Apparently the world is going to end on December 21st of this year. For many this will come as something of a blow and I admit it is easy to put a negative spin on our impending apocalypse with such downsides as not getting to see kids grow up and missing out on the final two seasons of Mad Men. For others though, Armageddon will be welcomed with open arms. Aside from the endless list of daily irritants we will no longer be forced to endure, doomsday will also provide the opportunity for us to finally do the things we’ve always wanted to do and go out with a bang. We should seize the moment and live the final few days of our lives to the full. With that in mind, I’m planning the following itinerary for my final week on Earth.
Friday, 14th December, 2012: Take up Heroin
Few drugs have ever really captured my imagination with the one major exception of smack. If I’m going to be dead within a week anyway, I may as well take up a drug and the best drug is surely heroin. I arrive at this conclusion because clearly no other drug commands as much commitment from its fans. Ecstasy users are willing to sacrifice their dignity for a few hours at a time as they dance badly, gurning and goggle-eyed, to songs with no words but heroin users sacrifice their dignity - and pretty much everything else - 24/7 so it must be good.
The only thing that ever stopped me from taking up heroin before was a fear that I would end up as a drooling, sniveling mess, trying to flog a pair of recently robbed, mismatched Reeboks down my local as I desperately try to cobble enough coppers together to pay for my next fix. But with only seven days till the end of the world, addiction would barely have enough time to kick in so it would be all highs and no lows. I might not have time to catch the dragon but I’ll give him a damn good chase!
Saturday 15th December: Crash my Car
Call me naïve, but when I hand over my hard-earned I expect to receive something in return. Insurance is the worst exception to this rule. Having never had a claim, I have given insurance companies thousands upon thousands over the years. And for what? Nix, that’s what! Well, no more. With only six days till meltdown, I’ll finally get payback as I carefully stage the writing off of my banger and collect some long overdue readies - which should come in handy for supporting my new smack habit.
Ecstasy users are willing to sacrifice their dignity for a few hours at a time as they dance badly, gurning and goggle-eyed, to songs with no words
Sunday, 16th December: Defame a Celebrity
Yet another upside to doomsday is the chance it affords us to exact revenge on those who have wronged us. Whilst some might go for the simple but effective punching-their-boss, I like to think in more creative ways. To this end, I plan on defaming someone who has annoyed me intensely. The list is massive but after careful consideration I’ve settled on Simon Cowell. I shall go to my local police station and formally lodge a complaint that, at gunpoint, Cowell made me insert several dead gerbils into his back passage whilst he sucked on a crack pipe shaped out of Louis Walsh’s genitalia. Once finished at the Cop Shop, I’ll call every newspaper, radio and TV station to inform them of the charge, safe in the knowledge that we’ll all be long since deceased before Cowell’s army of lawyers have a chance to discredit me, much less have their day in court. This wont make up for his crimes against the eardrums of humanity but the fact that Cowell’s final few days will be spent under a cloud of necro/narco/bestiality suspicion will, at least, provide a small degree of mirth for those of us who believe you should have at least a morsel of musical talent to work in the music industry.
Monday 17th December: Suggest Girlfriend’s sister join us for a Threesome
Ladies, I apologise for the misogynistic nature of this particular item on my to-do list, but I’m just being honest, it’s every bloke’s fantasy. Unfortunately though, like most fantasies, there’s normally little-to-no chance of ever realising it. However, the end of the world might just provide a sliver of hope, for all rational behavior will have gone out the window due to our impending doom so if the threesome is ever going to happen, now’s the time. And, in the event of the suggestion not being received favourably, what’s the worst that can happen? Your final three days on Earth will be spent as a singleton. Not to worry, lovely heroin will ease the pain.
Tuesday 18th December: Shoot a Politician
A degree of nous will be needed here, lest I spend my final 48 hours in clink. For anyone planning on copying my final week’s activities, I suggest a sly, JFK style job rather than a crude, John Lennon number. Exercising even a small degree of cunning should ensure you remain uncaptured for the few remaining days of existence. Your biggest headache should come in the form of choosing which politician to shoot. Unless you’re planning on moving this activity forward, I’d suggest a relative unknown as there are roughly 2,000 citizens for every politician so the competition for a ‘star name’ could be stiff. So, please folks, if you’re going for an A-lister, do remember to get in early.
Wednesday 19th December: Admit I hadn’t a fuckin clue what David Lynch's Mulholland Drive was about.
Your biggest headache should come in the form of choosing which politician to shoot.
Thursday 20th December: Top Myself
The Mayans were pretty adamant about the world ending, but they were decidedly less clear when it came to explaining how, exactly, it will end. With only a matter of hours left till certain death why take the risk of having to endure a slow, torturous check-out. Instead, I plan on taking matters into my own hands and going out in as pleasant a manner as possible. Autoerotic Asphyxiation seems to have a lot of fans, but I reckon I’m going to go for something slightly more dignified. After chaining a boulder to my feet, I shall shoot up one final time and slump into my local indoor, heated pool. This should ensure my final moments are spent in a warm, hallucinogenic fuzz. And, if there happen to be any children there taking swimming lessons at the time, their mental scars will only last a few hours. Everyone’s a winner!
So, rather than fear the end of time, I say ‘embrace it’ and I look forward to a week that will put the antics of even the most notorious of hell-raisers in the shade.
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