When Jennifer Lawrence fell on those stairs on Oscar night, and styled it out like a drunk teenager mercilessly heading to the dancefloor on an 80s night after Livin’ On A Prayer just dropped, the whole world decided that she had come to save Hollywood. Her turn in the startlingly intense Winter’s Bone won her a deserved nomination back 2011, before The Hunger Games made her a household name. In Silver Linings Playbook she delivers on her promise, delivering a performance that is at once brave, frenetic and intense, more than keeping up with her illustrious company.
We’re tired of Anne Hathaway talking about how difficult cutting her hair was and how Hugh Jackman “has magic inside him” (no he doesn’t Anne, think about the words you just said), we’ve been longing for an actress who picks good parts, works the system and, more importantly, is probably a huge laugh.
She’d Get Her Round In
There are few hard-and-fast rules to judge a person’s character by, but one is this: if you don’t get your round in, you’re a twat. Also, if you insist on getting your round first to exploit happy hour, you’re also a twat. ALSO, if on your second round you don’t get yourself a drink, or worse, get yourself a lemonade and say you weren’t up for a big night in the first place, then you are a twat of unquantifiable proportions. Not only would Jennifer Lawrence get her round in, she’d be the first to order shots, and they’d be great shots too – George Clooney’s own-brand tequila most probably.
She’d Dance Like A Maniac
Jennifer Lawrence would be the first one on the floor, no doubt. She’d get low when required to get low, jump about when required to jump about and refuse to do a Harlem Shake because she’s just that awesome. You know she knows ALL the words to a wide selection of power ballads too.
She’d Be An Excellent Wingwoman
Let’s face it, J-Law is a stone cold 10. Jack Nicholson tried to come onto her at the Oscars for fuck sake, with the belting line “You look like an old girlfriend of mine,” to which Lawrence replied “Do I look like a new girlfriend?” So, it’s fair to say, she’s out of the leagues of us mere mortals. HOWEVER, women would flock to her and she would make that shit happen, watching on with pride.
She’d Get A Kebab
No night out is complete without some disgusting, cheap, greasy food bought at 4 in the morning from a dodgy place on the corner of New Cross Road. If anything, it’s the best part of a night, sitting on a kerb, chilli sauce around your face and meat spilling down the drain. Lawrence would go Special Doner, extra chilli, no fucking lettuce, and she’d snag free fries because she’s an absolute babe.
She’d Boss A Hangover
You’d get back by 5am, carry on drinking for a bit before crashing out in a big mess when at sunrise. When you wake up, Lawrence is wandering the kitchen in the same clothes from the night before, the kettle’s on and the sound of fizzing Berocca is audible. She has her laptop open, and is scrolling down Hungry House menus. Next to the computer are Minority Report, Independence Day and Armageddon. She turns to you and says: “Man, last night got out of hand real fast,” and you go “Yes Jennifer Lawrence. Yes it did.” And everything is right with the world.