How To Impress People In Your Local Pub

No one will care that you carried twenty-seven pints if they're all empty by the time you get back to the table, you charlatan.
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No one will care that you carried twenty-seven pints if they're all empty by the time you get back to the table, you charlatan.

Pubs are a great place to show off some serious moves, as Oliver Strumpfel knows better than most. Who is Oliver Strumpfel, you cry? Well, he’s the Bavarian who just entered the record books after carrying 27 pints a distance of 40 metres! Here’s a picture of him doing it.

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(via)

What a clever boy.

Without wishing to detract from Mr. Strumpfel’s life-long dedication to the sport of carrying things, I have a few issues with this particular title.

Firstly: those glasses have handles. Handled glasses are piss-easy to carry, it’s literally in the design. Secondly: uniform length and width, your classic pint has that little bulge at the top, you sit your hand just underneath it, it’s lovely. Thirdly: that spillage, you wouldn’t accept it would you? Even if he has just bought a 27-pint-round, you’d resent his showiness, you’d demand to give him a hand next time as you swill down your 2/3 of a pint, quietly seething.

If you want to impress people at a pub, how about busting out one of these?

5-pints-in-one

By now, I’ve reached the age where I can take on a 4-pint carry no bother, no bother. Two in each hand, pushed together to create enough tension that they maintain a steady frame, like whacking up a shower pole. 5 is my white whale, that central pint, ‘tis a mighty beast. 5 pints or more, you have my utmost respect.

2 pints of cider – no spill

Deceptively difficult, the lack of a head on cider makes it near impossible to carry without a little spill, unless you have a particularly steady hand. It’s that extra viscosity of the head on a standard fizzy lager, locally-brewed-hipster-short-beard-ale or locally-brewed-CAMRA-long-beard-ale that makes it a much more forgiving pint. It’s cider, guys, do the right thing and just get a bottle.

("extra viscosity of the head" made me do a little gag, btw - ed)

Winning money on the quiz machine

I’d like to see the Eggheads have a go at Deal or No Deal on a 'Spoons quiz machine. Kevin would do his fucking nut. They keep you hanging on just long enough that you think you’re in with a chance of winning that hallowed £3.50, but then throw in a question that you need a phD in abject-cuntery to answer. A staple of my teenage years that I’m glad has fallen by the wayside.

Surprise Crisps

Left this one 'til last as it’s literally the best thing you can do at a pub if you want people to think you’re a stand-up guy.

It’s your round, you know this, and it’s the 3rd pint. You’ve been there maybe an hour if you’re feeling leisurely, maybe 45 minutes if you were trying to make the most of happy hour, and you’ve got a serious buzz on – you’re starting to think up manifestos, you’re wondering more than you should be about the ending to Inception, you’ve just remembered a great blowjob story that’ll really set the night off. You’re at the bar, you get in your round, and then, you get in three packets of Brannigans Ham & Mustard and some Nobby's Fucking Nuts. This guy. This is the guy.

Stick that one up your arse, Strumpfel.