Jimmy Carr For Prime Minister!

So Jimmy Carr, 10 O'Clock Live's voice of the people, is a tax avoider. But don't be too harsh on him, this is the kind of ingenuity this country needs
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So Jimmy Carr, 10 O'Clock Live's voice of the people, is a tax avoider. But don't be too harsh on him, this is the kind of ingenuity this country needs

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This morning, I was on a bus, on my way to the bank. My mission – to see if I had any money left in my current account (I didn’t). In the past, I’d have gone in the car but it was repossessed when I couldn’t keep up with the HP payments.

As I sat there, a man opposite was reading a copy of The Times, while mumbling something under his breath. I can’t be entirely sure of his exact words as his teeth were gritted, his brow furrowed and his face red and contorted with barely-suppressed rage. But I think he was mumbling something along the lines of, “Fucking shitty, lazy, greedy, 'Star In A Reasonably Priced Car' nu-establishment, Tarby 2012, Clarkson-sucking bunch of arsefucks”.

I wondered what had provoked such fury and looked at the front of his newspaper after he had discarded it before disembarking. Imagine my stunned surprise when I saw the face of jovial pudding-faced mirth-bringer Jimmy Carr staring up at me in that way that he does. What could it have been about Jimmy that had sent my fellow citizen and taxpayer into such foaming apoplexy?

Jimbo gets his kicks from dallying with the interpretation of various rules and laws, with motoring transgressions his speciality.

Tax. That’s what. To be more precise, Carr’s ability to be able to pay a smaller percentage of it than the rest of us, all thanks to some clever offshore schemes. The Times has alleged that Carr has sheltered £3.3m a year through employing skilled accountants instead of doing his self assessment return himself. Wow.

This was a side of Carr that I didn’t know existed. Surely a man who is charged with upholding the sacred rules of 8 Out Of 10 Cats and who savaged Barclays on 10 O’Clock Live because of their own tax avoidance strategy would be cleaner than clean?

I did a little bit of digging and it seems that when he isn’t rendering billions of us as helpless simpletons with his ‘jokes’, Jimbo gets his kicks from dallying with the interpretation of various rules and laws, with motoring transgressions his speciality.

Back in October 2009, Carr was cleared of using a mobile phone while driving when his solicitor argued that rather than making a phone call, his client was using the iPhone’s voice recorder function in order to dictate another one of his hit ‘funnies’ that had just appeared inside his head. Phew – close shave Jimmy!

No wonder Carr had rocketed through the leafy Suffolk village at 50mph – you could hardly blame him! The speed zone hadn’t been registered properly!

It was Carr’s second narrow escape of that year, as back in March 2009, prosecutors dropped a speeding case when the same solicitor pointed out a technicality – namely that the court had acted unlawfully by moving the case to a different date without informing him. Phew – another close shave!

The solicitor in question is obviously a busy man – only a month before the mobile phone case was heard, a DIFFERENT speeding charge against Carr was defended in court. On this occasion, the comedian’s legal eagle argued that the 40mph speeding zone that Carr had OBLITERATED by 25% was wrongly registered, and therefore nonsensical and illegal.

No wonder Carr had rocketed through the leafy Suffolk village at 50mph – you could hardly blame him! The speed zone hadn’t been registered properly! But this time, he wasn’t so lucky and the beak handed down a fine of £300, slapped three points on the gleaming Carr licence and barked out an order that he should have to pay £1,860 prosecution costs.  Luck doesn’t last forever. Tragic.

But who WAS that hotshot solicitor? He’s Nick Freeman, famously known as ‘Mr. Loophole’ following his various successes in gaining acquittals for high profile clients (he’s even trademarked the name). He’s managed to get results for big names such as Caprice, Lee Bowyer, Andrew Flintoff, Steve McFadden, Ronnie O’Sullivan, Wayne Rooney and Sir Alex Ferguson, who Freeman argued had used the hard shoulder because he needed to get to Manchester United’s training ground in a hurry in order to empty his dodgy guts, or words to that effect. Classy stuff.

In fact, as far as I’m concerned, Carr, his accountants and this Mr. Loophole character sound like a right bunch of go-getters and should actually be running the country

It seems that Jimmy Carr is surrounding himself with some of the finest legal and financial experts that money can buy, and the castigation that has been handed out in the press and the idiots’ cyberstadium that is Twitter is completely and utterly without foundation.

In fact, as far as I’m concerned, Carr, his accountants and this Mr. Loophole character sound like a right bunch of go-getters and should actually be running the country. Imagine how well off we’d all be if they were taking the public purse and sheltering it offshore! The nation would be as rich as Saudi Arabia and we’d all live happily and heartily on free nectar and pork chops!

Similarly, those pesky EU laws that have made all our bananas straight and forced us all to attend at least three gay marriage ceremonies every year could be OVERTURNED with the help of Mr. Loophole, his chancing mind and keen eye for small print.

Don’t hate Jimmy Carr because he’s squirreling his dough away in a Jersey-based account – hate him because he refuses to rise to the challenge and get this country back up off its knees!

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