, Pass it on

image descriptionCOMMENTS

domestosgoddess 3:52 pm, 17-May-2011

feed the parents. There's never any food for adults at these godforsaken events, and that's why I always end up insulting some hairy moled woman or swopping phone numbers with the teenage son. Sorry, again.

Cantona7 8:42 pm, 25-May-2011

Brings it all back, the true horror of it all. Thankfully our kids have grown out of this kind of s**tfest. Now it's a sleepover with two or three handpicked (by us) friends, Pizza Hut and a trip to the local multiplex. Nice piece though, reminds me why we don't put ourselves through it any more.

Reluctant Mom 5:16 pm, 30-May-2011

This is hysterical - I am busy planning my girls party, and I have just decided to change strategies based on this article! Brilliant. www.relucantmom.wordpress.com

Gemma Stirling 10:22 am, 3-Jun-2011

This really made me a laugh. I'll be planning a party for my three year old in September. I might not invite any kids - is that wrong?

Mommajojo 4:56 pm, 23-Jun-2011

We were separated at birth, but it's the best chortle I've had for ages.I'm so sorry - I uncleverly just rated it one star by mistake but meant to do a 5.

richie rich 2:43 pm, 7-Sep-2011

yer gettin a nana in that there party bag next weekend Lucy

Lucy Sweet 3:18 pm, 7-Sep-2011

NO! Pack it with Asda cartwheels and a friggin big bag of Haribo!

Rachel McGrath 9:17 pm, 5-Jun-2012

Haha! I don't even have kids, but you know im taking notes... Just in case...

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