I Secretly Fancy Bargain Hunt's Catherine Southon

Not a conventional beauty by any stretch but she could hunt for my bargain any day of the week...
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Not a conventional beauty by any stretch but she could hunt for my bargain any day of the week...

#52015391 / gettyimages.com

It's not often that the BBC's Bargain Hunt causes a stir in one's trouser region, but hard is the heart of the man who denies himself the charms of Catherine Southon, Britain's favourite antique-hunting milf. From her pleasingly clipped tones to her slender, feminine figure, Southon stands in stark contrast to the perma-tanned skanks currently infesting the realms of British TV, and is the perfect tonic to a damp car boot sale.

The former head of scientific instruments at Sotheby's trained in maritime art before making the move to daytime TV, where she now regularly graces many of the generic antique shows that the BBC laughingly refers to as "entertainment". Whether it be flogging it, bargain hunting or putting one's money where one's mouth is, the nation's internet masturbators agree that Southon deserves far greater exposure – preferably frame-by-frame, from an indecently low angle.

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On the face of it, Southon seems little more than any other stylish mother-of-two that one might run into whilst perusing the preserves in a branch of Waitrose. But behind the cuteness, giggles and a well-fitting pair of fuck-me boots there is a subtle, yet undeniable possibility that maybe – just maybe – she’s the kind of woman who would let you take some liberties in the cereal aisle. And isn’t that we’re all looking for in the short term, chaps – a bit of filthy mystery?

Let the boys beat-off incessantly over the Lindsay Lohans and the Miley Cyruses of the world; real men like real women. Women who know how to use a garden strimmer; women with a collection of ugly woolly jumpers; women who swallow without expecting a medal. In short, the kind of woman worthy of a pedestal, even if it is just so you can look up her skirt.

Southon and her milf-ish colleagues have done the unthinkable and made daytime TV watchable again. A new generation of hottie is finally taking up the torch, slinkily infiltrating the fields of TV left barren of masturbatory material since Angela Ripon's departure from TV-am in 1983. Carol Kirkwood, Susanna Reid, Fiona Bruce, Kirstie Allsopp – all obtainable women that have been lifted to a higher plain by the power of fame. From this day forth let Catherine Southon be counted as one of the number, a deserving member of the Fwap Pack.