It's A Leap Year So I'm Training My Man To Be A Wife

What better way to celebrate February 29th then train my boyfriend to be my wife. Where's my dinner, bitch?
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What better way to celebrate February 29th then train my boyfriend to be my wife. Where's my dinner, bitch?

404

Remember, no matter how bad things get, there's always someone worse off than yourself - me.

I wasn’t always this way, but growing pressures of life have made me realise what I do and don’t want in a partner. I work all day and when I come home I don’t think it’s too much to ask have a glass of wine waiting and be asked how my day was. It’s not difficult. If I’ve been to the gym after work it’s obvious that I’m going to need to use the washing machine, if it’s not free I’ll go berserk, he knows this so I don’t see why I’m subjected to the ‘startled goat’ face when I raise my voice.

His cooking isn’t great so I’ve ensured his collection of Delia and Nigella have built up over Birthdays and Christmases. I’m not averse to his knock-up ‘Food in 5 minutes’ dishes from time to time when I need something quick. He doesn’t have to cook for me every night, I enjoy spending quality time with other men too. It’s not like I’m fucking them, and if I was, it wouldn’t be done openly. Any partner who has an issue with this needs to seriously rethink. Take away my freedom and I’ll run.

Marriage and children cost. I’m not at the stage where I want to budget for an additional person and I don’t want him having access to my AMEX as my accountants have advised against it. Ultimately, my accountants play a much bigger role in my life than my partner. Without them I’d be imprisoned.

His moods are intolerable. Sulking isn’t going to change the fact that the bathroom and kitchen floors need cleaning. Perhaps on reflection breaking the wooden mop handle over his legs could be deemed as unreasonable behaviour, but if he doesn’t want to do it and I don’t have the time to do it then we’re obviously going to reach melting point.

I frequently enjoy weekends away with my girlfriends. None of us take our partners, this is something they need to accept and move on from. It’s not going to change.

"If I’ve been to the gym after work it’s obvious that I’m going to need to use the washing machine, if it’s not free I’ll go berserk."

Yes, I’m guilty for having punched walls, thrown things across the room and I regret locking him in the bathroom for 6 hours, but when being ranted at with constant nagging about visiting his relatives and going on a package holiday, my blood pressure rises and I’m driven to it. He pushes my buttons.

Most disputes will involve shouting, uncensored language and occasionally shoving my hand into his face, but only because he responds quicker that way. If all else fails I go to the pub for an ice cold lager. My salvation. When I see him cry after being called a ‘fucking moron’, it makes me shudder. If he doesn’t want to be with me, he knows where the door is.

Thankfully, I took up golfing a couple of months ago. I get to catch up with friends in peaceful beautiful surroundings, not to mention enjoying lengthy drinking sessions with my phone switched off. I’ve started going to church on Sunday evenings - for all my faults, lies and affairs, those 2 hours in church surrounded by decent people put things into perspective. I know I’m on the right path and He is looking over me. It’s also been a great place for meeting other guys as going to the pub afterwards is obligatory. It’s the one time staying out late can’t be questioned. There’s also a great strip club nearby, the staff are really friendly. I love going there with guys as it’s harmless fun and an opportunity to let my hair down and be myself.

People sometimes ask why he doesn’t accompany me to social events, but it’s really not worth the hassle. He can’t handle his drink and gets all puffy-eyed, often sulking and disappearing to the toilet for up to an hour. I used to go and comfort him, try and reassure him against whatever he was whimpering about. But I’ve learnt that giving attention seekers attention just feeds them. Now I leave him at home, go out and have a good time. You live once.

I’ve started seeing a counselor as the emotional strain of having someone dependant on me is starting to affect my wellbeing. My counselor suggests that I am with a controlling partner. It’s sad when it takes an outsider to point out abuse. I’m working through it in the weekly sessions and refuse to allow his crying and begging get to me anymore, he’s not going to take away my freedom of expression.

"When I see him cry after being called a ‘fucking moron’, it makes me shudder. If he doesn’t want to be with me, he knows where the door is."

Having a manwife can bring its challenges. Whilst others look to their husbands for stability and financial security, I look to my manwife with pity. Apart from when we occasionally have sex in the dark, I must admit I love not having to pay for it or worrying about condoms, it really does help.

Ultimately, my food is cooked, bedding changed and I’m made a healthy packed lunch Mon – Thursdays and it brings peace of mind knowing there’s someone at home to take the dogs out and keep the garden in a generally fit state. Watching him mow the lawn brings a warm feeling inside, it reminds me of the nice side to being a couple.

I guess I see him as my wife. Some people may not understand this, but when the recession hit and the market changed, I knew I’d have to adjust my outlook and take the necessary steps to keeping the business ticking over. I don’t want to budget for a cook, cleaner, dog-sitter etc, and I simply haven’t got the time or bank balance to wine, dine and fuck strangers.

When I watch him curled up in a ball, wincing as I tell him to put the bins out, I wonder to myself ‘Am I a bad person?’ and so I’ll cuddle him and the make-up sex can be incredible.

Manwives aren’t for everyone, but it suits me at this moment in time, and he and the dogs generally seem happy enough.