Idleness And Greed: The Biggest Threat To Humankind

I like burgers and pizzas as much as the next bloke, but for God's sake get off your fat arses and eat some vegetables...
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I like burgers and pizzas as much as the next bloke, but for God's sake get off your fat arses and eat some vegetables...


There’s a bloke in my office that is massive. When I say massive I don’t mean a rippling muscle bound hunk, I mean he is a big fat lump. He’s 6 foot tall, the same in width and must weigh no less than 30 stone. His head and neck have combined to form a featureless mass and I could easily slip into one of his trouser legs. For anyone with kids who’ve seen the film Wall-e, he looks like the ship’s captain.

This man has sat opposite me for the last three years and despite swathes of food appearing in the office from the all too often team meetings we have to sit though he never eats a thing. He doesn’t leave the office all day and barely moves from his chair. If he was a slim chap of normal build I would have commented on his lack of appetite but seeing as he’s massive a reluctance to eat seems highly unlikely. When he does occasionally manage to heave himself upright, to drop what I can only imagine to be dinosaur sized turds in the toilet, he huffs and puffs through the office breaking out in a sweat like Saville at a school fair. His chair screams in agony when he eventually falls back into it and he smells rancid. Not a normal unwashed armpit type smell but something different, like a decaying carcass. Maybe his body can’t break down the volume of food he consumes away from work and instead it just rots. It’s mind boggling to me how anyone can let themselves get in such poor condition.

You may have noticed I have a certain dislike to really fat people, not the person themselves; he’s a perfectly nice bloke, but just fatness on the whole. It irritates me. They ooze idleness and greed. Psychologists will argue they might have deep set emotional issues, Doctors might argue its genetic but most likely fatties will say they’ve got a food intolerance. Well bollocks, get off your fat arse, do some exercise, stop eating shit and don’t blame anything else for your size because the only thing you can blame is yourself. Shovelling food in and not moving around enough to burn off the amount you’ve consumed means over time you will get fat. Simple as that. Fair enough if you are in the half a percent of chubbers who do have a medical condition that means you cant control your weight or fair enough if you’re happy being a big fat lump (don’t believe you by the way) but if you’re just a big fat lazy lump moaning about your weight while you pouch another family box of maltesers I have no sympathy.


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According to the latest government statistics 63% of our adult population are now overweight or obese and it’s estimated they cost the NHS an additional £5 billion every year. Every 15 minutes someone in England dies due to obesity related illness which is 4 times morethan for alcohol related deaths. The most alarming statistic though is the 30% of children who are obese. Parents are slowly killing their kids, whether it’s through misguided love, laziness or ignorance I’m not sure, probably a mixture, but either way its child cruelty. I’m no health obsessed freak, I enjoy a takeaway, fry ups and burgers as much as anyone else but I eat it in moderation, do plenty of exercise and balance it out with some fruit and vegetables every day. This means I can enjoy the food I like and not end up a lump. It also means I act as a good role model for my kids; for a very short space of time they’ll look up to me and my wife and the example we set can affect them for better or worse for the rest of their lives as studies from the EarlyBird Diabetes Project at the medical school in Plymouth show. They’ve found that daughters of overweight mothers are 10 times more likely to be obese by the time they reach the age of eight than a daughter born to a slim mother. And sons of obese fathers are six times more likely.

So what can be done to stop it? Do you ban fatty foods? Not likely, too many people rely on these food companies for employment. Do you increase the tax on junk food? Wouldn’t work, you’d just have poorer fat people. Reintroduce rationing? Drastic but not fair on the people who have some self control. The answer has to be education. The government could introduce healthy living into the curriculum, put it hand in hand with physical activity and teach kids the benefits of living a healthy life so they choose that lifestyle themselves. Also parents to be need educating. I’ve seen 2 year olds being fed McDonalds in their push chairs, are these parents educated enough to understand the potential repercussions? Imagine the outcry if it was lager instead of burgers.

So if you’re reading this and you’re a bit of a chunk, get off your over sized arse and start moving, if nothing else it might mean you won’t be embarrassed to eat in front of your colleagues. Either that or you might get a leg over more often…no woman likes a man with a fat arse.